Finding Me

I often write in poetry because it suits my aesthetic and my needs. But writing in general is cathartic. When the pain or emotions are so deep I can't get it out any other way - I write. My writing isn't for anyone else but me. This is especially true of my poetry, which tends to be pretty raw emotion and stays mainly untouched.

I hope by posting it here that it might touch someone else, speak to their needs, desires, emotions or fears. Help them on their journey. That would be amazing as well. 

Tiny cracks begin

Webs of pain

Cross my mind

Obscuring my view

Casting reflections 

Hard to think

Impossible to be Me

Recently healed

Imperfectly repaired

Delicate Crystal

That is Me

My mind fracturing

Shatter into 

Many pieces

How many Me?

So again we 

Gather each piece

Protect each One

From the pain

Fit each piece

Careful repair 

Glue and mold

Delicate crystal Me

One kiss and my heart beats out of my chest.

A gentle caress as you look deeply into my eyes.

You pull me close and I begin to burn.

I want so much more, but I just hold on.

We talk and we touch, and I dare to hope.

One day at a time, but the flame still burns

I want to make sure I haven't given the wrong impression about my former Master. Our D/s relationship is over. But he didn't hurt or abuse me in any way. He is a beautiful, wonderful man. He treasured me and helped me to grow in innumerable ways.

Our relationship is the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't regret anything about who we were. I regret letting him down, hurting him, pushing him away. I wish I had been stronger or more knowledgeable. I wish I had understood myself better, understood my own needs better. I wish I had known before that I couldn't breathe without him. That he was my world. I should have known but I was scared and I pushed him away. 

I came back, but it was too late. The trust, the bond, the love had been closed off. All that is left is an offer of friendship and a possibility for the future. I still don't know if we can find our way back.

So yes, I am in pain. But it is my fault. I caused the divide. My Master is blameless. He just doesn't want me back- and I cant really blame him for that. So I will learn about myself and get stronger. Get friendships to become a more well-rounded person. I will regain my balance. I will be ok. 

Am I a Wolf or a Puppy? Do I lead the pack or follow? Maybe I am neither but probably I am both. 

I love the feel of ropes tying me down. Being unable to do anything except submit. Pain from the flogger and clamps, stretching, pushing limits, following every command. Submitting gave me such joy.

And yet sometimes I want the control. To tie you to the chair, and tease and control. Ice, feathers, nails, teeth - mixing pain with pleasure. I want to give as much as I have been given. I want to please and tease and torture. 

I don't know what that makes me in BDSM terminology. All I know is tonight, I want to let the wolf out and howl!

I want to be mad.

I want to cry and scream and rage.

I want to take that trip to Hatersville

And stop and see the show...

But I can't somehow.

I'm just empty.

Like everything that makes me Vic

Has been taken out and numbed

Maybe tomorrow I can cry

A lot has changed since my last posting. I was off the site for several months. I came back because my relationship is over, and I needed something - help, advice, a virtual hug from people who would understand.

I became a submissive for one man. I began exploring BDSM for one man. He was the only person who knows me and knows I am into BDSM.  And he is gone and I am alone. And now who am I? I guess I need to figure that out, because I don't know right now. But I'm here so I guess that's a start.

So I will begin to share here. I will keep walking each day until I can breathe again, until I no longer feel like I am drowning. Maybe I will make some friends. Hopefully, I will smile and regain my laugh. 

He was my everything but he is gone now. So now I rebuild. Day by day, piece by piece. First, I tell him goodbye. He wants to be my friend, but it isn't the time now. Now is the time to rebuild me - because trying to be his friend is killing me. Maybe in the future. But for now, I learn and grow and heal. I can do this.

On the outside, I sit with a smile as I follow the routine: watching TV with the family; homework; and tucking the youngest into bed. Nothing crosses my face as I continue the ruse. I have had years to perfect my mask - the illusion of content, of happiness, of control.

On the inside, I fall slowly apart: tears flow freely; pain rips at my heart; and voices of condemnation overwhelm me. The pain I have caused and my guilt consume me. My carefully constructed control held together by no more than a string. One word, one more problem, one more pain, and I plunge into the abyss.

You ask for more but I am empty

I've given everything

My body pulled, stretched, hit

Taken to the Limit 

Then pushed Beyond for You

You ask for more but I have nothing 

I've laid myself at your feet

My heart, my mind, my body, 

Lying broken on the floor

Waiting only for your touch

You ask for more but I am nothing

I've surrendered all I am to you

My hopes, my dreams, my self

All belong to You

Nothing is mine since I put on the Collar

You ask for more and I have everything

I found peace when I surrendered 

My joy, my love, my pleasure

Found kneeling at your feet

Freedom found in bondage to you

Before I met Master, I knew very little about BDSM. I knew nothing about Dominants and submissives. If you asked about my personality, I am Type A. I like to lead. Most of my life has been about maintaining Control. 

And then I met Master, who is charming, self-assured, sexy, flirtatious, kind and supportive. I fell in love. Master was completely willing to have a vanilla relationship, or just incorporate some BDSM play into our sex. But that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted the lifestyle. He was a Dom and wanted me to be his sub. 

Master's original request did not go well. He gave me a broad list of general rules as an example. I saw them and my stubbornness and pride kicked in. I did not like the idea of giving up power in a relationship. I read the list and then said a flat out "No!" This was followed by a faily long diatribe on all the things I thought were wrong with the rules and Master for even asking. His response was just to hold me and say ok, and we went back to our previous relationship. We continued to get closer, falling more in love.

We were very happy. I am the one that brought up the D/s relationship again. I knew that Master wanted to live the lifestyle, that it would make him happy. And the more I loved him, the more I wanted to make him happy and fulfill all of His desires and fantasies. So we talked and negotiated. I finally understood that He wanted to protect me and cherish me - not boss me around. The only rules we have are those that we both wanted. Fifteen rules, but our relationship is based on trust and respect. I am free and encouraged to talk to Him about anything and everything.

So I became Master's submissive, not because I am a natural submissive. But because I love him completely and totally. There is not another man that I would ever bend a knee for, but He owns me completely. I discovered true joy on the day I let my Control go. I love you Master.