The Eroticist

As many of these things do, this began by being asked how things should begin.  (For some reason, I am having strong remembrances of 1950's fairy tale movies.)  A gentleman wished to talk about being a Daddy Dom, and what was needed.  Many things came to mind, but this was my answer...and so it begins.

It is terribly difficult to start a process such as this. Far easier to respond to questions or situations. Primarily because the path each person takes is so completely personal and unique to them. Let me emphasize that the relationship is unique to the PEOPLE within it. What your Daddy/lg relationship dynamics ARE (and let me say that a Daddy does not REQUIRE a "little" girl. While my partner have been considerably younger than I, many do not really identify as a "little" in any way), what these dynamics settle down to being are determined by your partner just as much as yourself.

But let me throw some things your way to chew on. These may be settled in your mind to a great extent, but I would suggest that they are a process, a living flux, so change is inevitable.

The hardest thing for me in my growth as a Daddy/Dom was/is to resolve the constant conflicts between what I see around me as to the scene, the books and lectures I have attended, the society in which I have grown, the mentors I have had and the way I have been raised as a child, perhaps my life environment, and compare that with what it is I actually want or what pleases me.

There is so much around each of us telling us what it is we should want. We may have beliefs firmly established within us as to what is "right" or "appropriate" to want because we are "Male", "American", "Dominant", "white" or any kind of identity label you can think of. But those labels are NOT who you are. They are labels which we conveniently use to communicate a small part of ourselves to others. Those labels can mean something entirely different to others because of their societal upbringing. It gets transmitted as a package that is defined by the person receiving it. So they treat you in a way that is appropriate to that package. Haven't you felt, at times, that because someone sees you as a Dominant or a Daddy, that they suddenly treat you in a way defined by them rather than as who you actually are?  Ask anyone where ONE label is immediately transmitted through their skin color.

The importance of this lifestyle, at least to me, is that it allows you the freedom to examine what it is that you want out of your life and your relationships rather than what you have been and are being told every second of every day.  Freedom.

Sigh, but freedom comes with proportionate responsibility. A large subject there. To my mind the first expression of that responsibility comes in the form of communication. If and when you are comfortable with what you are, what you want, and what you need, you have to communicate it. But communication does not just mean that you are confident in what you have said, it means you are confident in what the listener has heard.

Let me repeat that.  You must be confident in your self understanding in order to express it to your partner, AND you must be confident in your observations of your partner in order to know that they HEARD you well.  So in order to communicate to your partner, the best quality you can develop is how to listen.

So here is my major tip. The most valuable thing to hear from your partner or partners is, "What do you mean by that?" You want to hear that a lot. We use a lot of words in the scene. Dominance, service, submission, responsibility. Well, just like the labels I mentioned before, these are packages that are defined by the listener and what is humiliation to you may not be humiliating to them. So make sure they understand you.

Whew, that is a lot and a good beginning point. It just pored.  I hope you understood.  If not, ask me what I meant.

The Eroticist

With every fiber of my being, I wanted to be normal.  I wanted to be accepted.  I wanted to be OK.  I wanted people to look at me and know me and smile and wave and think, there goes a good guy.  I wanted to live a life that is acceptable by the general society.  I had these thoughts and things I wanted.  But it wasn't normal, and I knew what normal was, it was what I was told how everyone else lived.  It was what I saw on TV.  It was what I was taught about at school, so for forty years, well over half my life, all those thoughts were put away.  No one else had them.  Only me, and I had to hide that.

I did, very well.

Until I got tired of it and I began to accept who I was.  But I am also tired of being thought a creepy old man because I talk about sex.  I am tired of feeling that I am broken, or sick because of the thoughts in my head that never leave.  I hate it when my family wants me to "Just not talk about those things" or might be embarrassed if their friends found out.  I am hurt when I loose friends when I talk about what is really important to me, and I am saddened beyond expression when I hear the whispers behind my back that I should be avoided.  All the people who keep saying "No", "Don't", "Shhhh", "No one wants to hear that" are supported by everyone it seems.  It must be true.  I want to be Normal.

But it is not me that I want to change.

