In Need of a Community Voice and Opinion

Fudbar​(dom male)​{❤️❤️❤️} • Nov 26, 2018

Didn't figure you had. That would be the adult responsible thing.

Bunnie • Nov 26, 2018

@ Phanes, I feel your pain in this post. I know you have such a big heart, and understand where you’re coming from. I agree in the aspect that it is our job as a community to try to help and protect people from abuse. That’s why despite the fact that I’ll probably get backlash from posting this... I’m still going to. Because I don’t sit by quietly on the sidelines when faced with the more real aspects of what we do.
If it’s the person I’m thinking of in this situation, I think an important key factor that has been missed, is that he never once pretended to be anything other than what he is. In fact, from memory and countless conversations from when he used to frequent chat, he always stated very clearly in his profile, and verbally, that he was quite brutal, and was looking specifically for someone who was capable of handling that. Is it abuse? I personally made the decision that for me, yes it would be, because I’m not capable of giving him what he needs in that sense. People live and play at all different levels, I can’t honestly say that I’m capable of determining who is right and who is wrong in what they do... if there’s consent involved.
If, however, this isn’t the person that I’m thinking of, then I have no idea about the situation, and hope that it’s not just some form of blind, brutal abuse happening. I’m sorry I can’t offer more. No one deserves to be treated that way without their consent. And it’s always an option to change your mind if you find you’re in over your head. We can support people to decide what they need for themselves, but we can’t make their choices for them. I understand your frustration in this, friend. But she needs not our judgment in her decisions, but our support and love regardless.

Missub​(sub female) • Nov 26, 2018

Hello everyone. I am who Phanes is talking about. I have confided in him the struggles I’ve had with my Daddy/Dom/Master. It’s been quite a rollercoaster and we’ve had both good and bad times (like any relationship). We are currently going through a bad time. He is a sadist and He has never been shy about this fact about Himself. I have always known He is scary but I see past that. He’s always made sure I know what He needs from me and has been pretty explicit about those needs. I did not go into this relationship blind. I know He’s intense (admittedly way more intense than I can handle at the moment) but He also has a side that most haven’t ever seen. My limits were discussed and agreed upon but I took it upon myself to experience a couple of them. It was my decision...not His. I wanted to try them. Our first weekend was a disaster because I got scared and went into hiding. Our recent weekend was a rollercoaster of a ride and I blacked out for most of the time. But He respected my limits and stopped when I asked Him to stop or if He saw I couldn’t anymore. Though my mind blacked out completely, my body was awake, and though I don’t remember the things He says happened...I believe Him when He tells me He stopped because I did not have any marks on my body. The only marks I left with that weekend were the ones He gave me on our last day when I asked Him to try again. I was awake and 100% aware the entire time. He also stopped when I couldn’t take any more. He took care of me after both sessions. I remember Him carrying me to bed one of the nights my mind blacked out. He held me when I couldn’t stand on my own. He woke me up when He saw I was having a nightmare and held me. He even bought me a comfort item (a huge teddy bear) to help with my anxiety. He is not this monster that everyone thinks He is. Even He Himself tells me He’s a monster. But I tell Him He isn’t. He’s angry and frustrated and has little patience and He might’ve forgotten what it is to be truly loved or how to love back...but He is NOT a monster. Behind all this darkness that has accumulated throughout His life...I see light!! And THAT is what I hold on to. When I started my journey in this lifestyle in January, I did not ever in my wildest dreams imagine I’d fall in love with a sadist...someone like Him. His profile alone made me run for the hills when I read it. It honestly scared the living crap out of me!! But my heart saw something else. My soul saw more. I will tell all of you what I always tell Him...I didn’t choose to fall in love with Him...but I did. My heart and mind and soul belong to Him. I had no say in that. The only thing left for Him to take completely is my body. Unfortunately, my body can’t handle all of Him at once at this moment. But if He still wants me and is willing to teach me and be a bit more patient with me...I know I can be everything He’s ever needed. I am not blind or brainwashed. I am not being held hostage or made to stay by force. I know that things with Him are not the best right now but He isn’t manipulating me to stay. I stay because it is my choice. Because I know we can be something great! Though I suffer greatly from the our extremely limited communication...I understand He needs a bit of distance. Yes, it hurts tremendously when I go days without hearing from Him. But I understand He’s also going through something with all of this. I ask patience of Him...it’s only fair I give Him the same. My days used to start and end with Him...and I miss that very much...but I am not going to lose hope that we'll get back on track again. I love Him. I won’t give up on Him. I will show Him that He is worth all this suffering. Because He is to me. Even if nobody understands it. I do appreciate everyone’s concerns but I am not being abused or forced to stay in this relationship.

