Happiness in a relationship

Dom Pinnacle​(dom male) • Oct 31, 2022

Very good points. The Internet had become the great escape.

AsPetrichorr​(switch female){not lookin} • Oct 31, 2022

The reasons I would leave relationship:

Using harmful substances(drugs any category/class)
Alcohol problems.
Stagnation or stop in personal growth( ( I am curious person and always stuff myself with information of any kind as well as like to have intelectual discussion of many different topics). growing not only intellectually and spiritually ( spiritual growth very important) but also goal driven and achiever).
Overall lazy person.
Verbal/psychological or physical violence that is not related to BDSM.

I'mME • Nov 1, 2022

DOM Pinnacle

Tom Brady made a promise to his wife and partner that he would retire. He failed to keep that promise. In a power exchange relationship, this is grounds to end it, so while it may seem she threw the towel in, it was actually her husband who threw the towel in. They both have put their children first and attended the mandatory parenting classes Florida requires when 2 people divorce.

She had also spoken about the physical, long term effects that football has been proven to be possible and her concern for her husband.

Sometimes people head down different paths thinking that the other will be okay with it, get over it, suck it up, etc but that is where someone can be blindsided.

A promise should mean something in a relationship. It's your word, your honor, and people should not be casual about it.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Nov 1, 2022

i think this is a great topic of discussion, i have some thoughts to toss into the mix.

i grew up in an era and culture that was unaccepting of gay people. i grew up when the standard idea was that being gay was sick and sinful, by heteronormative standards and religious standards (respectively). Of course, my ideas and options for relationship were affected by my conditioning. my reality was/is that i am attracted to men, but what 'should be' was very different.

i could go into detail, but the point i make now is the expectations i was conditioned to have about relationship did not aline with the reality of who and how i am. Processing through that web taught (sorta forced really) me to look, identify and question the status quo.

i think a lot of unhappiness derives from failed expectations, expectations that were not built on a foundations of reality in the first place, and destined to crumble accordingly. How many childhood stories of romance/relationship end with "and they lived happily ever after"? Who has not been exposed to that conditioned expectation?

Humans are a combination of feeling/emotion and rational thought, and in my experience, feeling/emotion usually wins out when it comes to what guides and directs our actions. We may rationalize our feelings because we've been conditioned to believe reason is superiour to feeling, but i think our feeling are often steering our decisions.

For instance: "falling in love." We base so much on that feeling, but how many have a reasoned out explanation of what love is? Just the phrase: "falling in love" makes it seem like something random, like we slipped and fell into a mud puddle, or off a cliff lol. Of course, our emotions are postive about it, so maybe it's more like falling into a puddle of chocolate pudding? Either way, love (as a basis for relationship) is often treated as some random event that happens to us vs a rational choice. A random event that we place a huge amount of expectation for happiness on.

Part of my religious conditioning, both growing up and as an adult, bandied the term "love" about. A lot. It was foundational to the belief system i grew up in, and i think a lot of ideas/expectations from religion have been woven into social culture in general. It's hard to know which came first, sort of a chicken/egg question.

While i left the absolutist approach that i was raised with (for me, it did not jive with reality), i did believe there were some gems worth keeping, but they translate differently than they did in the culture i was raised in, when applied to the reality of who and how i am.

For me, the basis of relationship, and especially 'romantic' relationship needs two foundational components: love and compatibility. i do not see that either of those things gets much rational attention, that most of that is guided by how we feel. i believe our feelings can benefit and be supported by some rational structure.
i think we need to learn how to identify our needs, and subsequent wants, and to be able to articulate to our self ('self knowledge') and potential significant others ('communication') what those are. As i see it, that is how we can establish compatibility. Of course, it's not that simple or easy, because life is fluid. Some needs/wants stay fairly stable and constant, others mutate, so what starts out as compatible, may not sustain as such. So, is the expectation of the happiness we derived from the symbiosis of compatibility realistic? i don't think there is a black or white answer to that question.
i also think that we can benefit by including a practical side to "love." To me, love does have a sort of mysterious side to it, but i also think it has a side that can be seen, understood and practiced as a principle. To that end, i've tried to come up with a love framework for my own life as a guiding principle. Mostly, i see the principle of love as a sort of graciousness we can adopt and practice in relationship. To me, love foundationally acknowledges our imperfection, both in seeing and acting. So, we mess up. because "....we know and see in part." If two people in relationship truly grasp that as the human condition, it makes it more natural to forgive, because what we are often needing to forgive to help preserve cohesion, is our natural propensity to fail.
i measure a persons maturity (and thus qualification for relationship in general) by their understanding and dedication to the principle of love. i think the need for love is a thread that binds all of humanity together.

i think where a lot of relationships fail because of not enough happiness is because of incompatibility and lack of, or imbalance of love (i.e., both people are not similarly mature in their understanding, dedication and practice of the principles of love).

