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The Eroticist

I have written a blog on line for many years at TheEroticist.Com. (Lucky to get that Domain.) It is currently going through housekeeping with a new Theme, but it is still available for viewing.

As an introduction, I thought, over the next few days I might port over some of my earlier posts from my main. When I do get inspired to add a new one, I will probably post there and copy here. Please feel free to comment.
1 year ago. June 3, 2021 at 8:20 PM

As many of these things do, this began by being asked how things should begin.  (For some reason, I am having strong remembrances of 1950's fairy tale movies.)  A gentleman wished to talk about being a Daddy Dom, and what was needed.  Many things came to mind, but this was my answer...and so it begins.

It is terribly difficult to start a process such as this. Far easier to respond to questions or situations. Primarily because the path each person takes is so completely personal and unique to them. Let me emphasize that the relationship is unique to the PEOPLE within it. What your Daddy/lg relationship dynamics ARE (and let me say that a Daddy does not REQUIRE a "little" girl. While my partner have been considerably younger than I, many do not really identify as a "little" in any way), what these dynamics settle down to being are determined by your partner just as much as yourself.

But let me throw some things your way to chew on. These may be settled in your mind to a great extent, but I would suggest that they are a process, a living flux, so change is inevitable.

The hardest thing for me in my growth as a Daddy/Dom was/is to resolve the constant conflicts between what I see around me as to the scene, the books and lectures I have attended, the society in which I have grown, the mentors I have had and the way I have been raised as a child, perhaps my life environment, and compare that with what it is I actually want or what pleases me.

There is so much around each of us telling us what it is we should want. We may have beliefs firmly established within us as to what is "right" or "appropriate" to want because we are "Male", "American", "Dominant", "white" or any kind of identity label you can think of. But those labels are NOT who you are. They are labels which we conveniently use to communicate a small part of ourselves to others. Those labels can mean something entirely different to others because of their societal upbringing. It gets transmitted as a package that is defined by the person receiving it. So they treat you in a way that is appropriate to that package. Haven't you felt, at times, that because someone sees you as a Dominant or a Daddy, that they suddenly treat you in a way defined by them rather than as who you actually are?  Ask anyone where ONE label is immediately transmitted through their skin color.

The importance of this lifestyle, at least to me, is that it allows you the freedom to examine what it is that you want out of your life and your relationships rather than what you have been and are being told every second of every day.  Freedom.

Sigh, but freedom comes with proportionate responsibility. A large subject there. To my mind the first expression of that responsibility comes in the form of communication. If and when you are comfortable with what you are, what you want, and what you need, you have to communicate it. But communication does not just mean that you are confident in what you have said, it means you are confident in what the listener has heard.

Let me repeat that.  You must be confident in your self understanding in order to express it to your partner, AND you must be confident in your observations of your partner in order to know that they HEARD you well.  So in order to communicate to your partner, the best quality you can develop is how to listen.

So here is my major tip. The most valuable thing to hear from your partner or partners is, "What do you mean by that?" You want to hear that a lot. We use a lot of words in the scene. Dominance, service, submission, responsibility. Well, just like the labels I mentioned before, these are packages that are defined by the listener and what is humiliation to you may not be humiliating to them. So make sure they understand you.

Whew, that is a lot and a good beginning point. It just pored.  I hope you understood.  If not, ask me what I meant.

The Eroticist

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female) - Makes sense to *me*. We each have our own personal, internal "dictionary" and we SHOULD know what each of the definitions are. Now granted, sometimes we don't always know what we are feeling, because feelings are sometimes hard to label, BUT, acts/deeds/behaviors/limits, THOSE are easier to label and a good dynamic allows us the space to be able to communicate them to our partner/s. Sometimes, we may not know those limits till they are crossed and we have to safeword, but that's when being able to communicate is VITAL!

If we are unable to communicate, or there is no place for non-judgemental discussion, the dynamic WILL fail.
1 year ago
forgedbyfire -

You never disappoint in presenting mature, thoughtful commentary. I enjoy reading your insights. While I agree that communication is a vital responsibility to the freedom to “be” who are without external influences and judgments— the freedom to develop authentic, deeply personal dynamics, I am compelled to stress the difficulty in finding self-actualized people. I’ll speak for myself only. Within this online sea of anonymity—where people are either legitimately exploring their interests and limits or are preying upon the naïveté of others, it is exceedingly challenging to discern fantasy from reality. Those of us lucky enough to find “offline” connections that are mutually satisfying have my undying admiration. I have personally become cynical about developing connections that are, and forgive me if I sound obnoxious, worthy of all that am — much less my open and honest communication. I’ve been on the receiving end of exploitative behavior when seeking compatible partners who “listen” and “hear” me while also communicating well.

I can see where your comments are well suited for those whom are within dynamics. I just posit that the freedom you speak of can also be a burden — especially for those of us who don’t identify on the capitalized side of the “/“.


1 year ago

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