So what if...?

So what if...?

kinky kitten​(sub female) • Aug 17, 2019

So I have a boyfriend and we have been together for about 2 months, still super fresh I know. Hes into BDSM and is dominant when we have sex but that's it. He doesnt like it out of the bedroom, which is fine dont get me wrong. I'm a submissive and I love it in and out of the bedroom. Fast forward here for a minute: i had a dominant from here and he was great! I ended things with him. I still have very little experience but I loved every second of being his sub. Back to my current boyfriend: he knows I like being submissive out of the bedroom, is is something I should talk about to see if he would be willing to try to be dominant out of the bedroom? I know a lot of people on here are dominant and want a submissive for outside of the bedroom as well and that's what I want. So, sorry for it being so out of order.. but, I want to explore me being submissive outside the bedroom, I feel like if I don't break it off with my boyfriend now then I feel like I never will. I want to break it off so I can find out what kind of submissive I am or if i even am submissive out of the bedroom. Otherwise if I stay in this relationship and it works out to marriage and all of the above, I'll never truly know and I'll never have the experience. So what the hell do I do? (Thanks in advance!!)

djinni​(dom female){smplylaura} • Aug 17, 2019

Communication should be the foundation of a BDSM (or any) relationship... you must talk and share. If you see your current bedroom only relationship heading towards marriage, it’s best if you share as much as you can about your needs, wants and desires and be open to hearing how he feels as well.

That being said... you can only lead a horse to waster, you cannot make him drink. If a 24/7 dynamic doesn’t interest him, it’s likely you can coerce him into it. And if he tries because he loves you it will come out forced and disingenuous. That’s not what you want.

So open up the line of communication. Perhaps if he isn’t interested he might allow you an outside Dominant. You never know.... so TALK!

PrincessSweetPeaXO​(sub female){ } • Aug 17, 2019

You have to communicate with him see where he is at. Personally I say if you know this isn’t what you want break it off now before you both get more invested. And explore who you really are, discover you, and then look for the HEA.

DrWakko • Aug 17, 2019

It’s all about communication. Once you get to talking about it get books on the subject (check my blog for a book list) and start going to munches and take classes in your community.

Most if not all communities are fully accepting of kinks. You could be in 3 things or 300 things you will be accepted because you are you not what you are into.

Lossofalme • Aug 17, 2019

I'm going to join the chorus of "Communication is key"

However, I'm going to suggest that you also take some time first and really think about what you want and what you /mean/ when you say you want to "submit outside of the bedroom". In your ideal relationship, what does that submission look like?

Do you want a relationship where your Dominant selects your clothing (and would that be underthings only, or the entire outfit)? Would you prefer to not wear clothes at all during certain times or in certain places within your home (nude in the bedroom, nude all weekend)? Would the ideal be that your Dominant sets guidelines but then allows you to make choices within those guidelines (wear matching underthings, wear skirts that hit at the knee, do not wear logo sweatshirts, etc)?

Do you want them to select your food, or the ways in which you can eat that food? For instance, do you want them to decide based on your behavior if you can sit with them at the table, or eat at the same time that they do? Do you want them to set a meal plan for the month or set a budget that you must stay within? Would your ideal Dominant control your alcohol intake, when and where you can snack, or how many calories you consume/how much exercise you get?

Do you want to submit financially or in areas like when and where you work or attend school, or where you live, or what religion you'll practice (or not practice, as the case may be)?

These are the sorts of things that you might want to consider (or that you already have considered!) in order to have a really open and honest conversation with your partner. Keep in mind that when you offer a deeper submission, you are also asking your Dominant to step up their responsibilities... if you ask your Dominant to make clothing choices for you (for example), then that is time and energy they will have to spend each and every day that they wont have available to spend on something else. That may be fantastic and a perfect fit for the relationship you both want, but that's really what your conversation is going to have to address... what does your ideal relationship look like in terms of power exchange, what does your current (or future) partner's ideal relationship look like in terms of power exchange, and how close to that ideal can you get while respecting the needs of everyone involved in the relationship?

