Why are dominant women the smallest demographic in BDSM?

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Mar 16, 2021

Crazy how people ask where all the "xyz" are, when they are actively participating in alienating them. But when the environment exists to nurture, they arrive in all their glory.

MstressWhipplash​(dom female) • Mar 19, 2021

Firstly not all men who indicate they are submissive can actually give up authority to another so are often bottoms who solely seek play sensation whereas the Dominant Woman chooses mental connection and getting to know each other first.

So that cuts the number at least in half. Next look at demographic, and mutual compatibility and that number of men seriously shrinks.

So actually there are actually less Submissive men than Dominant Women.

But then you only need one so large figures are inconsequential.


Mistress Whipplash Ma'am

acquiesced​(sub male) • Apr 9, 2021

My first reaction to the OP was to look at the supply and demand numbers (ratio of personal ads here, for example). It's my analytical brain. But after some thought, it's much more than that.

I am generalizing here: Dominant men, generally, pursue submissive women (primal). While submissive women make themselves pursuable. You can see it in the personal ads, profiles and pictures. This is common in nature too. I've witnessed a young doe prancing and taunting two young bucks, whom to vie for her attention and mating rights, will fight to the death.

In my limited time for which I've had an interest (very strong interest, that is) in Dominant Women, I've noticed that they general don't pursue. They don't blog often or toss out teasers of their lifestyle. They generally don't start forum topics. They don't have to. There's an ample supply of suitors (quality or not) constantly contacting them for their attention. It's this quality that dominant women have that wholly defines their dominance, and I think it's sexy as hell. The problem for me is that I'm very shy, and have a hard time making first contact.

Instincual Differences

IBreedBagels​(dom male) • Apr 9, 2021

This subject is a bit touchy, but it really comes down to the differences between men and women.

Naturally women like to be comfortable and taken care of, "secure" if you will and men naturally take on a more protective, dominant and providing role, the "hunter" ... of course there are outliers to every situation, as life events, upbringing, and a large amount of other factors can change a persons view on things.

It takes a specific set of circumstances that makes a woman take on and want a dominant role, its a lot less common but it does happen. The same for men and wanting a submissive role. Nothing wrong with either side, just comes down to individual circumstances and the "randomness" of life that makes these things uncommon.

Miki​(masochist female) • Apr 10, 2021

This might have been covered, I skimmed these 4 pages though. From what I have seen, even on "vanilla date sites" "Men Seeking Women" vastly outnumber "Women Seeking Men".

And sub males take heart!

I am no longer "active" but, a few years ago, in the brick-and-mortar world, as opposed to Online which wasn't any more fruitful by the way, it was hard as hell for "even me" to find a dominant or better still, sadist woman.

Those who were out there were "taken".... And I wasn't even openly being a brat! But maybe I'm too skinny. Who the Hell knows??!!

My brat nature came out later, when I gave up and decided "Screw 'em all! I'll stay home and play with myself!!"

(well, thoughts to that effect...)

Oddly enough I got some attention -- only after I left the "available now" scene.

* * *

...But that's kind of natural. Everyone is curious about the apple that's too high on the tree to reach.

(and for statistical purposes I don't count married men with the middle-age itch)

Taramafor​(sub male) • Aug 28, 2021

There's a lot of talk about what people "look" for. To this I say I get the "not interested" to get interested.

I do harass them. With the truth. "What don't you know? Why do you assume?" "Do you want to curl under a rock and be that weak pathetic person that can't handle it?" (that last one is more aimed at fragile subs. But could apply with a dom).

We rarely find what we look for. Focus on where the answers lie. What isn't known yet? Do you know me? Did you ask and find out to know one way or the other? Only in that do concerns get addressed with answers found. Only in that does fun get discovered instead of ignorance and fear.

The main factor at play isn't if women are interested or not. It's if they're even around in an environment to begin with. I can handle a lot. I know others that can handle a lot. So when I hear about how they're keeping their heads down, I ask myself "Can they handle more?"

I think too many people assume they won't enjoy something instead of actully trying to find out. That goes for any gender. You will get "harassed". Guys have to deal with it too. It's not just females. So if that's an excuse then it calls things into question. Concerns about being seen as just sex objects perhaps? Well, sex is important. But so are other things. And sex is more then about just fucking.

I think women are afraid to stand out more. Because if they did they're get a lot of attention. It's a statistic issue really. When a number is already low in an area then you will be more of a target. But how will that statistic ever balance out if the number doesn't rise higher? It's a bit of a catch 22 situation.

MstressWhipplash​(dom female) • Aug 31, 2021

Not all Dominant Women who lead their relationships want kink in them or want some random stranger reading about them. So they avoid kink sites.



