What I seek is knowledge, a way to search, cross reference. Always good to start at this spot.
1. Recognize that every relationship has three entities - You, Me, and the Relationship.
Conversely, if there's chronically too much separation and not enough togetherness (which would usually signal a mutual fear of intimacy) then you should put more energy toward growing the connection and putting energy into letting yourselves be truly seen by one another.
2. Whatever you find most difficult to give to your partner, is likely exactly what they most need, and how you most need to grow as a person.
With the caveat of respecting your own boundaries, and being in a relationship with a healthy, generous person...
The thing that your partner most needs from you will often be the thing that is most difficult for you to provide.
Why is this? It's because we all subconsciously attract people with whom we have psychological healing to do.
This is a bit of a heady concept, so here's a quick example of what this would look like in a relationship.
Say there's a couple where person A is generous, loving, super-giving... and person B is great at receiving love, but can be a bit selfish and self-focused.
If person A's growth edge is to learn how to ask for help more and receive love, then it would be beneficial for both person A and person B for person B to progressively learn how to be less self-absorbed and become more thoughtful and loving towards their partner. Make sense?
So take a moment to reflect on what it is that you find most difficult to give to your partner, and see if you can find ways to begin integrating that behaviour, for the growth of you, your partner, and the relationship.
3. Remember that if real love is being offered to you, it will both build you up and make you more, and also prune you and remove what isn't serving you.
Love is a clarifying and alchemizing force. In other words, true love will strip away parts of you that are false.
If you are prone to anxiety or self-doubt or arrogance or procrastination... a loving relationship that is based on love of truth will slowly erode the edges of these things that are actually false cover-up's for aspects of you that you want to hide.
So when love seems like it's trying to rip away one of your ego's familiar defence mechanisms... allow it to do so. You (and your relationship) will be better for it.
4. Honestly check in with yourself, regularly, with the question 'How am I doing as a partner lately?'
Deep, transformative, soul-expanding intimate relationships are about giving.
Have you ever heard the expression 'You make a living by what you get, you make a life by what you give'? Well, the same applies here.
You can have a fairly superficial, mildly fulfilling relationship by always being focused on your needs... or you can have a deep, beautiful, nourishing relationship by focusing on showing up and giving, and being more for your partner.
Pour your love into them and see what kind of a life (and love) that gets you. You might be surprised at what you discover in the process.
5. Commit to being a lifelong learner when it comes to investing in your relationship.
Love is never a one-and-done process.
You can't go on such a perfect date with your partner that you never have to go on dates ever again. Just like you can't write one love-note to end all love-notes and then think you get to never do anything loving or romantic for your partner ever again.
To love someone deeply is to be in a constant state of giving your gifts... opening... trusting... allowing... softening. Over and over again. There is no finish line.
Worship at the alter of your partner. Both because they deserve to be loved fully, and because you deserve to be the calibre of person who is willing and able to love another so fully.
🎀💋🎀
