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The Eroticist

I have written a blog on line for many years at TheEroticist.Com. (Lucky to get that Domain.) It is currently going through housekeeping with a new Theme, but it is still available for viewing.

As an introduction, I thought, over the next few days I might port over some of my earlier posts from my main. When I do get inspired to add a new one, I will probably post there and copy here. Please feel free to comment.
1 year ago. June 8, 2021 at 7:50 PM

I talk quite a bit when I can, with close friends and important advisers about what it is to be a Master. Many areas of discussion came up, one of the most important was the emotional care and involvement that a Master feels towards those who give them authority over them.  The Master's love for them, if you will.

Assuredly this comes directly from my own point of view.  I have heard strong arguments from many people that you can not maintain a D/s or M/s relationship if you love your s-type.  I disagree.  But this involves something quite different from what is usually experienced in the Vanilla world as "Love."

I certainly can not say this is true in all cases, but I do believe in most.  In Vanilla relationships there is usually little discussion as to what the actual relationship entails.  What does it mean to be married? There are assumptions, many of them, but few discussions.  What does, "Head of the Household" mean to you?  Which one of you will be the HotH?  What expectations does one partner have about the other, "now that we're married."  How does either's behavior change?  Though I would guess that both people expect it to change.  I doubt that there is much discussion about what those changes might, or should be.

So what happens often is that the relationship changes through a sense of appeasement.  Internal negotiation, if you will.  "Ok, this doesn't seem to be working, maybe I should change, maybe I should try things this way." rather than sitting down for a time of clear, introspective communication with your partner.

It is my opinion that one of the greatest advantages of a D/s or M/s relationship is negotiation.  While just as I said about vanilla relationships, I can not say this is true in all cases, I certainly would hope it is true in most.  Before entering into a D/s or M/s relationship there are extensive discussions about what one person would be to the other.  What are each person's responsibilities?  How is one person to behave towards the other, though these roles and responsibilities may be quite different for each partner.

But this negotiation, this questioning back and forth, each (hopefully) asking the other, "What did you mean by that?", this does not, in any way, preclude a deep and overwhelming love and affection from each for the other.  What it does do (again, in my choice of relationship) is add to that love an understanding of expectation.  We understand what is expected of the other, and what is expected by the other.

Within my (our, considering my audience) chosen dynamic, one of the most important elements of those negotiations and expectations is the element of obedience.  It is often said that in an M/s relationship there is only one rule, obedience.  But there are many forms of relationship outside of M/s and many levels of obedience that are required.  In any form of negotiation, honesty, commitment and clear communication is necessary.  What you have said you will do, you are expected to do.  We are, after all, dealing with relationships where the transfer of authority is central.

If a commitment is made, it must be held to.  If the slave or submissive, the person giving authority, has the ability to choose, after negotiations have concluded, to take back that authority, to willfully disobey a "request" in an area where they have given authority, that is a challenge to the basic form of the relationship.  It is destructive to its core principles.  It is an end point.  (Please understand, I am NOT referencing situations where unexpected life events may prevent a task being completed only where given authority has been taken back.)

It may be easy to view the Dominant, the Master, the Authority as that strong willed person who sets the rules, holds the authority, punishes the transgressor, and if the commitments are not held, if the relationship falls apart, walks away with confidence and little regret.  Of course, the ability to do that, to see that the relationship is not working, and to call it, is truly vital.  As a very wise mentor told me, "Make the vocation of mastery more important than the relationship(s) in which that vocation plays out.  In other words, stay true to your calling and do not betray yourself in order to save, salvage or appease a relationship...any relationship."

But that, in no way, means it does not hurt.  It comes with a sense of deep loss, a feeling of personal failure, and a questioning of your own value and understanding.  It can be devastating, and require a time of recovery and healing.

Unfortunately, to be a Master, you must take  that responsibility.

The Eroticist

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female) - As everyone here knows, I am a Brat. That is the role I choose because of what drives me as well as my personal history. I ALSO know that Brats have the reputation of BEING "willfully disobedient". My question to you would be, "What about the reasons the submissive is 'taking back that authority'?".

I know that for myself, I have given authority over to someone with the expectation that he would hold up the entirety of his end of the deal. When he didn't, I would start to withdraw from some of the protocols and expectations that had been placed on me.

My submission is precious and is LENT to the Dominant. When that submission is not cared for properly, it is up to me to protect it and once again, retain custody of it. What I withdraw from depends on the Dominant. It's different with each one. It's not a punishment but a reminder to them. A reminder that what they have is entrusted to their care and not to be taken for granted.

