Mistress Umberlee’s Blog for brats and wayward subs (also umbers music box)

Damnit man- you’re killing me

It feels like rain today. And again, I am going to embrace the rain today with friends.  We will figure it all out.  

The video is dated- and song is a little twangy, but it has memories

Today's song is fairly old (1989) but it fits today's vibe-

I'm no stranger to the rain
I'm a friend of thunder
Friend, is it any wonder lightning strikes me?
I've fought with the devil
Got down on his level
But I never gave in, so he gave up on me
I'm no stranger to the rain
I can spot bad weather
And I'm good at finding shelter in a downpour
I've been sacrificed by brothers
Crucified by lovers
But through it all, I withstood the pain
I'm no stranger to the rain
When I get that foggy feeling
The one I'm feeling now
If I don't keep my head up, I may drown
But it's hard to keep believing
I'll even come out even
While the rain beats a hole in the ground
And tonight, it's really coming down
I'm no stranger to the rain
But there'll always be tomorrow
And I'll beg, steal, or borrow a little sunshine
And I'll put this cloud behind me
That's how the man designed me
To ride the wind and dance in a hurricane
I'm no stranger to the rain
Oh, no, I'm no stranger to the rain
I'm no stranger to the rain
I'm a friend of thunder
Friend, is it any wonder lightning strikes me?
But I'll put this cloud behind me
That's how the man designed me
To ride the wind and dance in a hurricane
I'm no stranger to the rain
Oh, no, I'm no stranger to the rain

Songwriters: Ron Hellard / Sonny Curtis

Today has been one for bad news.  There have been so many endings, and maybe not enough beginnings.  That's life sometimes.  The world is insane and hate filled and we trade punches and don't think about the damage, and lives we destroy.    

Today I am just going to give myself the grace to embrace the sad. I feel this for the world and I feel this deeply and personally today but even the darkness will be overcome by hope.  Because it has to be doesn't it? And someday there will be joy again.

So, I give you Live - Overcome and One Day - Matisyahu

Overcome

Even now the world is bleedin'
But feelin' just fine all numb
In our castle where we're always free
To choose never free enough
To find I wish somethin' would break
Cause we're runnin' out of time
And I am overcome
I am overcome
Holy water in my lungs
I am overcome
These women in the street
Pullin' out their hair
My master's in the yard givin' light
To the unaware this plastic little place
Is just a step amongst the stairs
And I am overcome
I am overcome
Baby holy water in my lungs
I am overcome
So drive me out out to that open field
Turn the ignition off
And spin around
Your help is here but
I'm parked in this open space
Blockin' the gates of love
I am overcome
I am overcome
Holy water in my lungs
I am overcome
Beautiful drowning
This beautiful drowning
This holy water
This holy water is in my lungs

Songwriters: Chad Alan Gracey / Chad David Taylor / Edward Joel Kowalczyk / Patrick Dahlheimer  

And now a little hope:

One Day - Matisyahu

One day, one day, one day
Sometimes I lay under the moon
And thank God I'm breathin'
Then I pray, "Don't take me soon
'Cause I am here for a reason"
Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know someday, it'll all turn around because
All my life, I've been waitin' for
I've been prayin' for, for the people to say
That we don't wanna fight no more
There'll be no more wars, and our children will play
One day (one day), one day (one day)
One day (oh-oh-oh)
One day (one day), one day (one day)
One day (oh-oh-oh)
It's not about win or lose
'Cause we all lose when they feed on the souls of the innocent
Blood-drenched pavement
Keep on movin' though the waters stay ragin'
In this maze, you can lose your way, your way
It might drive you crazy
But don't let it faze you, no way, no way
Sometimes in my tears I drown (I drown)
But I never let it get me down (get me down)
So when negativity surrounds (surrounds)
I know someday, it'll all turn around because
All my life, I've been waitin' for (waitin' for)
I've been prayin' for (prayin' for), for the people to say
That we don't wanna fight no more (fight no more)
There'll be no more wars (no more wars), and our children will play
One day (one day), one day (one day)
One day (oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh, one day)
One day (one day), one day (one day)
One day (oh-oh-oh)
One day, this all will change, treat people the same
Stop with the violence, down with the hate
One day, we'll all be free and proud to be
Under the same sun, singin' songs of freedom like
Wah-yo (one day, one day), wah-yo, oh, oh (oh-oh-oh)
Wah-yo (one day, one day), wah-yo, oh, oh (oh-oh-oh)
All my life, I've been waitin' for
I've been prayin' for, for the people to say
That we don't wanna fight no more
There'll be no more wars, and our children will play
One day (one day), one day (one day)
One day (oh-oh-oh)
One day (one day), one day (one day)
One day (oh-oh-oh)
One day, one day, one day