Not all guys who say they are submissive wish to actually give up authority to a Dominant Woman. Some are submission fetists that is, they like the kinked up washing up, the sexy playtime, but not actual reality of HER having the final say on how things will happen.(For example She chooses where they go out to dinner, what location for holiday.)

Many newbies are bottoms who solely seek to receive play sensation and should really seek a play Top. Where an eglitarian approach occurs. Including him making sure SHE also has a great time.

Bottoms and submissive fetishists are often me, me me

Then there are the guys with a thick YES filter. That no matter what the woman says he takes it as a YES when she said F**K NO then blocked him.

Finally there is the genuine guy who does want to give up authority to a woman who leads in her household. These thoughtful men are rarer than first thought.

Then add they are too far away, or some other reason why he isn't compatible. Such as though he wants a woman led relationship he doesn't want sex. And spouts chastity BS even though SHE calls the shots.

It gets boring quickly.

So unless I get on well with a guy at a FemDom munch, I carry on with my Polyamorous life.


Mistress Whipplash Ma'am

Domlove​(dom female) • Aug 31, 2021

I personally do not think the ratio is that off. Dominant women are still women with a biological clock. After several experiences of dealing with fake subs who are topping from the bottom, switch and those to become "sub" because they want to have access, at some point if a good vanilla opportunity arrives and she is about 34/35 years old, she may likely take up the opportunity to start a family. As mentioned before, women tend to want to preserve their family, hence unlikely to leave and return to BDSM. I am aware of two Dommes who recently threw in the towel. 

Steellover​(sub male) • Aug 31, 2021

It is interesting to read that while the numbers are certainly skewed towards submissive men vs domme females, the numbers may not be as skewed as the dating sites indicate- for reasons that the dommes on the online websites are tired of putting up with BS from horny/desperate and sometimes outright rude submissive men. So, they keep it offline.

I also read, a couple pages back, that it is wrong to "settle" for a partner who may not be your ideal BDSM mate. I can understand this, but after about 20 years I've come full circle: I started out like many guys as being one of those clueless horny newbies chasing female domme fantasies, to evolving and really discovering more about the lifestyle, and about who I am sexually and what I wanted and didn't want in a dominant female partner. And just really learning what was out there. And I eventually realized that what I wanted may not exist, or at least, the odds of finding that dream partner are so low that it may be time to be more realistic about what I seek. In my area, there just isn't much of a kink scene, even underground, and only a couple who are pay-to play pro dommes. While that is fun and exhilarating for a few expensive paid sessions, it does not lead to a sustainable or mutually satisfying relationship in the long run, which is another thing I discovered.

I have met countless women over the years that I was physically and romantically attracted to, but who were likely pretty vanilla in terms of what they wanted out of a relationship (that is, NOT a female-led one) and what they wanted out of sexual intimacy (that is, NOT kinky.) So, they may not be able to satisfy my deepest and darkest sexual fantasies. But the thing is, I can accept that, and be totally okay with that. Maybe some people simply cannot. There are other aspects to a relationship that I seek: Companionship. Love, sharing, common interests, common values, and really being together intimately. No, it is not fair to expect your vanilla partner to tie you up and paddle you, or whatever, but I'd be okay with not asking her to do so.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 1, 2021

There's also the doms that don't hesitate or stall to make someone happy. Only people that worry or assume will hold back. So those that don't hold back don't worry unless there's a reason too with the company they're around (as opposed to "lumping" from past expreinces and assuming how things will go).


Happiness is something that has to be talked about. ASAP right off the bat. Can go well. Can lead to conflict and arguements yet work things out. Can get quick results in a week or two provided you keep doing feedback and improving on what you do. Anyone making excuses to go slow is making excuses to not consider your viewpoint in my expreince. Don't mind talking and working things out before doing things. Do mind time being wasted and not going to coddle. Wouldn't want to be either.

Some brain dead idiots think they can just go "I'm just me. Never think of other peoples viewpoints when challenged with my own" (these tend to be the "slow" types) and use that as an excuse to not even use their brains. I can convince X person of what the truth actually is if they consider my thoughts/opinons. I can't do that with Y person that doesn't even try to use their brain. Except I can when they're called out on their BS (how would YOU feel). But it's more unpleasent. If I coddle people when they don't even try to think of anything else then what they know, then I'd only be enabling that behaviour.

Open minds. Seeking to understand. Those are the only traits I need from anyone. And it might seem like I don't do it myself, but people that find out realize it's the reverse. Which likely sounds odd. It's like, I'm 100% invested from the start. And even if someone holds back with me at first they do end up having to agree 100% both ways is the only fair way. Anything attempted before that is one sided and ends up not being fun. But anything after leads to fun and happiness. You try. I try. Let's work together and things get easier and fall into place with feedback.

That might seem simple. But if it's so simple... Why don't enough people do more of it?