Changing Kink Desires

Changing Kink Desires

lambsone • Jul 22, 2024

Have your kink desires and expressions changed over the years? Do you desire anything different now than you did at first? What changed for you and in what ways did it change?

MeraMera​(sub male) • Jul 22, 2024

I want to say this in case others might feel this way. 

When I began my journey into kink, I thought I was a bad person–like a derelict or perverted soul. See, I had all these cravings even when growing through the era where I was heavily involved in bible studies and church and even in a house that was very vanilla. I was just curious after all. I wanted to peek into the femininity world as a young man (mainly because it seemed so fun. And, for some reason, it excited me and made me feel desirable in the mirror with lipstick, a skirt, hosiery, or heels on).

When we are asked later on in years by Dommes and Doms, "What turns you on, what are your fetishes, what are your kinks. what are your boundaries" it hadn't always been easy to admit upfront. But after several purchase and purge phases (expensive too!), after the years of hiding in a vanilla relationship–that stings.

I think as cultural influence changes and social movements grow, it will be easier to come to terms with my kinks. Those questions had always been tough ones to answer in the past. But now, much easier are the ones of, "Do you want to suck cock? Do you want to be feminized? Do you like pegging? Are you into bondage? Do you enjoy being gagged and humiliated without being able to reject?"

I have indeed grown more cerebral in my kinks, but I don't think the kink itself changed. I think I now just come from a place of knowing how to articulate the feeling or desire and classify it as a kink.

It took me many years of answering this in my head and mulling over, "Am I gay? Am I a mental case? What in the world am I thinking?" etc... What I soon realized is that I always associate my kinks with sin or feeling like something bad is going to happen or that my (then wife) or my partners after, would say or worse, do. That people wouldn't understand. 

When I discovered the terms demisexual and pansexual they changed my understanding that the rules are not there for me to be governed by. I don't have to subscribe to "theater" to be involved in kink or enjoy a fetish. I can enjoy it the way I want. Anyone can. Any partners can. We don't have to follow a patterned way of thinking that we often see in the BDSM facets. Some oddities are there, yes, some rules/and stereotypes are fun (the submissive on their knees and Dominant with a whip or crop/cane, etc..) but not a rule for everyone. I think it is this type of established "rule or design" thinking that generally craters any attempt for a spouse to reveal to their spouse that they have a kink. And, now, thankfully, I have learned that the vending machine is typically out of order more and more as I progress in my kink maturity. it also makes it so much easier to say, "some will, some won't, so what." Not everyone is for everyone–especially when it comes to the same kinky desires.

It wasn't until many years later after my father passed and I had found some shit, that many people have these hidden deep-seated desires. Even the man I thought was the most manly man ever had toys, clothing, and notes in his possession in boxes I found. Swinging booklets from the 70s, gay porn, straight porn. It's what you enjoy, not necessarily what you appear to be. 

To distress a bit and then I will get to a close...It's funny to me that my biggest fear was that when I die someday someone will find all my things and know the truths. (Oddly we aren't going to give a shit, but the point is that it haunted me) So much so that when I would go on a trip out of the house for long periods I would delete and remove the kink breadcrumbs from my life. 

Many years later, I learned more about how my kink desires weren't going anywhere and that I couldn't just turn them off; I learned how to cope with the damage I inflicted on myself by thinking my desires weren't okay–that I had to dance around them.

Now, I know that I am not alone. A pissing fetish, eating food off a heel, being captive for an extended period, cuckolded, chastity training, corporal punishment -- whatever the fetish/kink is, is yours. It is what makes up your design of how you identify in the community and ether.

It is a shame society has a way of making those who are afraid to explore their needs and kinks, feel unworthy dark edgy, or sick. Hypocritical fear can make many stay shy. I know that I have always been shy of this kinky desire to try on some things, to submit to a man, to find my needs with a Domme, or enjoy my perverted harmless thoughts with others. Because of how I appear vanilla, how I believe spiritually, and that I was raised a good kid. (sorry if you felt the same). Call them what they are; vulnerabilities.

Losing my anonymity has always been a crux to finding my true happiness. Now that I am older I am more open, trusting, and smarter about how I interact and go through a vetting process and meet and greet. 

In closing, I do believe my kinky desires are never changed. Many are likely dormant that I don't realize I have, and the ones I do have are staples of my identity and what I enjoy. I don't think I have ever lost interest in a kink that stayed with me more than once. What piques our interest we should pursue to learn if it fits. This may not be the same for others. There are fetishes and kinks I wish I had explored when I was younger simply because they seem a bit out of place in my life now, but the desire is still there. I think it always will be.

Miki​(masochist female) • Jul 22, 2024

I can only say I lost interest (jaded?) in the physical aspects of this not long before Covid. I still have "naughty thoughts", I still make good use of my toys and butt-plugs regularly, but as of now, I have no desire to go out and physically realize them with others. M or F.

I found that even before I decided to close up shop physically the crap that always runs alongside going out and about, mingling, connecting-- made it less than worth the effort. Combine that with the fact that I was never capable of functioning in any sort of relationship save for my best friend since College--- adds to the "too much of a pain in the ass to bother" effect.

Of course, to the chagrin of a few in here I ran across digitally since I joined, I'm still a member of this site, can usually (but not always) post a meaningful two cents to threads here and there. I still have a freak's mindset, I just do not act on it any more.