If they choose not to remember that fact, then the destruction of the dynamic is not the fault of the Submissive, but of the Dominant. Why is the blame always laid at the feet of the Submissive? Each has an equal share, since without one, there is no other. 1/2 does NOT equal a whole.
1 year ago
Arach{Say Please} - I have some questions here.
But first, I believe strongly in communication, watching assumptions and, as I have mentioned previously, the value of "What did you mean by that?" I previously ran in to major issues in proposing a certain protocol and assuming that because she did not follow them, that the proposed protocol did not particularly resonate with her. SHE, on the other hand, wanted to test me. Was I going to hold her to it?
Well, it wasn't for me. It was for her. It was to enforce HER wish for a deeper feeling of submission. So, was that me? Was that her? Whoever it was, the eventual result was that protocols did not work for us.
Do I know a better way? Who knows? What I DO know is that it would have been better if either one of us asked, "What did you mean by that?" What did she mean by not doing what she agreed to do? What did I mean by not insisting that she do what she agreed to do? Ask, quickly, both of you.
I wonder if that might be a better reminder.
1 year ago
SirsBabyDoll​(sub female) - If it wasn't for you, then why did you propose it in the first place? Dom's have limits too and things that resonate with them so, I would offer that the protocols meant something, to YOU. That they fulfilled a need of YOUR's as well. Maybe it wasn't directly for you, but her performance of it meant something.

For instance, sitting in Nadu at the door. For the Submissive, internally, it's a form of self control, the same as waiting for a door to be opened for them. It forces the Submissive to be mindful of the Dom's location in relation to her, but, for the Dom the act of being greeted in Nadu is a "peacocking" moment. That moment when the King gets to survey his kingdom (the submissive) and he gets a sense of pride of both himself and her self control. His inner dialog, conscious or unconscious, is "I did this! Look at my control! *Roar*". He may not thump his chest, but, that primal, instinctual part of his psychie roars with the conquest.

The same with watching the Submissive wait for him to open the door and not exit without his approval. In that moment, he controls the world and at least ONE person obeys him. It plays to his need to be territorial.

I've been using you and TVS's guidance of asking, "What did you mean by that?". In fact, I used it with my therapist just last week! Yes, I thought of you both as I said it.

With some people, talking immediately and communicating immediately is the right and proper thing to do, but not for me. For me, recently, I've been practicing to take a few breaths first before I lash out in an accusatory tone. I try and figure out what exactly I'm feeling (because sometimes feelings are hard for a Brat to label), and WHY I'm feeling it. What part of my past is the present situation triggering? Abandonment fears? Not "enough" fears? Being "too much"? Am I really angry or am I afraid of loss? If I'm afraid, WHY? Once I can figure out exactly WHAT I'm afraid of (and here is where it's hard), I need to figure out "What action (by them) would work better than what has just happened?

For instance, Dom is unable to visit as scheduled. Ok. Fair enough. Shit happens.

Dom informs me 24 hrs prior that he is unable to visit as scheduled AND KNEW MORE THAN 24 HRS PRIOR that this MIGHT happen because of something he needed to do but didn't inform me that he needed to do.

That's where the problem is.

I get angry. "Wtf! Seriously? You knew this might happen in advance and you didn't tell me? Gee! Thanks for including me in your life and keeping me informed! Makes ME feel like a priority. Thanks buddy!"

Yes, that would be my first reaction and yes, in the past, I WOULD have said something similar to that.

But take the time to stop and think and what I'm really feeling is disappointed. So, what do I really need? It was the suddeness that I hated.

"Sir, for future reference, I do better when things aren't sprung on me like this.".

It's not perfect, but, it serves two purposes. I addressed my need to be given ample notice, I expressed that I wasn't ok without being accusing or passive-aggressive. I reminded him that his actions do affect my emotional well being, and gave him the freedom to make the choice to change on his own to do better in the future. It ALSO didn't place HIM on the defensive and needing to exert his dominance. Now, in the future, should it happen again, I have cause to be angry nd can remind him of this conversation.

As I once told someone, "you can't know if I don't tell you or you don't ask so here is me, letting you know.". (This works best in an LDR).
1 year ago
slaveMikayla​(sub female){MstrJ } - I read, SBD, and I feel loved. I'm glad it added value. Longer reply coming when able. I'm sorry things were sprung on you. In brief tour point, I only speaking from my own view, and make no claim of Agreement from Master Arach's view... the " stay true to your vocation not the relationship " applies both ways. If aD type is not holding true to their promises, yes, you need to protect you.. but the HOW vastly differs.
The s is responsible to the relationship not for it. So how we approach a breech of contract is different and can vastly alter the outcome.
If it were me ( and it has been) I come to my Master, humbly and gently and ask permission to speak to a difficulty. I focus on my feelings first, and when questioned I explain my perception of the root of my feelings and I make a request that he examine his promises and agreements, but I always end by asking if there is something I I have done which has prevented him keeping his agreements, or I could do to better support him to those ends. Then I LISTEN.
that will go a long way to " righting the ship". What will drive the relationship further aground is " calling him to task". My ex husband as much on an ass as he was did teach me " you cannot stand in the middle of a storm and yell at it to be still."
If the "Master" does not or cannot keep his promises, then you have to decide if you CAN or SHOULD continue to lend him your submission and do you no harm. If not, thenyou must respectfully ask for release AND DO HIM NO HARM. this is the crux of the difference, what you CANT DO is unilaterally take back the control over what you have given and pretend you are still in a power exchange relationship... because you ARE harming both of you.

~Again, just my two cents, may be VASTKY different from Master Arach's takeā™”
1 year ago

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