A little nervous

A little nervous

atomteach​(dom female) • Mar 5, 2021

I have a new partner and we are both switch and even though we have spent hours talking I still don’t know where to begin. I have a safe word but he says he will let me know. I know he wants more from me to dominate him. Any ideas for me? Things I can do/say? Any help is greatly appreciated.

Zedland​(dom male) • Mar 5, 2021

Well there's a bunch of things to consider starting with how comfortable are you with moving into the dominate role. If you are unsure that undercuts your confidence and a Dom without confidence is rarely dominant. And it is a big role. One in which you must not only consider what you want, but what they want, and what the dynamic needs.

But if you have steeled yourself to move forward then there is one thing to remember. You are going to screw up. I am going to screw up. Everyone on this site will metaphorically fart at the wrong moment. So don't worry about being perfect, just do your best. As long as you and your partner communicate openly and clearly things will be alright. You will learn and evolve together, growing into your roles.

Specifically where you should start is with the basics. Draw up a list of things you need to know about your partner and the dynamic between you. Make them sit down and answer. Ask every question you can think of and don't accept any half-answers, information is your greatest friend. Get their safe words and limits. Draw up a rough outline of how you will function; when they will obey and what you don't control. Lay down some basic rules and punishments. Once that is out of the way use all that information to think up a game, something you both can enjoy. Doesn't have to be elaborate, in fact simple works best.

glasshouse • Dec 2, 2021

Hard left there @detached. Sounds like OP is nervous about domming and wondering how to initiate… I think walking into the bedroom with a strap on is gonna send somebody running for the hills if not eased into it. Sounds like a level 2/3 play not out of the gate. I agree with zedland - info first, talk talk talk and play only when you have a firm idea about what’s wanted by both parties.

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Dec 2, 2021

I often conclude that *some* of the replies here are just knee jerk toss off types of responses rather than any real effort being put into understanding or caring about anything deeper than just pure fuckery being on the menu.

Re: A little nervous

bigandsmall​(sub female) • Dec 2, 2021

except for the strap on comment I agree with the advise given, I might also add that as a submissive (possibly evolving to masochist) if you are taking the Dom role, "I'll let you know" is unacceptable. Perhaps you can give him a suggestion and discuss together. communication is everything and so is reassurance that if more intensity is desired during your play, he can ask for it, etc blah blah blah. But first and foremost you must begin with a detailed conversation so you don't accidentally over step.

As for getting started, When my Dom calls he gives me instructions upon arrival (we don't live together) example: wear xxx come in and remove outer clothing, assume position and wait in our usual designated spot. Since it is first time, maybe in the inspection position? giving you both time to calm nerves or intensify them? the waiting exposed can be delicious. smile

Miki​(masochist female) • Dec 3, 2021

All in all, the best advice at this stage is communication. There's never "too much" communication if there is headway being made.

Also mix it up with "other stuff"-- get to know your partner on other levels. Hobbies, their work, and share your interests. It might be easier to get started once each partner is incresingly comfortable with the other.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Dec 4, 2021

Agreed, and agreed.
The best thing is communication. Period.
And ignore the strap-on comment. Lets just assume it was an ill-timed joke.

This part confused me:
"I have a safe word but he says he will let me know."
He will let you know what?
You both definitely need safewords.

No Body​(dom male) • Dec 5, 2021

I am a Dom but I have been with a few subs who were just starting out. I like to test them by doing nothing more than having a flogger in my hand as I walk around them asking questions. This puts pressure on them as to wonder if and when I will use it. When asked if I will use it, I tell them "When I am ready you will know". It is a slow start to dominating them so it maybe something you could both try and see how it works. I think both of you need to find your own style of domination and go with that, this way neither of you know what will happen next until it happens.

I'mME • Dec 11, 2021

Your last sentence is how I often feel about the content of some 'Doms' initial messages.