Will it change back down the road? "The Possibility Exists" but I wouldn't bet a pile of horseshit, let alone the farm, on it.

I mean, the odds of me putting on the micro mini and fishnets, going out and getting myself laid and then some are a degree better than if I bought a Lotto ticket and win the jackpot next week. Or as the guy said in the Titanic movie--- I'd probably see angels flying out of my ass first.

Steellover​(sub male) • Jul 22, 2024

Like Mera x2 said, I can understand the "Binging and Purging" aspect of being submissive and kinky, and I've talked about this before- "Binging and Purging" meaning, being periodically overcome with guilt and trying to "purge" all kinky desires from my psyche.

The fact is, even on this site, where people tend to be more open-minded about the non-traditional aspects of sexuality, I've been exposed to "kink shaming" from some folks, even from one self-described "female dominant." And please don't interpret that as complaining; people are into what they are into- and they are not into what they are not!

Then, couple that with the lack of mainstream public acceptance and the difficulty of finding a female partner to explore them with (who isn't simply doing it for the purpose of making some easy $ off of you) and I've really, over the years, had to re-think my relationship goals as far as finding "The One" that checks all the boxes.

With that said, no, my kinks have not really changed. The same things that turn me on back when I had my "Sexual awakening" as a submissive, still turn me on now, from the relatively mild stuff to the most wildly and unspeakably taboo. I'd like to think I've grown in other ways; like a lot of guys when they first discover these intense feelings, it is easy to be overcome by them and just jump in and crash and burn so to speak, make some mistakes. Its made me do a lot of self reflection and led, in a round about way, to personal growth and exploration.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Jul 22, 2024

On the gain side: Breath play is something I never thought I would become interested. But after watching various forms, doing research and attending classes, it is something that can be very fun with the right person and the right way.

On the losing interest side: Branding is not something I want to be part of again. While I have never done it to someone, after watching a ceremony and smelling that smell, I have lost my interest.

lambsone • Jul 23, 2024

When I first started in this lifestyle in 1999, I thought it provided the utopia of relationship models. Now I know that no matter what relationship you choose it depends on cooperation from all parties in order to be successful. People are who they are and that's basically not going to change. I had bigger fantasies about how it would work out than my realty turned out to be.

I still basically am primarily interested in the D/s structure, and rope bondage. But now I am curious about things that are a bit more daring such as candle wax, mild electrical play, breath play and a few other things.

I still desire to have a gentle Dominant with some experience under his belt, and who is a gentleman. I feel treasured when I'm interacting with a gentleman Dom.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jul 23, 2024

I think as my life has changed, grown and evolved, my interests have too. I used to love my rope but as time moved on, time frames became more of an issue (I raised three now adult children along side my primary sub. Time is always an issue). I had less time to play in the last few years (covid changed a lot for me) so the way I played needed to grow and evolve too. Funny the kidults left and I haven't reverted fully back.
my interested morphed. I wont say changed as I still love to see a good rigger work and find it hot as hell. My own interested "morphed" from rope to more restraint. I still get to play when there is a time issue, it just happens at faster pace some days. A good friend asked me the other day....so what was the kink or fetish, the rope or the restraint? I still can't answer that. I think both. Maybe the restraint part was always there and just took longer (30 ish years lol) to float to the top!

Bunnie • Jul 23, 2024

“Have your kink desires and expressions changed over the years? Do you desire anything different now than you did at first? What changed for you and in what ways did it change?”

In the context of kink: Yes. My journey has shifted a lot. I have explored a few rabbit holes here and there, beginning with rope. I was a bunny for many years and never imagined life without it, however I have stepped away from it… not because of any bad experiences, I just stopped connecting with it as much as I had originally, and wanted to explore different avenues. The same occurred with masochism. I kind of jumped in the deep end and worked my way backwards lol. Of course, I didn’t know it was the deep end because I didn’t know any different. These days I’m not as drawn to pain as much as I once was… or perhaps in a different way. I’ve let go of many elements of masochism, both physical and emotional. Or perhaps it’s simply no longer as central as it once was.

Looking back now, I can see that a lot of what I was seeking in the early days, was a form of escapism. To feel beyond numbness, to connect beyond the superficial, to find myself and finally allow whatever was there to come to light. There were very few avenues I wasn’t willing to explore. It was amazing and fun and interesting and very revealing. I did find myself. And I realised that I don’t really need to keep all those experiences alive with me anymore. Some of them were more of a means to an end.

Having stepped back from the lifestyle *a lot* I find myself moving along a gentler path at this point in time. Delving deeper into sensuality.
But that’s just part of how it goes. It’s my hope that the adventure and exploration will continue forever, no matter how many times I shed my skin and change directions.

In the context of relationships/dynamics: Yes. Significantly. My path led me down the road into 24/7, TPE, M/s. It was certainly an experience. And one that I realised isn’t for me… at least, not in the traditional, High Protocol sense. Perhaps under different circumstances I may have come away with a different mindset, I don’t know. Everything is a lesson, and I believe it all brings us closer to finding our way, so I trust that I’m where I need to be. Where I go from here, in this regard, I have no idea. I’ve learned to let go of carrying an idea of “how it should look,” and instead realised that it’s about finding the right person to build something beautiful with, together.

MeraMera​(sub male) • Jul 24, 2024

Wanna add, I cant edit/delete my reply post to fix grammar and spelling errors. I was in a zone and typin away. Im aware its a fairly involved read and not the easiest to get through. Please read past the errors...