I am free to speak on unacceptable subjects to people who who are interested in what I have to say.  I enjoy teaching to people who want to learn what I know.  I am willing to accept people who have different interests as long as they accept me and mine.  I do not engage in activities with people who do not actively tell me they desire and enjoy those activities.  Why am I not Normal?  Why is this not Normal?  Why is sex, any kind of sex, abnormal in this society, something to be hidden, of which to be ashamed, not for "polite" people?

This is an important

The Eroticist

I hope that what I am about to say here is totally unnecessary.  I want to be clear here. I am not saying that there are not great personal rewards in knowing you have deeply pleased your partner. That, in itself can be a profound reward. But I also believe that HOW you please him is intimately involved in who you are. Are you someone who truly wants to suffer at his violent or manipulative hand (emotional masochism, being brought to tears, etc.) Are you someone who, like that beautiful monologue in Gosford Park by Hellen Mirren, a perfect servant? "What gift do you think a good servant has that separates them from the others? Its the gift of anticipation. And I'm a good servant; I'm better than good, I'm the best; I'm the perfect servant. I know when they'll be hungry, and the food is ready. I know when they'll be tired, and the bed is turned down. I know it before they know it themselves."  Are you incredibly sexual, limber, and anxious to train your body to do anything necessary to physically please your partner? Are you rewarded by being thought inferior, less than, wanting to be verbally abused or caged by your Master? Would you make the most excellent Executive Assistant? Do you find yourself obsessed with the dirtiest most disgusting forms of excrement?

I believe that whatever the joys and perversions of your prospective partner, you will NOT be able to be a pleasing partner in a long term deeply bonded relationship unless his joys intimately fit within yours. NOR SHOULD YOU BE. We are talking about a relationship where the the experiences and pleasures within should be MUTUAL joys.  I have often talked to those on the right side who feel they should be all that their Master desires, and nothing more.  Well, a fine wish, but regrettably not possible.

I know I have spoken on this before, but it bares repeating.  I am a Sadist.  A relatively strong Sadist.  But I am not here to make anyone SUFFER.  That is for other Sadists.  What I want is to apply multiple forms of pain and know that it is exciting my partner.  That gives me overwhelming joy.  But to think that a woman who gets no joy or sexual excitement from pain can be a perfect slave for me, can take all the sadistic ministrations I can dish out and give me the pleasure I desire in her suffering is just NOT a truth.

For many years I had a partner who greatly enjoyed giving me service.  She often looked around my house and decided exactly what she should do.  She enjoyed sex with me, but primarily in the forms that she wanted.  Many times I might ask her to do something and she might find it degrading, or humiliating, or beneath her, perhaps just in the way I might have asked, when to me it was just asking her to do something that pleased me.  Though I had GREAT affection for her, she was not a good partner.

My point is in most cases you cannot make yourself into what someone else wants.  What you really have to do is find someone who can see and want what YOU ARE.  And THAT is made a lot easier when you know what that is, yourself.

“What is it? Why am I so dissatisfied?  My life is pretty good by what everyone tells me, so why am I so unhappy?”

Does this sound familiar?  I am making a huge leap here, but that certainly is where I came from. Well, folks, I am here to tell you that inside, whether or not we acknowledge them, there are flitting little thoughts about things we want to experience that drive us hard, no matter how hidden we may think they are.

The problem is that in MOST cases, the people who are telling you your life is good are ALSO commenting on those flitting little thoughts, those images that we have privately when we think of physical pleasure (even though many of them came to visit us FAR before we began to touch ourselves), The comments come rushing.  “Hey, THAT f***ing S**t is WRONG.” “It is against God’s Law.” “What would your parents think?” “If you love her, why do you want to hurt her?” “Even if they say they want it, it hurts your loved one.”

We look at ourselves from the outside in the position of some societal parent in the courtroom of an angry god.  The prosecutor comes at us, the accused, in front of a jury made up of our parents, Sunday school teachers and maiden aunts, all looking at us over their glasses with scorn and contempt.  “If THIS is what you LIKE, if THIS becomes acceptable then…”  Oh I don’t know, society in general will fall into the abyss of war and damnation and no one will ever eat ice cream again.

