(for submissives) Control in the bedroom vs out

(for submissives) Control in the bedroom vs out

OG Cupcake{4everAlone} • Mar 1, 2021

^waves, a bit new to the lifestyle, introduced back in college but never had the opportunity to truly dive into it (like many had to hide) but one question i always ask a Dominant at some point -

- how much control do you want outside of the bedroom? 

*i do not know, yet, how much control i want/can give up, but sometimes i think a firm guiding hand would be helpful in someways*


recently a friend said something along the lines of - maybe submitting in the bedroom will very well help with all the other stuff.

in the clouds of chaos that is my mind, this actually made me stop and think. would it? could it? 

so my questions dear kinksters, what do you think? how do you find being sexually submissive helps you outside of the bedroom?

L a r s​(dom male) • Mar 1, 2021

It's a really good, really complex question. Before you can dive into the answer, it seems like a few other questions should be answered.

The big one being, is kink a hobby, or an extension of my personality?

For me, I am certainly not an overbearing, dominant person most of the time, but I absolutely love knowing exactly where boundaries lie. I do also like having some influence, power, authority, etc., But the more pressing matter is understanding what is expected of myself, and others.

For me this helps me at work, and supervising, or when I used to be an ra at my college. But it also flows into kink. Rope is something I use to LITERALLY set boundaries. A way of telling the sub "Since you're helpless, you worry about what's going on inside you, I will worry about everything else."

I personally would live a relationship where that's the norm, to a less extreme extent, haha. I like the opportunity to take charge in a relationship, provide and protect my gal, all while listening to her needs.

For others, I am sure it's more a hobby, or perhaps "release" is a better word. One unusual statistic is that workaholic ceo types make up a disproportionate amount of clientele for dominatrixes and the like. That heavy lifestyle of control almost requires a release valve.

So I would recommend asking yourself if you're generally a submissive person, who likes to add a kinky element to that part of your personality, or if that submissiveness is more of a release valve for you. (It's obviously not that cut and dry in most cases, but that's a good place to start.) In either case, I think your friend is onto something

gritandgrace • Mar 1, 2021

Great question!! I'm anxious to see responses, and I'd also be curious to hear what areas outside of the bedroom & to what extent control is given and how/if those things evolve.

creidsinn • Mar 1, 2021

i’m a 24/7 submissive, so as it states-all of my life , all of my time is under my dominant’s purview. It is up to Him how much control He wishes. i’ve never had a dominant want control over every second. They’ve always wanted the best for me, and so many conversations occur for me to learn Him and for Him to learn me and what ‘the best’ might be. It can be a bit daunting to hand over your life, but honestly - if you’ve done your work before agreeing to a D/s relationship-it’s amazingly freeing. you will also get a view to your life from Someone else’s perspective. It is extremely illuminating.

Jedna • Mar 2, 2021

I find it easy to submit in the bedroom.It gives me room to let someone have control and take care of me and my pleasures. For, once I relax blow off steam and enjoy being dominated. On the other hand, I am dominative out there,I Love making decisions that affect me and doing things that make me thrive.It is really hard to let someone else ,be in control of the other aspect of my life.

K y i v • Mar 3, 2021

My question, how can you seperate the two?

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Mar 3, 2021

Boundary and limits.

As Lars put it very well, some people are in this for a release.

Speaking from personal experience, as often I as I hear how a Dom wants to help a sub grow, become more accountable, accomplish goals, provide a guiding hand, etc., etc., I don't need any of those. Not to be so arrogant to say I am perfect (far from it), but I have an existing network of support professional - several mentors in my very unique career field, a personal trainer, instructors for some of my hobbies, and so on.

We keep our D/s mostly in the bedroom and 100% within our homes (i.e. there are some elements of service submission).

Wycked Pixie​(sub female) • Mar 4, 2021

This is an interesting question. My first BDSM relationship was in the bedroom only but I often deferred to him outside of the bedroom. That was more a result of my personality than the dynamic of the relationship, though.

Now I find I prefer a Dom who exerts more control outside of the bedroom. I have a demanding job with a lot of accountability, a lot of critical deadlines and an understaffing issue that really keeps the tress and pressure on. I sometimes need someone to remind me to eat lunch and having them dictate what I eat ensures it is healthy instead of whatever I can grab quick. I like having a Dom who gives me small tasks during the day or tells me to sit in a way that keeps me slightly on edge or what to wear/not wear. Those constant touch points and low level arousal all day long helps me stay balanced, which helps me stay calm when I would otherwise get so absorbed in work I neglect my physical and mental health.
I like having to check in when I leave one place and arrive at another. Even when running errands alone this makes me feel protected and cared for. Not that I can’t look out for or take care of myself but it’s the feeling it creates. Being released from making all the decisions all of the time is freeing. To have someone care enough to want to make those decisions for me makes me feel cherished, which makes me want to do my best for my Dom and to please him. And that brings a more healthy and rewarding focus into my life.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Mar 8, 2021

OG Cupcake

I am not sexually submissive outside of the bedroom. (This is a huge confusion in the newer people in the life) Controlling the sex is more often called topping (in the moment whereas Dominance is more about the relationship) Nothing wrong with bedroom control if that is all you want, but it isn't Ds as I know it.