There's a HUGE range of ways to play (in and out of the bedroom, in and out of your home) so really examining what you want while encouraging your partner to examine what /they/ want, and then sitting down and comparing notes is going to be the best way to figure out where to go from here.

I hope you have fun building a beautiful relationship, no matter where that process takes you!

No Body​(dom male) • Aug 18, 2019

I remember about 12 to 13 years ago I was with a woman who said she was a sub. In the bedroom she was a supper sub. Problem was outside she was Dommie as hell. I got to the point when I did not care to even thing about S&M anywhere. I hated the back and forrth we had when it came to what to do outside the bed. If he is what you want but not what you need there is something. You come to resent it later so please think about it before you make up your mind. There maybe someone out there who will fulfill everything you want in life. Maybe holding out a little longer is what you need or just talking to him and letting him know you need more. When I left her it was after we talked and she needed something I could not give. That was her 2 girls moving out and her finding someone who would make her see she was a slut who needed a good whipping. Oh well I found someone better later as well.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Aug 18, 2019

You answered your own question in the post.

"Should I talk to him about this?"

YES! That's what a relationship is founded on! Talk about your problems. Talk about what you want. Communicate. Make what you want clear, and if your partner can't give you that, then move on.

Re: So what if...?

NCarraway​(dom male) • Aug 18, 2019

Miss miranda,

You are 21. You need to slow down. The majority of people don't understand themselves when they are 21, let alone are able to articulate it well and able to find that perfect partner. Really at this point in life you should be testing things out, trying different types of relationships and seeing what works for you. These 'testing relationships' will be your reference points with which you can make the big decisions later. I cannot imagine many scenarios where getting married, or contemplating marriage at 21 is a good idea. I do speak from personal experience. It sounds like you have at least two reference points but that is not enough to base lifelong decisions. Looking at your previous posts over the last two months am I right in thinking this is the 41 year old DD?

My own experience of this D/s world is that there are people who do it only for the physical kinky sex, people who do it only for the mental connection (which often equates to lifestyle), and everyone in between. It may be that the physical bedroom kink ticks some boxes for you but is only a part of it. It may be that you think you want the additional lifestyle, but when you try it then you decide its not for you. It may be you try three or four or many D/s relationships and each one of them has something to teach you about what you want and need.

Every single one of these replies has talked about communication. It is such a cornerstone of this life that we always come back to it. I do get the impression that you have talked to your partner about this at least in part and he has said he doesn't want it. Now it could be that he really doesn't get a kick out of the control and he is just being up-front and honest about what he wants. You should go back to those early discussions with him and decide whether you misled yourself in what you were expecting (we often do that when we get excited). It could also be that he is new to all this and the sex has just blown his mind and kind of taken over. I have certainly been in that situation myself (early on) and effectively lost control of the dynamic while i was blissful in sexual nirvana. If this is the case he might well come around to growing into his Domhood (which sounds weirdly pervy even for this place). A third possibility is that this was always just about sex for him and the extra work required to 'Dom' outside of the bedroom (whispers in your ear - to do it right is a lot of work) is just not something he is prepared to do. If this is the guy you described as the 41 yo DD then this would be a red flag for me. Someone who describes themselves as a DD should be very involved in things outside of the bedroom. You need to go back to those early discussions and try and remember what it was you thought you were going to get.

In some respects it does not matter which of these three possibilities explain your situation. If you are sure that something is missing, or that the possibility of trying something is missing, then it is missing. Until you explore that, you will not rest. One of my favourite pastimes is kink coffee dates, and being of the male D variety I have heard many many women submissive origin stories. I have heard more than a few stories of women who 'settled' in some way early in life (sometimes for vanilla, sometimes for a man that wasn't into it for the same reasons as them), even when they knew what it was they wanted. When you decide that its time to form a lasting relationship you need to have all the data to hand and that means exploring all the things you need to explore, and a wide range of relationship experiences.

Obviously, all my own opinions. Carraway.