I'm on a spiritual walkabout….internal journey.
Something told in my gut ….in my soul I need to release..
September of 2023 (less than a year ago…) I had a partial hysterectomy. (I had a condition that was progressing faster than my doctor's had planned and was teetering on cancerous.)
Growing up, I never pictured my wedding, or the white house with a picket fence or 2.5 (two kids and one in the oven) kids with a few cats and a dog. I always wanted to travel and have more of a rockstar or journalist lifestyle. (As long as I had a home to go back to. The other thing was if I had kids, I would have been like the way my mom and dad found out about me…I was "unplanned but not unloved." That is what my mom said. I thought if I had kids, they, too, would be unplanned, a blessing in a surprise.)
My guy made me want to have someone to share my life with. (I dated before him, but there was always something missing, some kind of gittlerly drive. It's a light that I can put in my dark cave.)
It hurts because his …our kids would have made the world a bit better. I'm sorry baby.
I'll be honest when I pushed the surgery, I was focusing on my health first and foremost as many would. (I did try to go to therapy, but the pedemic really has polluted the therapy industry. I was trying to keep my head together. The thing was up to surgery, I was pretty level headed. Health wise I knew in the pit of my soul, I did the right thing, but in my dominant mind I cannot think straight just as yet…. It has messed with my confidence, my dominance, and my sexuality. )
Being so far away from my beloved, I haven't got to try my new body yet. However my head isn't right ….I feel like my brain fog cleared but now my entire head is under construction.
The thing is I don't feel womanly right now. I don't feel attractive right now. I feel more like an empty cell. I didn't think this surgery would mess me up this bad.
Just a few years ago, during the pandemic, was my 20th high school reunion. They had a group on Facebook, so I got to see pictures and stuff. 90% of most people I've known have kids or some kind of family. I didn't realize even looking at Facebook hits such an emotional trigger. (Including an ex of mine, if you want to call it that, he never saw this side of me. I saw that he has a beautiful wife and three totally cute and intelligent kids. He has one of cutest little girls I've ever seen. She is going to have her pick of partners.)
I saw his profile today and it hit me hard. (Many of my old friends are so busy with their families that they had no idea I went through the surgery.)
What they don't tell you with the surgery is just how much of an outsider, just how alien you feel.
My writer's block has been worse even though I can think better. Some days are good, others are a battle. (I love my guy so much for dealing through my tangled ball of emotional stuff. He is way, way more patient than I am.)
I'm trying to get through: piece by piece and each piece is a struggle. I hope to get back into my erotic writing soon, but right now I'm working on me.
I just didn't know just how much on TV commercials even game ads were towards moms, babies, and family. (Majority of us will have kids, get married, and if you're lucky you'll do both happily. I do wish the best circumstances for all of you out there. Be happy and blessed.)
The only thing I know is that there is only one person I want to be with. I hope he is okay with us h
aving fur babies.