Well, grow up, kids. If those little flitting thoughts (images of Tinkerbell float by) are STILL THERE, then it is time that you acknowledge that they are part of you, part of what makes you who you are, and absolutely time that you come to terms with it and begin to LIKE who you are.

Now before you go jumping off the cliff into personal anarchy and uncaring concentration on narcissistic pleasure, what you want is going to be far more pleasurable if your partner wants it too. If that is not a care of yours, I advise you strongly to seek therapy.

It is time, I think, to explore ourselves. To look honestly at who we are and accept what we want.  We should enter onto the path to get those things that we have consistently thought about.  (Oooo, Tinkerbell is suddenly showing teeth and some cleavage.)  We are NOT going to get it if we cannot be ok with it.  Guilt is a killer, guys.  Think of it, there have been moments, hopefully in each of our lives when someone said, “OH, yea, me TOO!”  What a release.  Well, say it to yourselves.  Be OK with who you are.  Ask for what you want.  No other way to get it.  Wake up and smell the pixie dust.

I think it is important to emphasize that this is particularly important for submissives. While many of the "voices" I spoke of were directed at sadistic old me, the ability of a masochistic submissive to clearly communicate HER (or HIS) Sexual, Physical, Behavioral and Emotional desires is of paramount importance. How else can negotiation go on. You may wish eventually to do nothing but satisfy your Master's desires, but until that negotiation is completed, you must clearly communicate YOUR position.

The Eroticist

I was in a dialog with a gentleman who mentioned some issues beginning with a quoted statement on how a slave “will always act and respond in such a way as to make the Master’s orders look ‘right.’”

That brought up conflicting views in my mind.  I will start with an example.

As I enjoy using a single tail, I often attend single tail demos.  At one convention demo I was quite impressed with the lecturer until he told me that a Master should never admit to a mistake.  This was very conflicting for me and he lost my respect.

In my opinion/view/experience humans tend to like to be right, but often aren't.  So, do we admit to the mistake, learn, improve and show respect to those who showed us a differing way, or do we refuse to admit the mistake, work to convince ourselves of the rightness of our actions, or gaslight the other into thinking it was their understanding that was incorrect?  I think if you observe the people of authority around us, both religious, legal and political, you will quickly come to the conclusion that the latter is the more common.  But I do not feel it is the more advantageous for either the observed or the observer.

Now, I will be the first to admit that the example I gave does not exactly match the question asked.  But it applies.  Do I want a close and valued partner to encourage a possibly human tendency to feel I am right no matter what, or would I wish them to respectfully express a contrary viewpoint.  What I would wish is that they respectfully ask if this moment would be the appropriate moment to ask a question and if it was, to be sure they were clear in understanding the answer I express, and then, and only then, to express their viewpoint as to a possibly better way to accomplish that goal.

Obviously, all of this is context sensitive.  If necessary, I would rather they fuck all of that BS and pull me out of the way of the damn bus.

Please understand, I make mistakes.  I believe being a MASTER means I know who and what I am, and know my limitations.  I cannot tell you the number of fuck ups I have accomplished by being RIGHT.  I would rather be better.

I believe firmly that I gain more respect and admiration by working to be better and  respecting the viewpoint of my partner than I would by continuing the sham of playing "right" no matter what.

As for being right in my communication, I continually encourage the most outstanding question, "My Master, what did you mean by that?"

The gentleman with whom I was conversing replied at length and then said, “I am focusing on situations where she is needlessly snide, sarcastic and caustic.”  This was important to me and I wrote back.

I asked him to keep in mind that I did not know the particulars of their relationship, neither the constructed protocols they both had created together nor the more "humanesque" immediate responses he had experienced.  (Though I did say that what he described seemed to fall more into the latter.)  But all I could speak on were my own particularly heart felt desires.

"Respect is to be greatly valued.  I try to continually express my respect of my partner by valuing her opinion and seeking her views on all subjects.  As I repeatedly tell her, I want her opinion on all things so I can make the most informed choice.  But the choice is mine.  She is the supporter, I am the leader.