Phanes​(dom male) • Nov 26, 2018

Ok Leo, I will take this time and extend My apologies for what it worth. No I didnt inquiries with you and it was a one sided story I had heard for over a month. My intentions were meant to protect a friend who has come to Me over this period of time struggling with herself and trying to make sense of it. When I make a mistake I own up to it!! In this case, I did make one by not coming to you to discuss the facts of what I was hearing. I reacted as I did because I had no reason not to believe what I was being told and as you mentioned, I have gone through the ringer in dealing with this subject and am very sensitive and protective of those who seem to find themselves looking for answers and help in understanding what is happening to them!

Again, I do apologize for not taking the time to speak with you.

This is a serious subject that many live through and one that cant get enough discussions about. However, where one person who may see things as abuse; another person believe it life. It's very hard to distinguish between the two without knowing all the facts first. I failed in that today.

I ask the powers to be to remove this forum; for I was wrong to post it without knowing all the facts to this situation. Thank you along with My apologies to all concerned.

WickedLeo​(sadist male)​{F.E.A.R} • Nov 26, 2018

phanes i wasnt upset i just wanted a side.. i knew why you did, that why i stated that i respected you... and if it was true abuse.. i would be right there with you.. consent is everything.. thank you and i accept you apology... no problem..

honeyswhore​{Callie} • Nov 26, 2018

There are many sides to any story, as a good friend of mine as made clear to me in my troubles. I agree with, Leo, that this is an ostracization attempt based on vigilantism. Did the ‘offended’ sub ask you to intervene on her behalf? If not, you are out of line. This is bullying and judgementmentslism...plain and simple, and we see too much of it here. If you wish to aid your friend, provide her support and let her make decisions on her behalf. As many have pointed out, your interference won’t cause these circumstances change; your benevolent support, on the other hand, may.

KittySunflower​(sub female) • Nov 26, 2018

Wow... What a twist and turn.
This is why sharing personal life with someone needs to be clear. Crystal clear.
It's good to seek support but when doing it know what you're asking for. Be clear about what you do or don't want to have shared and Don't leave room for misinterpretation.

To each his own with BDSM. I know I won't go back to that type of relationship and we all have a choice and if said choice is not what you want then move on if it is then stay with it and don't complain behind the curtain if all is good. We all have up and downs and the downs need to be discussed with our partner(s) not others.

MasterBear​(kinky butch) • Nov 26, 2018

I am enjoying this thread so much.

The give and take is critical.



I dont know these ppl or this situation.
I AM NOT saying that there is/isn't abuse in this situation .



I will only speak to myself and what I do.


I am victim centric.


I support the person through the abuse then offer a place to be when it's a over.
**********This is for both sides of the whip.*********
So that the person knows that they have a home/comunity once the relationship is over.

Thank you everyone for speaking.

I find this thread highly validating.

MasterBear​(kinky butch) • Nov 26, 2018

This reminds me.

A few years ago we were talking with this submissive who was in a very abusive marriage. And I stopped dead in my tracks when we were asking her about her marriage that even she considered abusive. And her answer was" if I leave him I'm going to find somebody else just like him".

That will forever be a part of what I feel about abusive relationships in the community.


We have a person here who is considered an abusive Master. But when you look at what the submissives that are with this person do after they leave that relationship you quickly begin to see a pattern of bad to worse to worse.


I'm not saying that this m
Master isn't abusive. What I am saying is it something about this Master draws a certain type of submissive.

Miki • Nov 26, 2018

I had a long, windy reply to this but I saw that the "Miss" in the situation spoke up.

It is critical to know that there are differences between a Sub and a Masochist just like a Dom vs a Sadist.

I am a masochist. I know what I get myself into with that classification. I like it. Helps me get my thrills.

Key point, limits and safe words must always be respected. If they are, well then there is no issue.

As for humiliation and put downs it is part of what gets me off as a masochist.

I don't expect anyone, let alone "normal folks" to understand what makes me tick. It is NOT the result of a painful past. I'm just wired in a twisted way.

One thing though I have no issues with "love". I am not in this for love, just sexual gratification on a level higher than just getting boinked. (Although that's great, too. Just none are allowed to develop feelings for me.)

Other than that no one should be kicked out unless they advertise one thing and turn out to be a horror show.

My 2 cents.