Question: How can you be a good Dom at 22 years old?

Sasa​(dom female) • Sep 26, 2020

With 22 I thought I know a lot and took the most advices personally. Today I know who I am and getting help or an profound advice is a honor. Not many experienced people do that anymore. Age matters and doesn't on the other hand. After I contacted my local community online first, I had the feeling of being lost between all the helpers who seem to do this like a hobby. I decided to learn from pros and as a photographer I easily pay with my work. It's not D/s or bond I could learn, this is personal, but I can see what I like and I'm not a danger to anyone, which is important to me.
We can learn from everyone but the question is, is it helpful. A few people I saw where a wonderful example to use the other side of the street.

MelMell​(dom female) • Sep 26, 2020

Honestly it depends on the person. There’s some very mature 20 year old doms and some not so mature and there’s very mature 20 year old subs and some not so much. I personally have a hard time dealing with younger subs(even if I’m also young) simply because they normally just want their kinks taken care of. They don’t care about forming a bond which is what I want. I want to know my sub as a person first and then as a sub because at the end of the day the kink is not all we are. I also sometimes have a hard time dealing with older more experienced subs because they are set in their ways and they want things done a certain way or certain kinks met. I have to remind them I’m not a kink dispenser but a woman first and foremost. I’ve also met some young subs that will follow everything to a T and look up to me for guidance which is the way it should be! I want my sub to tell me if something is bothering me and I try to be as caring and nurturing as I can possibly be. I’ve also found older subs that also want to come to me and unload their whole day on me and that’s fine. The way I see bdsm is essentially vanilla with some kinky things.
Age doesn’t dictate who you are as a person. Your life experiences and how you handle them dictates who you are. Some young people have had hard life choices to make and that has matured them far beyond their years and honestly I’ve met some older people that are immature as hell and are even more unsure of what they want in life than someone younger than them. I think for my age I’m quite mature, not the most experienced in bdsm as I’ve only really started trying this lifestyle a few months back but I have researched on my own and I read blogs here and I talked to both doms and subs that have been in this lifestyle for longer and I’m slowly getting a clearer picture of who I am as a domme.

simplylaura​(sub female){djinni} • Sep 26, 2020

I suppose you could turn the question around and ask can one be a good sub at 22, because both sides require self awareness and a willingness to grow, right? Ability is relative and it's a matter of not letting your ego get in the way. You can be a damn fine dominant or submissive at any age but also be well aware that you are growing and that it's a process without a finish line. Quite frankly, I think it's very developmentally healthy for young Dom's and subs to be together and grow together (as it is healthy for them to be with older ones who aren't taking advantage) , especially since we aren't working within the "'male=Dom female= sub" paradigm anymore, right, and our understanding of brain and maturity development is becoming more sophisticated.

Also... As a real Leather person, I believe (and so do most folks who would actually fit into this category) that the Old Guard is a highly romanticized mythical archetype that has flowed down and out from Gay Leather and can provide some guidance and structure but is far from the way things have to be. Just because someone has been around for a long time doesn't mean that their way is the right way, and no community exists without the desire and need to change and grow.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Sep 26, 2020

A few thoughts (some redundant).

Personally, i'd leave out the "good" or "bad" descriptors. i don't think age or experience is a good or bad qualifier. Many of us here think of "dom" or "sub" as part of our nature, not an acquired or chosen attribute. i think a lot of the expressions of our nature can be learned, practiced, enhanced, grown over time though.

In my mind, i also flip the question and insert "sub" where "dom" currently is. What i see is a certain amount of relativity. A relatively new dom may not be a 'good' match for an experienced older sub in terms of knowing how to meet their needs, but may be a great match in terms of the sub being able to mentor the dom. Likewise, a young dom and a young sub could grow and learn together.

As others have noted, age is not necessarily an indicator of experience, ability or maturity. Though it often establishes the illusion of those things, illusion that has it's own set of issues and hazards.

This stuff is complex lol, i don't think generalizations take us very far, this is an individual 'sport.'

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Sep 26, 2020

Good afternoon,

Age is just a number - but experience, that’s a horse of a different color. I’m in my 50s, and from life experiences outside this world, I’m chock full. But even now, within relationships and experiencing this life, I feel like a novice. When I start walking into situations “thinking” I know it all, I’m dooming myself to closing off my situational awareness - and that can be devastating in a relationship. It certainly doesn’t support me doing my utmost best to support my partner.