But in her expression, I remind her that respect is due from her as well....Does she want to be in a relationship with someone she admires and respects?  Then treat me that way.  If she feels I am acting disrespectfully, then respectfully express that opinion.  Returning disrespect only creates a disrespectful relationship.  She absolutely has the right to call me out when I treat her disrespectfully. (Unless it is in a negotiated aspect of our relationship or scene, but that's a whole different kettle.)"

I am reminded of a lecture from Master Obsidian and Namaste.  They describe a serf approaching Royalty and saying, "Hey, you really messed up here."  To which the appropriate response is that of the Queen of Hearts.  However, if the serf has a legitimate complaint, and informs their Master with increased respect and deference, they are, in fact, reminding their Master of his responsibility for the maintenance and well being of the relationship.  A point I have remembered for many years.

"Another thing I mention to her is Mindfullness.  That is a common term in Buddhist practice and other forms involving meditation.  It speaks to how immediate responses are usually not our most affirming and respectful ones.  (Just look at the most public tweets we see today.)  This goes to both of you.  Think about what you do and the intent of it.  Is it to promote a more joyous and mutually affirming and respectful relationship, or is it to spew out your immediate grumbleness?

I catch myself here with a smile because there is little I might enjoy more than "disrespectful banter" between my partner and I.  But there is always a clear consciousness of the love and respect behind it.  (If not, I do have a large paddle.  She, unfortunately has no such resource.)

Now, I tend to be an immediately confrontational person.  If my partner expresses herself disrespectfully, as she can do after a stressful day at work or if I hit a historical stress button inadvertently, my first questions might be, firmly "Why are you here?"  "Why are you in this relationship?"  You see, the thing I most enjoy about the D/s or M/s relationship is that We think about it.  All parties are required to work to bring that relationship to what we define as best for us.  Why else are we here?  If that is so, then respect is necessary."

OK, enough pontification for this day.  But I can not leave without a comment on his last substantive paragraph.  He had told me, “We've only been together for about 7 months now. While she considers herself to be well versed in being a slave after having been in such relationships for the past decade or so (albeit they have all been unhealthy and abusive), I am relatively new to the role of being a master.”

Time does not equate to valuable experience, unless it is learning from your own unproductive choices.  But it can confuse one into thinking they have authority.  Informing, talking about previous situations can be good, and I would definitely ask what aspects of her previous relationship were valuable and affirming to her and what were not, but remember, she informs, you decide.  Do not give her authority just because she has a longer time for experience.  The relationship you create and maintain is the one between you and her, no one else.

[3/10/21 - The above was an edited post from possibly a year ago.  But I had occasion to talk this morning with my much loved wife, with whom I am separated.  We talked for a long time about entitlement and the current restructuring of male-female relationships in the US.  My views have a lot to do with being a mature gentleman (read-Old Fuck) as well as being White, well spoken, tall, and raised in an affluent suburb of Chicago in the 50s and 60s.  I was entitled to use my body and words to touch, in a way now accepted as inappropriate (though not abusive) a woman in whom I had interest.  The reason I was entitled was that No One Told Me Different.  It was the way things were done.  I mention this because it is one of the reasons I enjoy this lifestyle.  I want to be told.  I want to learn.  I want to be able to act differently.  But I want, also, to have the ability to find a partner with whom I can negotiate a relationship affirming to the Horny Old Fuck that is Me.]

I wanted to talk a bit about myself.  You must understand that what I am about to say about myself, to the extent that I can possibly manage at this time of my life, is absolutely the truth.

Within the context of the lifestyle, I am very much a Dominant.  Now I do not know what that means to you, but to me that means I care deeply about the health and well being of anyone who negotiates and agrees to give me some type of authority over their lives and behavior.  I enjoy giving pleasure and self-centeredly, I greatly enjoy the attention and admiration of those who appreciate the pleasure I give them.  Some call me “set in my ways.”  But that is one of the pleasures one gets as a Dominant, people who wish to please you by doing things your way.

I am also a sadist.  To me, that means that I study and educate myself in how to apply extreme sensation play to willing partners who enjoy the stimulation that gives them, and specially to those who can easily transform that sensation into erotic excitement.  I do this for our mutual enjoyment.  I want to know what it does to you, and if my actions carry you to a place where it is unpleasant or you feel it is damaging, I want you to tell me.  If mistakes are made, I will definitely apologize and do what I can to make things right.  But I try to find out what excites my partner, and explore ways to make that excitement greater.