Byrdie​(switch female){rl only} • Nov 1, 2022

15) Stonewalling, deflection, projection, and other attempts to avoid resolving conflicts. Once the communication disintegrates, I'm out.

I tried to keep relationships, including a marriage, going for upwards of a decade at a time before I entered therapy. No more. I'd rather live alone than put up with that crap again.

Dom Pinnacle​(dom male) • Nov 1, 2022

In life, promises are made. Also in life, promises are broken. It is important to look at the reason why the promise was broken, rather than just the fact that it was.

Football is Tom Brady's life and passion. It was before he ever met Gisele. So in my honest opinion, the breaking of that promise was not grounds for divorce. If so, women should stop seeking very ambitious men. Because guess what? They will never be happy. The way I see it, when you choose a hyper competitive man expect he'll hang in there longer than you or he expected.

I wouldn't be surprised if Tom playing one more year was just an excuse for her to end it. Because it looks petty. And these are the scenarios that we are reduced to now. There's no love. Every little BS detail is conditional and negotiable. It's quite sad.

Lastly, why even get married? At this rate it makes absolutely no sense. Everybody has their own career, passions, likes and dislikes. There's maybe one percent of the general population that can make it work at this point. Finding that needle in a haystack looks so much easier now. Reminds of the promise to love and cherish one another till death do you part. It means nothing. Zip. Zilch.

Stop searching for happiness. It's a temporary feeling. Look for being content and willing to put the work in to make something work that took over a decade to build.

I'mME • Nov 2, 2022

I disagree on promises. I don't own much that had a high monetary value, except my integrity. Part of that is my word, and you can not buy that.

I have always been a content person, bc if I want something, I earn it. It doesn't always work out, but it doesn't make me unhappy. Happy comes from within, people depend too much on someone or things to bring them happiness when actually nothing will satisfy that need bc the problem is I side of them.

Some folks lay blame on everything or other people and don't do self reflection.

I think schools should teach emotional intelligence as well as financial intelligence.

Bunnie • Nov 12, 2022

@tallslenderguy,

I absolutely love your response and wholeheartedly agree.

IronWorld​(sadist male) • Nov 12, 2022

We've raised nearly three generations on television, video games and the internet. Psychologically speaking, the human race is a hot mess.

LordofPain56 • Nov 13, 2022

Adding to the op's list;
#6 Instability of one of the partners. If one of the partners has some type of problems with family members, career problems or needing to be away from home too long on jobs, mental instabilities or commitment instability, those things should be detected during the courtship phase and prior to the signing of the covenant. Many of these can be worked out if the unstable partner is willing, but if unable to, a relationship should not be pursued. My idea of commitment is a lifetime companionship with that person. In order to gain a better understanding of my philosophy on this, one would need to read my old, more detailed profile which has never been on this site.
#7 One of the partners change at some point. From my perspective, when a partner changes from something I loved to something that is foreign to me, it is likely that some love will be lost. But I am the type that will bring up in conversation point blank what I see happening and invoke a response as to a possible solution. Next thing is, if she agrees that she has gone off the reservation and vows to get back on track, all will be well, but if not, can I live with the change?
#8 Continually breaking the rules for which there are clearly established punishments which have been previously agreed upon, however, the offender denies receiving the punishment. Not much point in going forward from there. That is a blatant breech of the covenant.
#9 Extended physical separation of one partner from the other can lead to unhappiness. This can occur if one of the partners goes to school or takes a job during hours when the other partner is home from their job. Even worse if one partner must relocate to a different State to take care of ailing family member or long-term assignment for their job. Some of these might be worked out by negotiating weekend visits, until the wayward partner returns to the happy home.
#10 Family members who are opposed to the relationship for one reason or another. Example; in the mid '80's I was going with a girl who had sons ages 12 and 15. The 12 year old was cool and he was open to my wisdom and fun to be around. The 15 yr old was hellbent upon getting his mother back together with his father (who had repeatedly cheated on her). There was no solution.

Some things you just can plan for. Life happens and people are not perfect. It is a challenge to maintain harmony and happiness in the home when your partner goes awry.