At 18 - 22, I knew nothing (much like Jon Snow). See how I did that there? LOL. As for Old Guard versus new Guard versus Right Guard? At that young age, I wouldn’t have been wise enough to seek advice or sage counsel. I didn’t know about the Old Guard back then and still don’t know much now. Anyone here who is younger (or even older) who seeks out advice and guidance is a far step further than I was at any age. Most of the elder members on here (or should I go with more experienced, because some of the Dominants here who are younger have more experience than I do simply considering when I actually discovered this life) are extremely open to supporting and giving great advice to younger or less experienced members. This site and some others like it are perfect grounds for any Dominant or submissive to find mentoring and advice.

I’d say anyone in their lower 20s and below may not have the sufficient life experiences to actively support the responsibilities of being a full Dominant. They can still be a Dominant in a D/s relationship and may do phenomenal. They can learn, they can grow, they can excel. They can even be better at it than those twice their age. As has been pointed out, those who are in their 50s are just as adept at failing and being fake Doms. But a good many in the young age category are more controlled by their hormones and sex drive and will miss the big picture. Generalization - yes. But true. If they are open to learning, they can become awesome. Same applies to submissives.

Again, anyone open to learning and accepting they don’t know it all are at least on the path to self-discovery and becoming better. At my age, I’m trying to be better.

LL

House Talion​(dom male) • Sep 27, 2020

The entire thing is circumstantial. Everyone knows it takes time, experience, patience, direction, understanding and so much more depending on who you hear from to truely know how to be a good Dom by the age of 22 I could say it's possible if said individual had direct leadership training from a very well trusted mentor for a few years prior to their age of lawful sexual consent which at that would start around the age of 14 considering a few states say said age is 16 if not younger
That would leave the individual with at least 6 years of self discovery and a total of 8 years experience minimum by the time they're 22.

It is possible, but then consider said individual being able to have the maturity.

The Thinker​(sadist male){NotLooking} • Sep 27, 2020

I will turn around the quesion and ask, how can someone be a good sub at 22? A good husband? A good wife? A good father? Mother? A good anything?

Yet the human civilization has survived youth, and flourished, really. To look at youth and claim that the world is coming to an end is delusional.

Re: Question: How can you be a good Dom at 22 years old?

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 28, 2020

It's like any other relationship if you think about it. Roleplaying online (on places like F-chat, Second like and Furcadia) gets people to do a lot more then just whips and chains.

The issue with relationships is that people can put up a brick wall/shield to put in distance with you. This can happen with IC only online as well (in character). Some people in BDSM are like some people on Second Life. Where all they want is fun fun fun yet they'll chicken out and flee at the first sign of being a human being with concerns.

Fortunately some people are more understanding then others. Provided you know how to approach people in general with "the topics" that really matter. Proper upfront communication. Talking about how to have that fun which, realistically, may require some effort at first. Or if not at first you're going to hit a bump down the line. Simple enough logic of being prepared.

The main topics though are "fear" (along with emotions in general) and "control". People can fear the worst all too easily. Bad past experiences fuel that. Can make people wary of being "serious" with someone else. Yet at the same time they themselves want to be taken serious when it matters. etc, etc.

I save the topics for when I sense someone has trust issues or anxiety or is otherwise hiding something. Often it is those that fall into those areas that will struggle with controlling themselves. And if you can't control yourself then should you be controlling others? Some doms lose their temper too easily. If the result is abuse, I can turn that around through presence. But if the result is fleeing and severing communication that can be the path of insanity for many many people.

Having been through hell the first time I learned a lot. And if there's one thing I've learned it's this. To always control that one event. To never stoop to the level where I'd be the one to lash out or flee. Got into being more dom like after that. And I still have that talent. Even used to help people, along with defusing hostile situations. Life and lemons, you know. But I prefer to be directed myself.