As I have said many times before, I seek a deeply bonded long term relationship with sexually open, highly responsive women who profoundly appreciate what I can do for them.

Now that I have said this, you need to know that I do not want you to believe a word of it.

I am a sadistic Dominant, and all Dominants are manipulators.  Just because I said it, and I truly believe that it is true, doesn’t mean it is.  Anyone can say it.  It is YOUR responsibility to watch, observe, and see if they are consistent in their actions with what they say. People enter into this lifestyle for a VAST number of reasons. I am here because I feel it is a place where levels of bonding between people can be very deep and intense, and that is what I want. But there are others here because they think people are sexually loose and they hope they can get a quick easy fuck without putting in the time to develop a good relationship. Still others are here because they have serious problems forming a relationship, or even have issues with anger towards certain people or possibly groups, men or women as a whole.  Others believe that the only way they can feel good, is to make others feel bad.

People do get hurt in this lifestyle and I am not talking about physical injuries.  I believe there are less injuries and deaths per capita in the lifestyle than certainly extreme sports or things like football even outside of the profession.  But emotional injury is a far different issue.  People lie here.  Go to any on line BDSM oriented dating or community site (I fear that it is true on any community site, but my experience is here) and there are a large number of people there who portray themselves as someone far different than who they are.  Some are just desperately hungry and want what they can’t get in their marriage, so they lie.  Some truly wish they were someone other than who they were, more beautiful, handsome, rich, talented, whatever, so they lie.  Some don’t think that someone else would truly enjoy what they enjoy, so they lie.  Some feel so poorly about themselves that they can not accept that someone else could enjoy their company, so they lie.  Some few are truly violent predators, and they lie.

Offline and in person there are also many who wish to portray themselves as something they might wish to be, a highly trained bondage expert, a medical expert or a knowledgeable presenter.  I personally have seen presenters who had tied and flogged people and did not watch as they passed out and fell off a stage sustaining a concussion, or a certified Phlebotomist who was so flagrantly unhygienic with the equipment she used that her demo bottom had 15 infected wounds a week after the demo.  Or simply public players who pay far more attention to their audience than their partner.  And if you hear some rumor that a highly respected and recognized community active Dominant has been accused of abuse, do not toss it out of hand.  If it affects you, talk to the accuser and see for yourself what the situation was.  Perhaps nothing, perhaps just assumptions gone wrong, but perhaps there is truth there.  We sometimes allow truly horrid behavior to go on far too long, simply because it is someone who is respected in the community.  We were all so incredibly surprised on hearing about Mr. Sandusky.  Need I remind anyone of some few members of the highly respected Catholic Church?

Remember, I can say anything about myself, particularly in text communication.  And for another hungry person, even an honest caring one who might be taking those first frightening steps into a world they feel is magic, but oh, so different, it is easy to believe, because they want to so much.  Well, Don’t.  Don’t believe what you are told.  Look to see for yourself. Take the time to see if their actions follow their words.  Talk to others in their community and see if they are known and accepted.  Talk to people who have had relationships with them.  Take baby steps before you dive off the cliff.  Be safe, stay happy.

But after all of this, please remember there is, truly a magical world out there for those who want it.  It can be mind expandingly wonderful.  But it is a world of extremes, and to every extreme, there are two sides.

The Eroticist

This was written a while back, shortly before Covid.  A difficult time for me.  

But I try to observe what goes on around me and those observations do seem to bring me to some unusual conclusions.  I hope the links still work.

I am an artist, as many of you know, and today I was buying thread for my next construct.  One aspect of this one is a progression of threads going from light to dark.  In the store, to the consternation of a few women with children, I sat on the floor with a large number of spools, trying to get the right progression.  An issue seemed to be that some colors darkened with a more yellowish cast, and some with a more blueish.  No problem, just pick the right ones and go home.

