I am not an easy person to get close to. If you meet me I'm sociable, personable & can talk your ear off as well as listen. I'm definitely not a shy person, I have an opinion on everything, I will Spar with you verbally if I think you're wrong, in a fun way, not confrontational, I love an intelligent mind & being proved wrong but I will also listen & learn from you if I'm out of my depth in a conversation I know nothing about. My mind brain is like a sponge & I truly love to learn. I'm fiesty, at times fiery but in a positive way. I am not rude, disrespectful unless your a total idiot who thinks I'm dumb enough to fall for your stupid lying ass. I HATE lies, from white ones to big black dark ones. The truth is the truth & I will never spare someone's feelings for the sake of a lie. I will tell you my truth if asked, I am not a push over but as you may havd read in my first blog
"Emotional Abuse at the Hands of a Dominant"
I met the "Perfect Dom" ( I know, I know, no such thing as perfect) he seemed perfect for me. I'd decided to look into this desire of BDSM & he was my first experience. I'm not going over it all again he really doesn't deserve any air time, but if you read it, you'll know what I'm talking about. I think in hindsight, as much as I was "green & naive", it hurt me so much because i was angry at MYSELF more, for letting him get close to me. He was the first (& I will not apologise for saying this, trial run into this lifestyle) He was numero uno, nothing more, nada, zilch, just a Guinea Pig 🐽 . I didn't see it like that at the time. I was hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, felt ridiculed that he'd shared my private thoughts, feelings & desires with someone else & goaded me blah, blah, blah........
So I left the last blog where I was deactivating my account, seconds away from cancelling my subscription & a message popped up, which I didn't intend to open, I hadn't opened the others sitting in my inbox, but as I was deactivating my account why not humour the poor guy who was sending me a message, see? Cold heart. It changed everything for me. It changed & put into perspective the whole World of BDSM. Wow, how it would change my desire, opinion & thoughts on this "little interest I had".
I have these huge walls made out of steel built around me. I've perfected the construction of said walls, been the Foreman, the Builder & the Architect, just to be extra careful they were solid & unable to be invaded. So back to the Message I opened. It was the usual mundane "hello", I have no idea why I replied, it was late, I had no interest in a casual conversation or any conversation. I sent a few replies & logged out thinking I'd give it a day or two.
It became very clear over the next few days this guy was nice, just nice, I liked talking to him but had no interest in anything more than that, in a very short space of time, hours maybe, the whole dynamic changed. It was just like that, it changed very quickly & I had a little spark of wanting to know more. Now THIS became my first real, authentic experience with BDSM.
I learnt quickly that it wasn't about the Physical so much as the Mental connection that made it an electric dynamic for me , so that's how it started. I was Mentally stimulated, flirting was fun, it wasn't about canes, flogs or edging like the shallow trial run was, he soon became a very "little boy" in my story, nothing more than that. Yes Physically the narcissistic trial run was good, that, if you read my first blog about him, was also a huge change of what I originally thought. I'd put this dumb ass on a huge pedal stool. Schmuck!!!.
I found a person who took the time to listen, to be an online friend. This was the Man who gave me much, much more than an experience. He blew my expectations out of the water & some. That's a huge understatement, colossal but words truly fail me. I joined the cage not knowing if this was just a desire I had had for years or did I really want it to be part of my life. Was the thought better than the deed? Yes, yes, damn yes!!! I never, ever knew that the Physical part of anything could feel so........ It was just like opening up a huge crate of Fireworks & adding a match. I had NO idea, none that anything could be so electric. I've had plenty of fantastic sex in my days before having a family etc, I've travelled extensively seeing & experiencing things which will stay with me forever, I have definitely lived & felt & enjoyed life. This though, I sound so pathetic not being able to use my Vocabulary to express how I want this feeling to come across, there isn't the words though, truly, I might actually invent one, I will save that for the next blog.
So with that being said I have a few questions. I have nothing to compare this to. To anyone reading this who can relate to any of the above After a life changing, World rocking orgasm or 200 (no lie) especially after being edged at the same time, am I alone in crying? I mean bawling. I don't mean in a "ouch" way or a "wow that was unexpected". I "cry, cry" & did I mention cry? I do it after every intense orgasm, I sob.
I need to just take time to recollect my thoughts & process what I am "feeling". It's not in a sad way, it's not because I am hurt in any way physically or mentally. It happens each & every time I have had an earth shattering orgasm (s).
Also in terms of a punishment, I feel like I'm vibrating. The vibrations aren't like the every day shudders & shakes that run through my body in such an intense pattern, like electricity, exiting at my shoulders. Completely different to any kind of adrenaline release, it's something which can last 30 minutes or even longer periods of time.
I know I can't be alone in my quirks? Doubtful I'm sure but I'd like to know if anyone else has these powerful reactions or similar reactions. Sub Space is also a very real thing, feel free to share your own thoughts or experiences because I'm learning so much about myself, daily, hourly. I know no 2 people in BDSM are the same, as are no 2 people in life generally. I have had some absoloutely powerful, earth shattering reactions that have left me on the floor or in the dark. It's such a huge gift for another person to be able to get into your psyche in that way, switch it round, it's also a gift that someone is able to open both their mind & body so freely to give you the initial platform if you like, where you have that overwhelming power & control to be able to take someone to a place that is so very different to any scenario you can compare it to in real life. It leaves me with so many "????????". I've not experienced this with anyone before, it's too difficult to describe in every day words. BDSM has its very own language. It truly does & I have never found anything in life to compare it to. Nothing, nothing comes close, not even chocolate (😉🙋🤷😆). It goes past the Physical, it goes past the Mental, it's a deep rooted connection of 2 souls. I'm not talking about a casual "hook up". We can all get that any day of the week. When that connection happens, you cannot just say or think "next". It's something to keep inside you, process it, dissect it, ask questions or just bask in the utter satisfaction of being so, so satisfied.
It comes with its downsides to though right?
After this kind of intensity, I need either space to collect my thoughts or time to process what I have just experienced, then I need to talk about what I experienced etc.
It's incredible to me the very differing sides of how the Human Body reacts, esp in BDSM. For someone to have that power over your mind & body is an absolute gift. Obviously not every dynamic has this intensity but when you do, WOW WOW WOW.
Thoughts or any other reactions would be well received as this is all so new & fantastically life changing for me. This lifestyle is definitely what I want , no doubts in my mind, I just want to know how others go forward and feel when this or if you're lucky enough to find this? This is where my lack of experience fails me.
