First meeting

First meeting

silentnotes​(sub female){Looking } • Oct 14, 2023

I´m fairly new to BDSM and the expirences I´ve had so far aren´t really good. I´m meeting up with a potential new dom and my question is, what are some things I should specifically look out for?
I am aware that I could miss things easily, especially being in a new situation so I just wanted to ask is any of you maybe had some tips.

Thank you

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Oct 14, 2023

I assume you are talking about a first time real meet. Face to face kind of thing.

Always do that in a public place. Coffeeshops are a great place to do it. You will learn all kinds of things about him over the rim of steaming mug. In reality, this should happen 3 or 4 times before you move on to other things.

During your conversation, see what he talks about. Does he stick to D/s subjects, or does he also talk about vanilla things? Like any other relationship, see if his viewpoints on a variety of things. Do they match yours? Are they close or polar opposites?

Even though you are meeting in a public place, have a safe call set up. Don't be afraid to do it in front of him. He shouldn't mind, if he does, then get out as safe as you can.

The main thing is not to play on a first date. No matter what your hormones say.

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Oct 14, 2023

What TD said.

But, mostly, trust your gut. How does he feel to you?

I've had first meets where the online/phone has felt good. But the minute we meet, no. Not to do with physical attraction. To do with his energy, his... Aura... If you like.

I've also had first meets where I've said beforehand, 'no play, I don't do that/am not comfortable/am not ready' but then have done. All because of how he feels. (but never restraint)

Early on, I didn't and wouldn't have. And I made damn sure he knew I had safety calls, usually my husband, and was not afraid to make that call in front of the man. And to say I'd call again at x time. Sometimes doesn't hurt to have your safe call call you too.

LordofPain56 • Oct 15, 2023

IMO, first meeting should occur in a public place like a park or restaurant, coffee shop, or somewhere that you can converse without having to battle noise around you. So Concerts and events like that where people are crowded and noisy are not good places to meet at first. The object is to get to know their personality, habits, beliefs and lifestyle at first. Later you can move on to more intimate things like a persons living arrangement, general financial status, employment history and plans for the future. Try to get a sense of the persons stability. Hopefully you've already established that he is single, does not have a girlfriend and doesn't run a secret harem somewhere.
It is in these conversations that you may be able to determine compatibility, but what I always suggest is that each prospective partner have a personal inventory of their character traits (good and bad) ready to submit to the other. That can go a long way in saving some grief if both are honest in their lists.

AlphaByDesign​(dom male) • Oct 15, 2023

Trust your gut. If your fight or flight system kicks in, run away as fast as you can. Your safety always comes first and is your biggest priority.
Try and meet in a public place and consider brining a friend that can observe from a safe distance and maybe have some preplanned hand signals in place to run interference.

Notely • Oct 15, 2023

Should cam and voice in mannerly both ways before meeting on an app that safe as discord or telegram don't give them your number yet til after you meet a few times.  Go by vibe. They treat you well and support you to make you feel calm, not a headache. That willing to get to know you in your mind and soul not all sexed up they need to be emotionally invested before getting hooked. You need to see if thier a connection that you block click on the same page.  Go by blueprints effect being shown not sweet words.  You can say something they can say they are into it but not really saying or putting in effect someone can say they are into it that is just a lazy way to sweet talk crap that it's not the same.  Meet in public in daylight, take a friend or relative to be safe. They should meet you at a cafe, never go to their house the first time or the car they need to meet you a few times before it can become more of a relationship. Really the last thing this more like courting after you gotta see how the connection will be more.  If they push you to do things like sex all the time they are not the one they should be willing to take you out, show you off, go bowling or go on walk.  Submission is earned as submissive does mean your weak means your strong rise speaks up. Have a say that things have to be agreed they need to win your over earn it not just given they should be trying to take it right away. Have consent, have a bit of standards, learn to say no when you need to say yes to things if they treat you well. Don't do things just because this guy does things if your feelings are the same no soul click wish them the best go on your way. Never settle for anything less. If you grow the feelings you both want to do more practice safe sex both get tested std free. Train yourself what you like and don't like should be soft. They need to tease you to do more with romance before anything. Practice safe words when you need to stop, they are willing to do after care.  If they are not willing to be safe, do aftercare and walk away. takes a good year to get to know someone who does not move in right away fine to stay over. It takes two years even to be engaged. If you're only one for one then be upfront you only want one person nothing should be forced. Need communication and trust with bonds. They need to talk to you and have time with you, not just sex all the time. Their job should be taking your hand, lead the way, help you grow and show you teach you not try to change you but grow into more in D/s. They want you, they need to prove they are grown and safe, have it together and only want one. 

Notely • Oct 15, 2023

Also do a background check look them up on social media see what they really doing if they on insta and acting douchie then be done.

After few meetings if they been safe in public have them cam thier whole house so know they not married or hiding anyone if they can't do that you know what to do. If might be strict but you wanna know what your getting in to and that your safe.
If they keep making exuses why they can't meet then they have someone allready because person wants you they will make he time meet you not do this.

Miki​(masochist female) • Oct 20, 2023

The coffee shop/park/other very public place is a given.

As for what to look out for.. Well it varies and applies to all first-meets BDSM or not--- or even a potential business contact for that matter.

As a matter of fact, though you're meeting up for the purpose of seeing if there is any BDSM chemistry, leave the kink talk for any potential future get-togethers.

Actually meet up as often as you both like but also yack it up on the phone (yeah who talks on the phone any more?) --- But when it comes to this, text-based interactions are too impersonal if that were me (and if I were able to talk on the phone) Talk to the guy on the phone, often enough to show interest but not so much so as to be a pain in the ass. --- and that goes both ways--

The point is, good solid "get acquainted" stuff.

As for warning signs.. a potential dom who wants to get busy that same day/night. That could be a sign of superficial intent on his part.

"Too Fast Won't Last"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As for more serious things like the dick is sick and might be up to doing harm. The risk is minimal but it only takes one asshole to stink up your life--- at the very least.

Well, this has already been covered but bears repeating. Trust your gut. If you get bad vibes, make it a short situation and find a reason to take a hike.

It could be a look on the guy's face, shifty eyes, nervous ticks, and odd statements.

Everyone watches out for that crap-- Conversely be on the look out with the silver-tongued snake who seems to say all the right things--- too much.

You'll know that when you see it.

But bear in mind, even the sharpest-looking dudes might not be too swift with "getting acquainted" so just because a guy might act all clumsy and nervous doesn't mean he's bad.


But most important of all, you're going to run into "the wrong guy" fairly often. Just don't run into a sicko.

A third wheel isn't a bad idea, or a double date kind of thing. Any creep would hesitate to do harm in those scenarios.


.....and this is a fucking windy post, sorry...

Time is your friend.

Anyone can act all friendly, give off the great vibes and look like a million bucks---but a dirt-bag cannot keep up the facade too long. Sooner or later the other side (beyond "just human")comes out.

Best of Luck.

silentnotes​(sub female){Looking } • Oct 21, 2023

Thank you all for your replies, they really helped me.

Sasa​(dom female) • Oct 21, 2023

Take it slow, trust needs time. Watch out for any red flags like putting pressure on you. This is not a God... He is simply a man who could be next to all other things he is, also be a dom. Meet at eye level and talk. Your guts will know.
Hope you tell a friend where you are and why and let them check you are ok. Also if you don't call back after (time) they call you and or take action

Good luck