Enamored Dominant or Just a Lunatic?

Master Havok​(dom male) • Nov 22, 2020

Going forward, I wish that when someone young or whoever they may be asks for advice or guidance that there be more consideration for the person (who might feel dumb or scared to ask already) . But luckily I was able to look past some of the remarks and get that a lot of you guys were genuinely concerned and I thank you all for that.
I feel like this post will now serve as a good example for other people who get into relationships and have some of the same doubts or even find fear in asking for advice.

I apologize if I made you feel uncomfortable. I tried to outline that the "dom" himself was pushing too hard and to be wary. I also read your profile and knew you had been on the site and probably had made it made it through unscathed. I saw it as a very good teaching scenario for others, Dom and sub.
It's very easy to get excited when you meet someone who seems perfect. It's also fairly easy for someone to claim something they are not. I believe in the old saying "Patience is a virtue."

meeshymeesh​(sub female) • Nov 23, 2020

Hey LJ ,

No worries, I see that a lot of people had chimed in after my other update on the thread and in my messages. Some of the messages I received on this matter weren't very useful and actually ticked me off a bit. A lot of people here thought he was a serial killer of some sort but he really wasn't like I don't even think I could explain how I knew, but I took my time and am observant and quickly knew he was inexperienced after meeting up with him. Again, I really appreciate some of you genuinely caring folks on here. I'm actually still reading through a lot of these posts and see that a lot of people put in a lot of time and effort in their responses which meant a lot.

Farther along in the relationship it turned out that he was a mama's boy and the two of them were actually working together to basically trap me smh. His mom confessed that she knew he was quite immature for his age (I mean bro's living space was unclean, he had clothes laying all over the floor, etc.). She knew I was a good catch for him and she did everything she could to make sure I stuck around and encouraged me to help him out. The only thing he had going for him was a decent job that allowed him to live so trashy. I actually worked with him on a lot of those issues but it got out of hand and I had to wash my hands of him. It got to the point that his mom was buying furniture for us after I had clearly let him and her know that I was not interested in moving in with him until he could prove he was more mature which I estimated to be some years. The time that I did date him was less BDSM and more like raising a grown ass kid.

So yeah no serial killer, just a cereal killer. Thanks so much for renewing this thread, it's been nice reflecting on the support as well as my own growth throughout the past year. I'm always open for questions or to explain things that seemed vague or unclear since younger me wasn't exactly as thorough as I could've been.

Much Love <3
Meeshy Meesh

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Nov 23, 2020

Meeshy,

You handled your business, and younger you would be proud 😄

Rebooting this thread got everyone's attention so apparently you can always find us here.

I'll check in on you in another year!

LJ

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Nov 23, 2020

meeshymeesh "So yeah no serial killer, just a cereal killer. Thanks so much for renewing this thread, it's been nice reflecting on the support as well as my own growth throughout the past year. I'm always open for questions or to explain things that seemed vague or unclear since younger me wasn't exactly as thorough as I could've been."
.................
Hi Meeshy, I"m late to this conversation so I might repeat.

Reading your original message all I could see were used car salesmen rushing you around the lot. I've been around over 2 decades and these "rush you off the market" guys are not new. They rush to collar, they rush to own, they rush to dominate. And they want you dizzy with excitement and distracted so you don't re-engage your brain. Over the years I've seen several women who moved to be with the Dom of their dreams. As fast as it started, it ended and they were alone in a different place with none of what they left behind.

You have to have your own security so that you can choose without the bum's rush as we used to call it.

If this comes your way again, and it probably will, ask yourself these questions..

Would you lend him your car?
Would you let him have your credit card?
Would you let him house sit?
Baby sit? Pet sit?

If it's too soon to lend him your tangible things. It is clearly too soon to trust him with your life and your body.

I don't allow a rush to dominance, but prefer to get to know the man first. That helps me keep my head on straight. And it hurts less if we don't go forward as planned.

You are worth waiting for. Don't let anyone 'sell' you something too good to be true.

Hush

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 26, 2020

Fear then. That's why he kept it hidden btw. If he's not able to be upfront with you then that's a danger, regardless of what the partner is like.

As for his other flaws, just remember, you have your own. At the end of the day it's about being there for each other and supporting each other. Maybe he wants too but just doesn't know how. The question on my mind is if you asked. When people struggle that much, in my experience people that are younger tend to get wrapped up in all the stress and forget to go "What can we do about this bad moment we're in."

That actually includes me when it was my first relationship. I'm more capable then ever right now. But back then? Thought didn't occur to me at all. Was too busy fixating on the negatives. Instead of what I can do. So I'm wondering if was like that with you.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Nov 27, 2020

meeshymeesh​: "I actually worked with him on a lot of those issues but it got out of hand and I had to wash my hands of him."

(Its really hard to work with people on their issues. There is a psychology behind self-growth. When I was a professional organizer I occasionally had spouses, sisters, family members call me to make me a present for someone else. I did it once and never again. Giving someone a chance to grow isn't going to work. They have no skin in the game. They have to want it, seek it, and pay for it. That challenges them to get back what they put in. It's the same for therapy. If you are an adult you have to book your own appointment.)

(When you help someone casually they don't see it the same. I call it the good hair syndrome When someone is complimented, on their hair or clothes etc, it's a boost. They feel great in that moment, but it wears off and they forget it and go back to how they were feeling. Its the same when we try to work with someone. It's all good in the moment and then it fades. And if it is a behavior, like enabling and being spoiled that they like - and is easier than saying no- they go right back.)

"It got to the point that his mom was buying furniture for us after I had clearly let him and her know that I was not interested in moving in with him until he could prove he was more mature which I estimated to be some years. The time that I did date him was less BDSM and more like raising a grown ass kid."