Songwriters: Bruno Mars / Ari Levine / Matthew Miller / Philip Martin Ii Lawrence

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them...

I have to find the right colour skin markers for the logo but that comes next

Seriously, the Red Wings let me down- it is painful, but maybe double or nothing on the next game. J/K

We had some snow today- There errands today, a trip to the office and getting a chapter to editors.  Then (shock) more writing.  But I woke up with a song in my head, might try to see if I can work it into some character development.  Don't know yet.  Unlike most projects this one isn't smut- I know that is a terrible word for erotic stories, but it makes me laugh.  So, without further ado todays song:

Afterglow - Ed Sheeran

Stop the clocks, it’s amazing
You should see the way the light dances off your head
A million colours of hazel, golden and red
Saturday morning is fading
The sun’s reflected by the coffee in your hand
My eyes are caught in your gaze all over again

We were love drunk, waiting on a miracle
Tryna find ourselves in the winter snow
So alone in love like the world had disappeared
Oh, I won’t be silent and I won’t let go
I will hold on tighter ’til the afterglow
And we’ll burn so bright ’til the darkness softly clears

Oh, I will hold on to the afterglow
Oh, I will hold on to the afterglow

The weather outside’s changing
The leaves are buried under six inches of white
The radio is playing, Iron & Wine
This is a new dimension
This is a level where we’re losing track of time
I’m holding nothing against it, except you and I

We were love drunk, waiting on a miracle
Tryna find ourselves in the winter snow
So alone in love like the world had disappeared
Oh, I won’t be silent and I won’t let go
I will hold on tighter ’til the afterglow
And we’ll burn so bright ’til the darkness softly clears

Oh, I will hold on to the afterglow
Oh, I will hold on to the afterglow
Oh, I will hold on to the afterglow

Written by: Edward Sheeran, Fred Gibson, David Hodges

Today was a writing day for the most part.  This morning, I was working on a chapter that begins with a main character's death. Often I find music can help me find my way back to a character and scene.  So this morning the song Eyes Closed was on repeat. I could very much identify with the whole idea seeing someone in everything.  The chapter is therapy, the book is too.  There is a disbelief that comes with loss.  Accepting the finality of loss.. And well killing one of the main characters was therapy in itself. (evil laughter)

So song:

