Update from previous post (red flags or just not cut out for it)

Update from previous post (red flags or just not cut out for

Diaaa • Oct 28, 2022

Hi,
I just thought I'd give an update from my previous post as I got so many kind and helpful replies.

I ended the relationship with the man in question. After finally sort of accepting that it wasn't okay, it all hit me - flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares - you name it. It's been difficult but just further proved everyone's points that the situation was dangerous and non consensual.

I spoke to my trauma counsellor earlier today and started to divulge some of what happened. Thankfully she is kink positive and didn't just instantly right it off as abuse when she knew heard 'bdsm' which I found very reassuring. After listening though, she reiterated what all of your responses had say about it being unsafe, non consensual and basically a violent assault, not healthy exploration of a mutually agreed upon sexual preference. It's been a difficult week, but it feels like I'm at a turning point and I just wanted to thank the people on this forum because I genuinely wouldn't have spoken to my therapist about what I went through without everyone's input and advice. I know I have a long road ahead to process everything and to develop a healthy relationship with sex and kink, where I feel safety, pleasure and respect, but at least I have kickstarted things now.

Right now, my focus is on healing and not relationships, but the site has given me hope and reassurance that once I have done that, I can explore my sexuality and real kink healthily and with someone who cares about my wellbeing, in the future.

So thank everyone so much

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Oct 28, 2022

Very happy to read this update! I’m glad you came here for advice and that you were able to in turn bring it up to your therapist. Most importantly, I’m thrilled that you’ve ended things with that abuser.
I hope you stick around here. This site has a wonderful knowledgeable community. Since I didn’t say it before…welcome! 😊

AsPetrichorr​(switch female){not lookin} • Oct 28, 2022

I am happy you did it. It will take time but you will heal I believe you just need a break from relationships to get back to being yourself. I had bad experience in relationship in pas with power abuse( i dont even noticed when it went there) so I know how you feel. it took me several years to be back to myself. I did not go into any type of relationship for that time being until I felt ready. I just worked on myself, learning how to love and prioritize myself in all.
We are here to support you:)

Solace​(dom male) • Oct 28, 2022

Good for you darling. I hope for you the very best relationship in the future. I pray this has not discouraged you, and you still have the courage to reach out for the compassion and love that is out there. Stay strong.

Steellover​(sub male) • Oct 28, 2022

Good for you to have the courage to walk away, and the desire to seek help, and for coming to the realisation that it was a toxic relationship that was ruining you. Here's to you hoping for a happier future, and someday, when you are ready, hoping you find the right partner for you.

Miki​(masochist female) • Oct 29, 2022

Wise move. Dudes like that are a waste of skin.

Good for the counselor, too, although any counselor worth the salt on their degree knows that there is a chasm of difference between being smacked around unbidden by some dude (though not always a guy) and a consensual situation which involves impact play.

No proper counselor would blame the attack on you because you're into BDSM any more than anyone should blame a sexual assault on what you (rhet) were wearing.

But you can never be too careful all the same. I've had plenty of times where dominants would see my black choker (when I used to go out on a friday or saturday) and assume I'm dungeon-ready. (I usually was back then, but such is never be assumed just because I wore a choker, , short leather skirt, or (only once!) fishnet stockings.

Such is to "come up in a disussion" and then I was often ready to go.

But I digress. As for you and the next chapter. With any relationship-aftermath, avoid the rebound or in this case "going right back out there". This isn't like falling off a horse. This is life.

Get some "you" time, and maybe even set this "twisted" shit aside for a while.

Paragon​(dom male) • Oct 29, 2022

Glad to hear it, I hope you find something that brings you joy and pleasure.

Little moon​(sub female){Not lookin} • Oct 29, 2022

I would most definitely recommend that you keep some sort of journal or diary for yourself, detailing your experience, feelings and the emotions it brings up (the events and thereafter like the panic attacks etc). Try to note all the things you were uncertain of, that worried you (that uneasy nervous feeling where you were hesitant but kept brushing it off as your being inexperienced or not communicating effectively - ie gaslighting and blaming yourself). Note all the (now evident) red flags and things that didn't quiet sit right with you, as much detail as you can. Because you can and should reference that going into a new dynamic /situation moving forward, and you can also use that to reaffirm yourself when you feel lost or confused in the future. It's wonderful that you're willing to work on yourself and learn from everything, grow into it slowly love there's no rush whatsoever ❤️🤗🐾. When in doubt ask for time and space, and most importantly look inside to see if you're comfortable. Best of luck in your journey 🦋

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Oct 29, 2022

First of all huge congratulations for extricating yourself from the obviously toxic relationship!
And secondly well done you for seeking sound professional advice, from both inside the community and outside !

Clearly now you need a time of reflection and healing, that may take weeks or months, there’s no rush, I’m pretty sure you have learned many valuable lessons!

Two things to remember, a red flag 🚩 is always a red flag they very rarely turn into a green flag, and secondly always trust your gut, head heart and nether regions always lie to get their needs fulfilled!

Good luck with your future journey 💙

Re: Update from previous post (red flags or just not cut out

I'mME • Oct 30, 2022

Diaaa,

You are a strong person and I am proud of you for breaking it off and for broaching the subject with your therapist.
I will not get mushy, but if you ever want to chat, shoot the breeze, or vent, or hear a joke my box is always open.

❤️