It's "expected" for most women to be sub. Just like it's the norm for males to be dom. Likewise being a sub male when females are less likely to be dom can make it a struggle. The only advice I can give is to keep your eyes open for those that show the traits of "calm" and "control" with negative traits like "fear" and "anger" being more absent. Not in BDSM circles but anywhere and everywhere. It's statistically more likely you'll meet someone outside of BDSM orientated places yet find out someone really knows how to be in control (and thus be a "dom").

I developed a simple phrase. "Doubt is calms bane". It's sometimes said assumptions is the mother of all fuck ups too. This circles back to people fearing the worst easily. Doesn't matter how things "seem". Get all the facts. Otherwise you take your assumptions with you even if you avoid someone. Which leads to negative (quite possibly self destructive) tendencies. That should be something a sub (or none sub) should be aware of. But it's downright crucial for a dom not to leave someone after a conflict/fallout. There's a reason aftercare is a thing. It's because no matter what (theoretically anyway) you're at least there for each other and can look each other in the eye and know how you affect each other. Which is something some people want to do, try to do, yet when push comes to shove fail to do. It can be just as harmful online so be mindful of that. Just like physical it comes down to "Being there". That simple.

A good dom won't flee. A good dom will simple get you to state what your needs/interests are. And a good dom will make things happen without even having to be asked if they're THAT good. But most aren't that good and some people need to set their pride aside or they never will be if they're under that delusion. Because a good dom can also admit when they need to improve on their own abilities. And they'll also get a sub to realise they'll need to as well. It's very important to keep in mind that subs tend to very easily be more shy or fearful in general. Where as a dom tends to be more confident and braver. A sub should also initiate and implement their own ideas and a dom should go with a subs "flow". Because if all you do is wait for the other person all the time every time shits gets predictable and thus boring.

There's also other topics. Like following orders/commands and teaching/learning to not hesitate. It's simple enough though. Just do what you're told, when you're told. Stall, hesitate, and the moment might be gone. Which could have lead to something. Again, things both a dom AND a sub should keep in mind. But dom wise it's a simple enough matter of thinking of what to get a sub to do. Could be "for practice" at first. But sooner or later it heads to entertainment. Unless of course a sub can be entertaining but the dom never engages with them. Some people will shut you down before giving you a chance and then it's half a year before you prove you can have fun.

Some people really do need to stop letting their anxiety and trust issues control them. I'm here scratching my head wondering why some doms make things more difficult then they need to be. The desperation for control leads to a loss of it for both people involved in the end. Some doms can act entitled and be lazy as if they shouldn't ever put in effort for a sub too. Try things THEIR way once in a while. As a dom leads so too does a sub need to guide. That's touching back on "flow". It means "Give things a chance and see if it leads to fun". Not "Assume the worst and be difficult in purpose".

No amount of training will deal with the core issues, that comes from simply interacting with people (and I'm stating right now some younger people interact more then older ones. I assure you, older people in general are just if not more flawed). It will be obvious when someone is open minded and not assuming the worst, and when someone is seeing the worst of you. And if it's not obvious then that's YOUR lack of observation that you need to learn yourself. Before even thinking "dom" first establish "fear". Of the unhealthy kind. Look out for the signs. Can be good when being put in line, but first and foremost is someone "assuming the worst" and projecting their bad past experiences onto you? That's enough of an issue in general. If a dom can't keep "context" in mind and that you're not people from the past then I'll just let that speak for itself. I'd challenge someone on the matter of course, and from there what happens next is dependent on their response. But it's a simple enough system. "That was then, this is now. That was that context, this is me doing things completely differently". Of which they at the current moment will likely NOT know. A good dom will know what is certain, but avoid the trap of assumptions.

mrsunshine​(sub male){Looking} • Nov 25, 2020

I had a 22 year old girl friend for a short time a few years back who was really great at being a Domme, she didn't have a ton of experience but i was able to explain enough for her to understand the basics and she actually was the best Domme i've ever had. Though I haven't had many seeing that there are not very many female Dommes available

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 25, 2020

Case by case basis. Get to know whoever wants to be a dom and regard age second. There are, of course, an abundance of would-be doms in that age bracket who are not ready for prime time... But I know and know of doms in their 50s+ who behave like teenagers on the inside yet display wrinkles, double chins, and turkey-necks on the outside.

I have found that "one size fits all" works only for Spandex and even then, I think it comes out in two; "small" and "large"