Eyes Closed

I know it's a bad idea
But how can I help myself?
Been inside for most this year
And I thought a few drinks, they might help
It's been a while, my dear
Dealin' with the cards life dealt
I'm still holdin' back these tears
While my friends are somewhere else
I pictured this year a little bit different when it hit February
I step in the bar, it hit me so hard, oh, how can it be this heavy?
Every song reminds me you're gone, and I feel the lump form in my throat
'Cause I'm here alone
Just dancin' with my eyes closed
'Cause everywhere I look, I still see you
And time is movin' so slow
And I don't know what else that I can do
So I'll keep dancin' with my
Eye-eye-eye-eyes
Eye-eye-eye-eyes closed
Eye-eye-eye-eyes
So I'll keep dancin' with my-
Delusion is here again
And I think you'll come home soon
A word brings me right back in
Then it's only me that's in this room
I guess I could just pretend
The colours are more than blue
But I lost more than my friend
I can't help but missin' you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I pictured this month a little bit different, no one is ever ready
And when it unfolds, you get in a hole, oh, how can it be this heavy?
Everything changes, nothing's the same, except the truth is now you're gone
And life just goes on
So I'm dancin' with my eyes closed
'Cause everywhere I look, I still see you
And time is movin' so slow
And I don't know what else that I can do
So I'll keep dancin' with my
Eye-eye-eye-eyes
Eye-eye-eye-eyes closed
Eye-eye-eye-eyes
So I'll keep dancin' with my
Eye-eye-eye-eyes
Eye-eye-eye-eyes closed
Eye-eye-eye-eyes
Oh, I keep dancin' with my-
They're shutting the bar, they're cleanin' the floor, and everyone is already home
But I'm on my own
Still dancin' with my eyes closed
'Cause everywhere I look, I still see you
Time is movin' so slow
And I don't know what else that I can do
So I'll keep dancin' with my
Eye-eye-eye-eyes
Eye-eye-eye-eyes closed
Eye-eye-eye-eyes
Oh, I keep dancin' with my
Eye-eye-eye-eyes
Eye-eye-eye-eyes closed
Eye-eye-eye-eyes
Oh, I keep dancin' with my-

Songwriters: Max Martin / Ed Sheeran / Shellback / Fred Gibson

I tried really hard to find a Halloween song that was NOT overdone.

Then again, that would not have been the song I was listening to... so today I throw back to a song that has followed me through some more difficult times.  I have been the speaker in this song, and I have been the subject.  Most recently, I bought a compass that I had engraved, "Would north be true?" It sits in my desk drawer now.  The recipient would never have gotten the reference and to be honest, I am all focused on tomorrow and the results. Plus exile doesn't work if you reach, and I think now that would be reaching.  Enough babble here are your lyrics and the video.

Why Should I Cry for You

Under the dog star sail
Over the reefs of moonshine
Under the skies of fall
North, northwest, the stones of faroe

Under the artic fire
Over the seas of silence
Hauling on frozen ropes
For all my days remaining

Would north be true?
All colours bleed to red
Asleep on the ocean's bed
Drifting in empty seas
For all my days remaining
Would north be true?

Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?

Dark angels follow me
Over the godless sea
Mountains of endless falling
For all my days remaining
What would be true?

Sometimes I see your face
The stars seem to lose their place
Why must I think of you?
Why must I?

Why should I?
Why should I cry for you?
Why would you want me to?
And what would it mean to say
I loved you in my fashion?
What would be true?
Why should I?
Why should I cry?
Why should I cry?

Songwriters: Gordon Matthew Sumner.

Today it isn't a single song- it has been two songs vying for my attention.

Dan Smith stay out of my journals! (Joking of course). Today, I give you the lyrics from two Bastille songs.

This morning because I was trying to focus on anything, but my current issues kept pulling.  I wasn't doing the 'treading trodden trails' thing as a friend reminds me to never do.  But I wanted to say something.  I didn't!  So, I get a cookie.

The Draw

In my left hand there is the familiar
In my right hand there's the great unknown
I can see the madly different grass there
But I'm drawn to wilder nights at home

Don't listen to your friends
See the despair behind their eyes
Don't listen to your friends
They only care and want to know why

I can feel the draw
I can feel it pulling me back
It's pulling me back, it's pulling me
I can feel the draw
I can feel it pulling me back
It's pulling me back, it's pulling me

Are you drifting way beyond what's normal?
Cause round your mind rings the words that they would say
When you go home everything looks different
And you're scared of being left behind

Just listen to your friends
Trust that they're fair, look in their eyes
Just listen to your friends
They only care and hope you're alright

I can feel the draw
I can feel it pulling me back
It's pulling me back, it's pulling me
I can feel the draw
I can feel it pulling me back
It's pulling me back, it's pulling me

I can feel the draw
I can feel it pulling me back
It's pulling me back, it's pulling me
I can feel the draw
I can feel it pulling me back
It's pulling me back, it's pulling me

I can feel the draw
I can feel it pulling me back
It's pulling me back, it's pulling me
I can feel the draw
I can feel it pulling me back
It's pulling me back, it's pulling me

I can feel the draw
I can feel it pulling me back
It's pulling me back, it's pulling me
I can feel the draw
The draw
The draw
The draw

Songwriters: Dan Smith, Mark Crew. 

