MeraMera(sub male)
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1 month ago •
Jul 22, 2024
1 month ago •
Jul 22, 2024
I want to say this in case others might feel this way.
When I began my journey into kink, I thought I was a bad person–like a derelict or perverted soul. See, I had all these cravings even when growing through the era where I was heavily involved in bible studies and church and even in a house that was very vanilla. I was just curious after all. I wanted to peek into the femininity world as a young man (mainly because it seemed so fun. And, for some reason, it excited me and made me feel desirable in the mirror with lipstick, a skirt, hosiery, or heels on).
When we are asked later on in years by Dommes and Doms, "What turns you on, what are your fetishes, what are your kinks. what are your boundaries" it hadn't always been easy to admit upfront. But after several purchase and purge phases (expensive too!), after the years of hiding in a vanilla relationship–that stings.
I think as cultural influence changes and social movements grow, it will be easier to come to terms with my kinks. Those questions had always been tough ones to answer in the past. But now, much easier are the ones of, "Do you want to suck cock? Do you want to be feminized? Do you like pegging? Are you into bondage? Do you enjoy being gagged and humiliated without being able to reject?"
I have indeed grown more cerebral in my kinks, but I don't think the kink itself changed. I think I now just come from a place of knowing how to articulate the feeling or desire and classify it as a kink.
It took me many years of answering this in my head and mulling over, "Am I gay? Am I a mental case? What in the world am I thinking?" etc... What I soon realized is that I always associate my kinks with sin or feeling like something bad is going to happen or that my (then wife) or my partners after, would say or worse, do. That people wouldn't understand.
When I discovered the terms demisexual and pansexual they changed my understanding that the rules are not there for me to be governed by. I don't have to subscribe to "theater" to be involved in kink or enjoy a fetish. I can enjoy it the way I want. Anyone can. Any partners can. We don't have to follow a patterned way of thinking that we often see in the BDSM facets. Some oddities are there, yes, some rules/and stereotypes are fun (the submissive on their knees and Dominant with a whip or crop/cane, etc..) but not a rule for everyone. I think it is this type of established "rule or design" thinking that generally craters any attempt for a spouse to reveal to their spouse that they have a kink. And, now, thankfully, I have learned that the vending machine is typically out of order more and more as I progress in my kink maturity. it also makes it so much easier to say, "some will, some won't, so what." Not everyone is for everyone–especially when it comes to the same kinky desires.
It wasn't until many years later after my father passed and I had found some shit, that many people have these hidden deep-seated desires. Even the man I thought was the most manly man ever had toys, clothing, and notes in his possession in boxes I found. Swinging booklets from the 70s, gay porn, straight porn. It's what you enjoy, not necessarily what you appear to be.
To distress a bit and then I will get to a close...It's funny to me that my biggest fear was that when I die someday someone will find all my things and know the truths. (Oddly we aren't going to give a shit, but the point is that it haunted me) So much so that when I would go on a trip out of the house for long periods I would delete and remove the kink breadcrumbs from my life.
Many years later, I learned more about how my kink desires weren't going anywhere and that I couldn't just turn them off; I learned how to cope with the damage I inflicted on myself by thinking my desires weren't okay–that I had to dance around them.
Now, I know that I am not alone. A pissing fetish, eating food off a heel, being captive for an extended period, cuckolded, chastity training, corporal punishment -- whatever the fetish/kink is, is yours. It is what makes up your design of how you identify in the community and ether.
It is a shame society has a way of making those who are afraid to explore their needs and kinks, feel unworthy dark edgy, or sick. Hypocritical fear can make many stay shy. I know that I have always been shy of this kinky desire to try on some things, to submit to a man, to find my needs with a Domme, or enjoy my perverted harmless thoughts with others. Because of how I appear vanilla, how I believe spiritually, and that I was raised a good kid. (sorry if you felt the same). Call them what they are; vulnerabilities.
Losing my anonymity has always been a crux to finding my true happiness. Now that I am older I am more open, trusting, and smarter about how I interact and go through a vetting process and meet and greet.
In closing, I do believe my kinky desires are never changed. Many are likely dormant that I don't realize I have, and the ones I do have are staples of my identity and what I enjoy. I don't think I have ever lost interest in a kink that stayed with me more than once. What piques our interest we should pursue to learn if it fits. This may not be the same for others. There are fetishes and kinks I wish I had explored when I was younger simply because they seem a bit out of place in my life now, but the desire is still there. I think it always will be.
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