I am submissive to my partner.

So below is more detail. But in a nutshell as his submissive, I am always mindful of his wants and needs. I want to make him happy. I want his life to be easier with me around. I put as few burdens on him as I could.

I was a responsible adult. I respected his life experience and his word. He was strong in all aspects of his life. In other words, he dominated his life, himself, and his world. He was in control. People who cannot control themselves cannot control another.

We were both very intelligent. Both spontaneous, and big on communication. We wanted only good things for each other. He led and I followed.

Ds is about balance. When you are balanced in life it is just much easier. Look up evenly yoked. Similar to that. I want to submit to a strong man who can keep up with me. Who gets me. Who earns my respect every day as I earn his.

He calls the shots. If we go out and where. If we fall into bed and when. If we make love or he tosses me on the bed and ravishes me. (always up for a good toss lol) etc. I defer to his preference but when you are evenly matched it is usually not far off from what you desire as well.

Like a dance, one leads one follows but both must dance equally well.

I am not submissive in the bedroom. I am submissive in my love relationships. There is no off switch. It is natural and organic which is why I must take care not to give that to someone who would abuse it. I am submissive to Him, but not the world.

He matches me. Strength to strength.
Passion to passion.
Smarts to smarts.
Restraint and control in each as humans
Respect to respect.
This is how you learn to trust someone.
Only in really knowing each other beyond toys, actions, gimmicks, and rough sex.
And I knew him. Almost on a psychic level. I could feel if he was upset and while I didn't always ask why I did what I could to soothe him.
That, for me, is Ds.
And if we disagreed? Or argued? He didn't pull the Dom card to get out of it. We talked and struggled on again as humans do.
...........................................
These next part you can pass by, but there is more about the day-to-day in my Ds.
...........................................

A lot depends on what he wants and that can vary from person to person, but I will use my last relationship (he passed in 2015) otherwise I have to say "your relationship may be different" every five minutes.

We spoke every day. We laughed and talked and when we planned to be together for a week or so, we would talk about what we would be doing.
We shopped, ran errands, played (whips, bondage, floggers, etc)
We had nice sex or rough sex depending. After I'd bring a towel and warm washcloth to clean him up.
I'd bring him coffee in the morning, I cooked or we did, we'd shower together and I would shave him.
We kissed, snuggled, hugged, watched tv, etc. as humans do.

He loved shoes so we would shop and I'd model shoes for him. Or he'd put money in my bank account and send me shopping, so I would take photos and send them to him and he'd choose which shoes I should buy.
When we were together I would kneel and he would place my collar, which is a beautiful marcasite necklace. (I still have it)
If there was a special occasion, I'd ask him what he wanted me to wear.
When we were together, I deferred to him. If he liked me walking on one side of him. If he liked me holding his hand. etc.
...........................................
What happened because I knew it was how he wanted things and I didn't need to be told every five minutes?

I wore colors he liked, red nail polish when I got my nails done.
When he came to visit I'd be at the door in full dress. Heels, thigh hi's, corset, hair, make-up. Just as he liked. And he'd drop his bag and look at me thrilled, which thrilled me.
He was big on safety and I was always careful if he wasn't around. (like adults do)
When my car broke down while I was driving to him, 2 hrs away, I called immediately so he knew I would be delayed but was ok.
I didn't have to be told not to flirt or fool around with other men,
I didn't have to be told to pay my bills and mortgage.
I didn't have to be told how to act like a responsible adult.
When out with him, be that vanilla or lifestyle settings, It was clear to anyone looking at us that I was with him.
If we were at a munch, or his house for a meal, I'd get his plate.
(To me these are acts of service that most subs or slaves that I know enjoy doing. Not being told to do every little thing, but knowing what you need to do.)

I was devoted to him. We appreciated the other completely and often said thank you. I just wanted him happy. And when I did something that made him happy I was thrilled.

And Him? he matched it all. We fit like a puzzle. He remembered my wants and needs. He made me feel important. He valued me.
I've had three important relationships like this. Two were over 6 years and one should have been but he fell ill.

The real world of power exchange is rich and filling in so many ways. You will make it your own so your list may differ. Whatever you seek, do not let others sell you on less than that. It will take longer to find a partner, but when you do the world will envy you. IF you want bedroom only that is your choice but I promise you, you will be missing a great deal.

H*

ellefire​(sub female) • Mar 8, 2021

Hush, so much of what you have written here is what Iong for and describes the kind of life I hope to build. I have lived inauthentically for so long I'm not sure it will happen, but I refuse to give up hope.

OG Cupcake, I can't really answer based on much real-time experience (mostly online thus far), but only in the bedroom does not satisfy my subbie nature. At first I thought it might, but it very quickly became apparent that I wanted more. And this caused the demise of my first (short-lived) dynamic, as he didn't want to control anything else.
Like many others here, I am not at all what others might consider "submissive" in my life as far as the world is concerned, but for the One who matches me? It will be amazing.