(Sure, she created the situation by enabling him and was trying to hand off the baton to you. It's a great thing that you valued yourself enough to step off. Taking such things on can become a full time job and the minute you stop it can all go back to what it was or get worse.)

GingerMagnolia​(sub female) • Nov 27, 2020

Run. Run like the wind. Seriously. This has “Forensics Files” episode written all over it.

Everyone Has Flaws

meeshymeesh​(sub female) • Nov 28, 2020

Hi Taramafor,

I'm in no way saying that I don't have flaws. In fact, I'm admitting just that. I'm actually saying that I was more than ready to be supportive despite him not seeming to be on the same level of maturity and seriousness as I desired. The flaws I was working on with him were mainly keeping things clean, like I cannot stress this enough. He knew having 8 pizza boxes piled up by an overflowing trash can, with cookie dough left in the mixer on the counter accompanied with flour and his suit/work clothes and shoes scattered from the kitchen floor to every other room was unacceptable. His mom knew it was unacceptable and recommended that I video chat him randomly to ensure his floors were clean and his clothes were picked up off the floor. I stuck around knowing that he was like that and said we can work on it. The 'flaws' he saw in me were things I wasn't doing to satisfy him because I wasn't ready to take things to that level knowing I wasn't that trusting of him.

And can you maybe clarify on your question of "if I asked"? I'm sure whatever it is I definitely did ask, and the more I talked about trying to figure out a way to work things out with him, the more he began to shut down on me or snap at me. It's not like he didn't want to be better either, I think he just figured I should still want to be a full on sub for him despite me still feeling a little uneasy about him. I mean come on, it's hard to get freaky when you have to move dirty laundry and trash off the bed, or even just to make a path to the bed. I asked him specifically, "We both are unhappy about things, so let's make a list and try to talk about things so we can work through them." Instead, he disappeared on me for a few weeks apologizing and actually trying to talk to me as if we had been talking on the daily lol. I suspect that he found out his other girl was pregnant then and he had found out and was going through what some people might know as the male version of mourning sickness. Hey, it's just a theory though. So I honestly feel like I was the best doormat for him as I could've been. I thought maybe he needed to feel the support to get over what he had going on but nah, he just needed another girl who was willing to get prego and clean up after him. I mean, money talks for some people.

Sorry if some of these things come off as a rant, but please mind you that I never got my chance to confront him about his current chick to let him know I know he cheated, and that he's a twisted human being and all. At the same time, I've also moved on and am very happy with things as they are actually.
Thanks for chiming in,
Meeshy

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Nov 28, 2020

Hey Meeshy.

Saying hi, just keeping it on the light side. No lectures from me this time haha.
Reading you the past few days it does seem like the past year has made you so much more self-assured than you were back then.
It's nice to see. Well done.

LJ

Re: Everyone Has Flaws

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 28, 2020

To us, yes. Have you done so to him? "Lead by responsibility". And hope others follow the example.


Ahem. One word. Spying. Look at it this way. "Pressure". being "pestered". Having no say in the matter. Being told what to do. It's quite possible he never got to cleaning the place because his mom and you were constantly on his back about it. Add in a feeling of lack of self worth or/and feeling drained/tired constantly and people tend to get stuck in a bit of a slump. Especially with the added "pestering". It's more of an issue for his mom and you. It's better to give a reason/incentive then to make demands or constantly ask over and over. Beating a dead horse with a stick tends not to go down well.


In regards to what exactly? And trust or not it's honestly not an excuse to push people away. Hard, yes. But I get people to engage with me even if they have concerns. I take the right approach to it though. "Focus on the positives. What we can do. The here and now." etc, etc. The main issue seems to be the mess on the bed and such. And that other girl you mentioned. The former affects the "current moment". As for the later, it doesn't have to affect THIS moment. In times like that I put myself in a mindset of "Deal with it later. Enjoy the now." I've been through the works enough times to get really good at it. Good times leads to better things. Bad times, the reverse. If shit sucks, suck an egg. If life tosses lemons, make lemonade. You get the idea. Easier said then done, I know.


Your approach was clearly flawed then. 1: You focused on how unhappy you are (It's better to state specific situations then generalise). 2: At no point do I see a question mark here. Therefor, it is not a question. He's being told. 3: Even when you do ask it might come across as being "pushy" on the matter. Yea, it can be a delicate balancing act trying to talk to people in those moments. Direct questions and straight answers I guess.


Sounds like he was overcome with fear and couldn't handle the pressure. It happens. If you had came back after being absent would you pretend things are fine or give into despair? So the fact he was "talking on the daily" can indicate he was trying to have an "ok" attitude. As opposed to a negative one. People hide their pain.


There's more to it then that. To what extent I don't know, but I do know it's a much more complicated affair. Yea, he's a twisted human being. So was I. And the people I know. And so are you. When things get rough our ugly sides come out. Now, you say you didn't get a chance. But is that true? Or did you know and was you too afraid to talk to him about it? This is probably what affected things the most. I know of stories of similar situations. Maybe he could have told you. But being young and dumb people find it hard to be upfront and control their fear and struggle to speak up. Considering this is likely your biggest concern do you think you want to know the details? Or are you yourself avoiding the topic?

There's just too many unanswered questions regarding the other girl. And things aren't always as they appear to be. That's all I can really contribute on that account with the limited information on the matter. Let's say you never try to find out. How can you be trusted to find answers with the next person in hard times?

Personally, I always need to know. If I'm going to hurt someone or be hurt, I have to know why at least. I'll push people pretty damn hard to get a straight answer too. If I have too. At that point it's a matter of wherever someone stands their ground and faces me, or flees in fear. But at least you try when you try, right?