Out in the car I put on my sunglasses for the drive and noticed the colors again.  Changes, many changes.  But not enough to go through the shopping experience again.  Once home, I looked at the colors once more.  This time without glasses under daylight coming in through the window rather than direct through polarized glasses or the bright store lights.  Here, as I am sure you would all expect, the colors were again not exactly the same.  This, as you would also expect, put me in mind of Cilantro and green peppers.

Uhuh.

My good friend and former wife hates green peppers.  I do not.  I hate Cilantro.  She does not.  But it does not have anything to do with our taste in food, more in the cause of that taste or how we taste our food.  (Here is a short rather simplistic article on it.  Here is a short one specific to my differences with Cilantro.)  How I taste things may not be how you taste them.  Think of that next time you ask, "What do you mean you don't like....?"

(There is an interesting article in the Business Insider on biological and behavioral differences between Liberals and Conservatives that goes far beyond political differences.  Particularly interesting in these current times.)

The point of all of this is that what you received from the world, what you perceive, those elements which move in and around you to make up your day, differ and change depending on where you are, where you receive it, and the nerves, genes, sensing organs and the brain that interprets it. This is why you should look around you.  There is beauty there that is given just for you.  Truly, No one else can see it.

But this is a blog about my views on relationships within a Daddy/lg, SM, D/s, and M/s relationship.  It involves how one takes responsibility for the Trust and Care of another human being who has given you a certain authority over them.  Please understand, They are not you!  What is easy for you may not be easy for them.  They may perceive the world in vastly different ways that are profoundly different than how you do.  Give them room to be who they are.  First, it is the differences that give the joy in this lifestyle, but also it is exactly those differences that open a window for you to see how the world can be perceived in ways that are new and exciting for you.

So, I suppose what I am saying is that when conflicts arise, perhaps the very first thing that should be done is...breath, ask, "What do you mean by that?", understand that they are differences between you and them that may go far beyond your current understanding, and let them love Cilantro.

By request, this is an older post from my General Blog.  I will edit a bit with my current outlook

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I often think about questions and the responses they engender in my mind.  What questions are important in a relationship, particularly at the beginning, particularly in this strange lifestyle we call BDSM.  So before I move on, I want to ask you, my readers, what questions you would ask or want answered within yourself and by your prospective partner when beginning a relationship.  Seriously, I want to know what is necessary for you, what is important.  Send them as comments or write me directly.  I want to know.

I recently saw a post from a young submissive (not on The Cager) who said she needed help.  The question she gave me was, “How can i better serve?”

That is a very open ended question and has a large number of possible answers.

I would say, look at what you are good at. What was the original attraction between you?  Was it your beauty, your sensuality, your willingness to throw yourself into his direction, your enjoyment of extreme sensation, your knowledge and expertise?  What was it that attracted you to him?  What do you want to encourage in him?

Is your relationship based in a sexual relationship, service relationship, play or SM? Is it a 24/7 live in relationship, a long distance, primarily text or phone relationship?

Have you asked your Dominant/Master what it is that He wants most?

I suppose what I am saying is that the first step to any form of service is communication. You should work towards clear, transparent channels between you.

This means that the first efforts should be within yourself. What is it that you want? I do not mean that in a demanding, get what you want kind of mode, but that you have to know what you want so you can tell your Dom/Master clearly. Inform him. Only that will allow him to make the right decisions. Obviously, he has to do the same. He has to know what he wants, so as to clearly inform you in how to please him. So communication comes first.

The next thing, in my mind, is to spend a lot of time examining your assumptions. The most valuable question to ask is, “What do you mean by that?” I have said many times that there is no rule book here. You both have to discover what the other means. An amazing amount of stress cam come from assuming you know what a word means to the other. What does “Service” mean to you? What does it mean to him? ASK! Be clear!

Do you want to serve him in any way possible, even if it is incredibly uncomfortable to you, painful, just because you are tremendously affirmed just by serving him? That works for some people, but do not assume it is what he wants, nor what service means. If it is not something that truly affirms you, but it is something that he wants, that dynamic will work against your long term relationship.

Conversely, if you assume that is what he wants, and so do things that are truly difficult for you when what he wants is to excite and astound you, then when he finds out you are suffering, he will be hurt and disappointed. He may not wish to be hurting his toy.  Do not assume. Find out.

