Playing with no Committment

lambsone • Sep 28, 2023

Thank you for sharing ChillVibes. It seems that no one in the lifestyle can be completely indifferent to the one they are playing with. Perhaps someone who functions as a teacher in the lifestyle and can keep their mind on that goal, would have the ability to be neutral due to their goal. The submissive would probably need some kind of aftercare to come down emotionally from a session as the act of surrender just brings an attachment of some kind to the one who teaches/plays with them. But I think if one is seeking mutual pleasure, that's when the situation can become blurred and emotions come into play and thus the potential for attachment. I like your comment that we need to know ourselves and what we want. That would give a good base for interaction with another. I enjoyed your comments. Thank you for sharing.

Sasa​(dom female) • Sep 28, 2023

People have reasons why they can't commit. They have partners, kids, tons of packages maybe or all together. As much as it might be understandable, it isn't healthy for the other. One would always open up, which is a good and natural process in every world but especially in ours. I would say, please don't date boys or girls. They can be of any age and are simply not ready if you want and need a real deep connection.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Sep 28, 2023

This has happened to me more times than i can count... to the point that it has me a little paranoid. Guys sounding great on paper initially, and then at some point along the way, i discover they have no job or means of supporting their self. i get that there are those who are into findom on both sides of the slash... i'm not one of them though. When i was married, i was the sole financial support in the relationship, which was fine at that time. But when we divorced, she literally got everything, and it was a lot. It represented my entire life work, it was not just a material question. Since i had supported her 31 years, the courts decided i either give her everything or provide alimony for her the rest of her life instead of a 50/50 split. While we were married, i'd suggested she might work, pursue a career, or go to school... she didn't want to do any of those things and i started to feel like a paycheck. The divorce where she got everything underlined that feeling for me.

All that to say, i have reasons for not wanting to enter a committed relationship with someone who is not able and willing to support their self. i would never be sure or confident that that person wanted me for me, or just because i was paying their way. i'm not making a universal judgement on people who want that, but i'm clear that i am not one of those. For me personally, a qualifying factor of adulthood is the desire, effort of being able to sustain oneself financially and emotionally, independently. i feel i'm clear about that up front, even in my profile, because i know in BDSM people on both sides actively seek that type of relationship . To me, that is something both bring to a relationship. Not talking wealth or perfect emotional wholeness, it's an attitude i look for. Still, i keep getting approached and courted by guys who want someone to rescue them or pay their way in life. It's not an age thing, they can be of any age.
i end up "playing without commitment" to supplement till i find a fit where we can both commit. i don't think that is uncommon, especially with some of the complexities kinky people have.

DominusManibus​(dom male) • Sep 28, 2023

Like L.O.P. I am not a fan of short term play partners. I much prefer a long-term affair as opposed to this one and that one. As dominant there is something special that develops between a Dom and sub. Those nuance are what make the relationship work. Switching between subs makes, in my opinion, for a selfish session. In years past I was that selfish man. How do you earn the trust if the sub knows he/she is one of many.

DM

lambsone • Sep 28, 2023

Very good point DominusManibus, especially your last sentence.

Steellover​(sub male) • Sep 28, 2023

I think what you said above, that "The act of surrender just brings an attachment of some kind to the one who teaches and plays with them" really fits with a lot of people. When someone brings you to sub-space, brings you to your most vulnerable, compromising and emotionally and physically intense head space, it is natural to want a deeper connection with them, or to imagine that such a connection is already there, even when it isn't really there. This is where I have had to step back, with some of the pro's I have played with, because obviously as professionals, they were simply unable to (and unwilling to) offer the deeper connection I wanted.

lambsone • Sep 29, 2023

I didn't think of that side of not wanting to connect Sasa ... very good point that maybe they need the play but are not free to attach.

lambsone • Sep 29, 2023

Yes Steellover, I myself was able to play parttime with a Master for about 1/2 year before I began to emotionally attach to him. Because I had no experience and everything was new to me, I think it distracted me with the wonder of it all. But after that is when I began to see Master as a man who was worth getting to know and I began to "feel" the connection.

I'mME • Sep 29, 2023

Manibus,
I would add this, since it takes time to develop trust and build a foundation for a D/s, I don't see or understand people labeling or calling this activity D/s. If people want and are good with engaging in these activities w strangers, I would say, great but it's not submission. And I know certain people have had some things to say to others about how i write and will have a problem with this. They should learn to ask questions instead of assuming or improve their reading comprehension skills. These are forum questions and people speak from their personal experiences.

Tarotable • Oct 2, 2023

I think if "play" happens in a BDSM club of group, you would be in a different frame of mind. I believe that it has a lot to do with being prepared for a scene. As TSG said, there's a physiological (and psychological) impact. It is in essence a natural session involving drugs. People don't usually classify hormones as drugs, but they are, and they do have an impact on us. On some more than others.

In a club environment, you know you're going in for fun. You'll probably go with a friend (not potential play partner but could be). So once the scene is over, you can give a big sigh of satisfaction whether you worked with a Rigger or someone providing impact play for example. You can say "thank you for the awesome time" and move on. When we get personal, there is more involved. Emotions get entangled. So a club or local group would afford a greater opportunity for fun without entanglement.

Now that being said, I have had a few encounters where I had made a friendship online with someone, it was platonic, and we ended up joking, flirting, before we knew it...playing. But I trusted them. They knew my story. I knew theirs. I can't seem to do that as much anymore, but I think that is a trust issue for me and is likely specific to me given that I am demisexual.

Regardless of relationship or club, there should be after care. This helps both parties to recover from the high they've just been on. This is probably more important in the early days until the partners settle in with each other, but I think after care is very important in nurturing the relationship or friendship. If this is just a play partner, they should ease you back to earth and the two of you end in some type of friendly game that may make you laugh and is less personal--providing more distance emotionally. Then you could be prepared to play in the future without worry of entanglement. If both parties want that and work together to foster it, it can be done. It will take honesty and you monitoring your behavior. If you feel a twinge of wanting to get serious, maybe do more funny play time without the intimate element for a few sessions to provide a little buffer. Maybe the two of you could have a code like...It's time to go camping. Or whatever you want to call it that will give a picture of leisure without intimacy. I use camping as an example because it was something a friend of mine and I actually used to describe our play, so that would be in reverse actually, but you get the point. So the phrase could be play time chill time. You'll decide that together. The whole camping theme just kind of happened for us because we were both silly like that. Maybe you can kind find something similar with a potential play partner if that is what you're desiring.

I hope you find what you're looking for. I am rooting for you!

Forgive any typos. I have tired to catch them all but my phone is stupid!