False Promises
My journey started out promising.
It was fun and powerful. I felt free.
Standing in the middle of a “crowded room” with even one man’s attention felt empowering. But as with most things, learning as you go has consequences and no good deed goes unpunished. Being honest is usually the best policy but sometimes being honest can cost you. And sometimes that cost is more than you’re prepared to pay.
I gained a new friend early on. He was a guiding light, leading me through the room explaining things as we explored. He gave me courage to take action and step out of my comfort zone. I guess I thought that his patience and understanding would carry me through. But even patience and understanding have limits, and no amount of understanding and patience can control what we do or don’t feel.
We make promises to ourselves and to others with every intention of following through, but the truth is we can’t always keep the promises we make. Sometimes the promises we make are false even when we don’t want them to be.
They All Fall Down
When one domino falls, they all tend to follow suit. One Master put up a bit of a fight during his exit from my side but his disappearing and reappearing act told me I was just a back up plan and when I wished him all my best with HER, he finally went on his merry way and I’m happy for him. I truly wish that all who are seeking find who they are looking for.
I don’t know when I let go of his hand. I don’t know when I fell into that euphoric place and reached for HIM with everything I had.
I didn’t know I had given so much of myself. I purposely held a few things back so I wouldn’t be lost to HIM. But HE was not what I expected, HE was more and I was completely unprepared for how much HE would affect me and how much I would need HIM. And now it’s too late and I feel like a fool for thinking I had a clue. I don’t know what tomorrow holds. All I know is that right now I stand in that “crowded room” alone, because as life would have it, when one goes, they all fall down.
Hindsight is a Bitch
I should have known better. I should have known that when you lay yourself down before someone, when you kneel at their feet, they have the power to devastate you when they tell you to walk away.
It’s no one’s fault but I blame myself. In the end I asked the question. In the end HE told me what to do and I obeyed. All I want is to Obey & Please HIM. Now I can do neither.
I don’t understand my own feelings and I don’t know if I want to. I think I want to bury them, numb myself to what I feel and wander into a new room to disappear into…
…maybe a dark quiet closet where I can sink to the floor. A place I can pretend to be fine because no one will see me irrationally fall apart.
I’ll just sit there…
Until the crocodile tears stops falling down my hot cheeks.
Until my head doesn’t hurt and my vision isn’t a blur.
Until I can breathe, and then
I can think about standing up again.
Lesson 1 learned. Know the risks,
ALL of them…because…
Sometimes surrendering is sweet.
And sometimes it just fucking hurts.