My last partner, would not argue one bit with the thought that I am a strong sadist. But many sadists would argue with that term because I love a classical masochist, a pain puppy who wants me to hurt them until the only thing they want to do is fuck me. The observer told me, “You’re not a sadist, you’re a very nice guy.” But that is because sadism to him was making his partner suffer, for him.

Every term we use in the lifestyle is open to personal interpretation. So ask, “What do you mean by that.” It is a very valuable discussion.

There is nothing wrong with questioning the orders or directions of your Dominant.  (I assure you, if he is a good Dominant, he is doing that all the time.)  It shows you wish to understand.  Questioning yourself is also a worthy exercise.  Even in the deepest Master/slave relationship, where obedience is the only requirement, to obey, you need to understand.

I would say it is even appropriate to question the relationship.  If you hear, inside yourself, questions about the care and intentions of your Dominant.  You should listen hard.  For if doubt comes in, it should be questioned and respected, answered and discussed.  But THAT discussion is for another time.

The Eroticist

This is a follow-up to the previous post, so do not think I am referring to commands given to someone who has given you authority.  Nope.  Tiz about Dinner.

Oft it seems that The Book of BDSM says a Dominant must eventually order all meals for those in their charge, this is but one step in "Path to Ownership" where the DOMINANT controls all things submissive: behavior; protocols; dress; meals; bathroom use; career; friends; relationship with family.  (Those wise will notice the flags of abuse.)  Ok, that was a rant.  Probably took it to far.

Now beyond the aspect of turning a person into an animated piece of meat, I am reminded of a college lecture on people who are suffering from a series of failed relationships.  If you listen, you might find the first descriptions of their partner to be eerily similar to the early description of their previous relationship and to the beginning description of their next.  The problem comes when it becomes obvious that the person they are dealing with is not the fantasy person they are describing.

SOLUTION!  Become their Dominant.  Then you can make them act exactly the way you fantasize.  The trouble is, all of that is coming from you. STOP!  (Whew, do I need a rest?)

Look at this person, this being that has the possibility of giving you everything that they are.  Did you hear that?  Everything that they are.  To do that, they need room.  Room to be, and room to show you who they are.  It is the glorious discovery.

OK, let us wind this whole thing back to Dinner, and ordering.  What would happen if you handed HER (OK, yea I am a Cis Het Male.  Use the pronouns you want) HER the menu and said, "Order for me."  What is she going to do and what can you learn from it?  In a very short and incredibly informative moment you will see how well she knows you. Of course, you can always say, "Thank you, but the shrimp scampi looks really good."  Then, obviously, because she is an intelligent and incredibly loving woman, she asks, "Is that a 'now' or an 'always'?"  But think how delightful it would be if she gets it Spot On.  When she shows how well she takes care of you.  Damn, that is a fine feeling.

See the point is, it is impossible to know her completely, nor is it possible for her to completely know you.  We talk about how submission is a gift.  Give her the room to show you what that gift could be, the discovery.  Let her surprise you.  She has gifts you know nothing about.  Let her give them.  Glorious Discovery.

The Eroticist

Next time you go out to dinner with someone you love, as you pull out their chair and move them in, gently run your hands down each arm and softly move their hands either behind them, or if that is uncomfortable, into their lap, and whisper into their ear, “Do not move.”  They will probably respond with, “What?”  Just repeat, “Do not move” as you pat her hands.  Perhaps cover them with their napkin.

Eating this way makes the accustomed task unusual, something physical that you share together. It makes it a time of play, of closeness, of sensuality, of one taking charge, control, and using that control to serve the one you love.  It is a dance.

Order for both of you.  If they are wise, they will accept whatever you decide.  It is only one meal, after all.  Then, as you continue conversation as you normally would.  You must feed them.  You must convey each fork or spoonful to their mouth - Serve.  They must open for you - Receive.  Your timing must match - The Dance.

On the practical side, it is easier if you sit at a small table and face your partner, be careful with the beverages and don't dress in your best.  It can be tricky.  Enjoy.

The Eroticist