And when things started to turn around, I was reminded of a song that followed me in August of 2022.  I words I wanted to say and didn't because..well it was different then.  Bestie, I should have listened.  But then.. opportunity lost.  But it stayed in the back of my head.. then today, well today.

Admit Defeat

I know it's been a week, I know it's not been long
But I'm already past the point of no return
I've got you on a loop, I've got you in my head
A chemical reaction, a flashback to your bed

Waiting for your call
I can feel my body shaking
Calm before the storm
Let it take me, I embrace it

You stirred somethin' in me
I admit defeat
Won't be thinking 'bout anything at all tonight, but

You, oh, oh
Anything at all, but
You, oh, oh
Anything at all, but you

So tell me when you're out
And tell me where to go
Of course, you have my body
But now you've got my soul
You drive me to distraction, run me off the road
You crash into my mind, I'm ready to explode

Waiting for your call
I can feel my body shaking
Calm before the storm
Let it take me, I embrace it

You stirred somethin' in me
I admit defeat
Won't be thinking 'bout anything at all tonight, so
Wrap yourself 'round me
I admit defeat
Won't be thinking 'bout anything at all tonight but

You, oh, oh
Anything at all, but
You, oh, oh
Anything at all 'cause

You're the only voice in my head
I can hear you speaking, louder than I'm thinking
Hang on every word that you said
Drive me to distraction, drive me to distraction

You're the only voice in my head
I can hear you speaking, louder than I'm thinking
Hang on every word that you said
Drive me to distraction, drive me to distraction

You stirred somethin' in me
I admit defeat
Won't be thinking 'bout anything at all tonight, so
Wrap yourself 'round me
I admit defeat
Won't be thinking 'bout anything at all tonight but

You, oh, oh
Anything at all, but
You, oh, oh
Anything at all, but you
Anything at all, but you
Anything at all, but you

Songwriters: Daniel Smith, Mark Crew. 

after one too many lies, one too many times of feeling ignored one too many- oh you get the point.  It is my tendency to exile someone.

Even if they end the relationship.  I consider it a cooling of period. I mean I reign in on my emotions and don't do stupid stuff.

Exile means at least 90 days absolutely no contact. Its hard for me, because if I love someone, cleaving them out of my being well it sucks.

The longer they were a part of your life and the deeper the betrayal, the more you feel hurt.  Submission can be like that, you get involved, you serve, you are invested.  And when you find out all the stuff, all the stuff, well I think its hard.  Subs give so much of themselves. And you give so much the first thought is to lash out.  And this might feel good in the moment, I think most of us would say, it isn't healthy.  You are going to need time to cool off.

But that cooling period means, you get a grip, You don't involve other people in the drama.  No you don't get to involve someone's wife or husband. You don't out people.  You just put them in a box in a closet and forget about them.  (not literally people-its a metaphor)

It might seem cruel to some people, but it gives me the grace to not drag things on and on.  The safety to feel what I am feeling without becoming the person who begs and pleads for someone to understand, to care- pick whatever thing you want to that one might do to prevent someone from walking away.  I have a horrible fear of being abandoned... and I find for me anyway, the worse my situation, the more likely it happens.  I believe I have a part to play in that and when a strong woman breaks... it takes a pretty strong man to weather.  That fear can lead you to making really bad decisions. Including holding on the things that hurt you. Exile removes my ability to cling, to kneel for someone just cause it feel familiar and safe.  I need that time.  

The big thing to remember, is that some of the people you exile won't care and that is ok.  This isn't about them.  It is about you.  When you want to reach, you can't- its a hard lesson to learn.  In a D/s relationship for a sub it is horrific to think that a person you have poured into can just again, abandon you, but it happens. This isn't about them or anything done on either side of the dynamic.  It is about you processing everything without people in your ears and filling you with things they think are helpful.  My friends often get involved in my issues, and it is always a disaster. For most people your friends, though they are well meaning and trying to protect you, want to say horrible things.  It can prolong the pain by constantly bringing up the person..  Let friends know you are going no contact and that includes discussions about that person.  Most of the time they will be ok with this.  Talk about how you are feeling, talk about a sense of betrayal what ever but you never have to bring up a name.  In fact, I like to refer to them as "the person that shall not be named".  It might seem silly but even removing their name can help. Distance- emotional and/or physical is your friend right now.  Shut down your social media if you have to.  Explain to your friends that this person cannot even have information about you for those 90 days.  Right now, for me that's a hard one.  There's a lot going on in the next 20-30 days.  It is going to be hard not to reach for some people.  Still the die is cast and it is important, that this is maintained.

I mentioned 90 days.  I would love to say that is always enough time.  Sometimes it is.  Sometimes it is not.  I have people exiled even now for years and years.  I think my limit was 30 years and then I let them talk to me.  It was still a disaster.  They have retuned to exile. Truly, I am ok with that, maybe in 40 years it will be time to try again..  Some people can process a lot in just 90 days.  Some people need a little time.  Take what you need.  Sometimes, you can't every go back.  Be honest with yourself.  

Write scathing letters that you don't send. Go to a rage room.  I have put a picture in my boxing gloves so my wraps keep it in place.  Its for me, no one else.  I have done other silly but symbolic things- some of them are fun to talk about, but not here.  Do these things in the time they are in exile.  Do these things for you, processing you.  You may not be able to change things.. and people don't often change for others.  You have to be ok with the knowledge that just because you weren't enough for them, you can be enough for you.  Because you weren't their cup of tea, maybe they wanted coffee... or monster or apple juice.  Point is, 90 days JUST about You.

Besides calling it exile is just fun... reminds you that you are the king or queen of your story and it is your story.  Put on that crown and send them to the an oubliette in your mind.  Spiders and slimy things optional.

Good luck on your journey

Umberlee

Hook by Blues Traveller

It doesn't matter what I say
So long as I sing with inflection
That makes you feel I'll convey
Some inner truth or vast reflection
But I've said nothing so far
And I can keep it up for as long as it takes
And it don't matter who you are
If I'm doing my job, it's your resolve that breaks
Because the hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely
There is something amiss
I am being insincere
In fact I don't mean any of this
Still my confession draws you near
To confuse the issue I refer
To familiar heroes from long ago
No matter how much Peter loved her
What made the Pan refuse to grow
Was that hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The hook brings you back
On that you can rely
Suck it in, suck it in, suck it in, if you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn
Make a desperate move or else you'll win and then begin to see
What you're doing to me, this MTV is not for free
It's so PC it's killing me, so desperately I sing to thee of love
Sure, but also of rage and hate and pain and fear of self
And I can't keep these feelings on the shelf
I've tried, well, no, in fact I lied
Could be financial suicide, but I've got too much pride inside
To hide or slide, I'll do as I'll decide and let it ride until I've died
And only then shall I abide this tide
Of catchy little tunes of hip three minute diddys
I wanna bust all your balloons
I wanna burn all your cities to the ground
I've found I will not mess around unless I play then hey
I will go on all day, hear what I say
I have a prayer to pray that's really all this was
And when I'm feeling stuck and need a buck
I don't rely on luck because
The hook brings you back
I ain't tellin' you no lie
The hook
On that you can rely

Songwriters: John C Popper