What if your two worlds collide?

What if your two worlds collide?

Liliac​(sub female) • Jan 13, 2019

Hi there.
It's been a long time since I was active in this site or anything regarding bdsm that I feel ridiculous even asking this question.
But I have a very curious question.

Do you guys keep bdsm as an open practice in your life? Or do you keep bdsm apart from your vanilla world?

Now. I know it's a very confusing question. I came from a very conservative family whose beliefs are very traditional. Birds and bees talks were not common. The society I live in now is also very conservative and close minded if I must say so.
So one of my fears is exposing myself. I know people would say you have to live your own life, fuck them etc etc, but in practicality, you still have to have those people in your life to survive.

So what I want to know is, What precautions do you take to keep your life private? How have you prepared yourself if there is a possibility of you being exposed?

Please bear with me for the long post. My thoughts are all over the place.

Misanthrope • Jan 13, 2019

Hi lillac.

While I don't run around talking about the lifestyle at work, and I wouldn't talk about a vanilla sexual life at work either, I don't try to hide it. If some asks, I'm upfront and honest about it. And as I have the same profile pic on here as I do in my professional profile page, it's pretty easy to find me in real life also. I have enough to worry about on a daily basis that trying to hide things just isn't a good use of my time.

Zaramia​(dom female) • Jan 13, 2019

My personal experience is that the friends who are "in the scene", or "in the Professional life", are all fairly grown up, and we all handle the chance meeting in a whole other place and dimension in a pretty clean manner.

It happens - I have a "familiar" face, so do most people, at least to someone. I am fortunate that I have done a lot of public speaking, and have been in the newspaper, etc, pretty frequently in random events, os I can cover easily when that whole "Have we met somewhere??" "No, really, I am SURE I know you!!", conversation happens. Generally, the minute we get to the moment of recognition, we both go right back to whatever could have been the plausible connection prior to kink - Whether that's probably saw me in a post about something or a paper, or whatever, or maybe I attended a lecture they gave. yeah.

When the boardroom meets the bedroom, just be prepared with a list of the things that you could have in common with anyone, and it's not a big deal. They probably are not looking to out their kink any more than you are at the convention of whatever non kinky career you are in. run practice interactions if you need to with friends who know you are trying to avoid embarrassment when you do or do not recognize someone in a social or professional setting - they don't have to know why you might be embarrassed.
my opinion

starlightsss • Jan 13, 2019

Hi,
I keep bdsm a secret to those close around me because I’ve been brought up in semi-traditional household and neighborhood. I find that I have to keep my bdsm life kind of separate from my vanilla life. In the past, I’ve tried to introduce kink into a vanilla relationship and it didn’t work out too well.
I have only one friend who knows but they don’t really make me feel super open about it so I keep a lid on it.
If someone close to me where to ask about it, I wouldn’t outright lie but I’d downplay the truth because, like you said, you still have to have these people in your life to survive.
It does suck though, not being able to be 100% honest about it.

Kara​(sub female){Dark Roast} • Jan 13, 2019

I live with my master. We don’t compartmentalize who we are, but it’s not the business of anyone what we do. He introduces me to people as his girlfriend because I am. Really, not much to tell. People probably aren’t really going to bat an eyelash about how two obviously happy people in a committed relationship enjoy sex in the privacy of their apartment. Do you really go into details of vanilla sex with those around you ?

If we were ever outed, we would probably just laugh. Honestly, these days people, especially medical professionals, have been desensitized thanks to a certain popular book. You should only run into issues if in a non-monogamous relationship or overtly dynamic in public.

Re: What if your two worlds collide?

dollMaker​(dom male) • Jan 13, 2019

Well I am who I am in both worlds, as I am me always, but I do keep what I do private from family, vanilla interests and work. I do have a few vanilla friends I trust who know a bit about who I am in this world, but I don't share everything, and I have vanilla friends who know nothing and will never know.



There are possible legal ramifications and social, employment ones in most countries round the world, and even in some countries the attitudes can be different region to region. BDSM is illegal in whole or in part in most countries, there are very few countries that have made BDSM activity legal, Germany has a relaxed attitude to BDSM re the law, as does Austria to a degree, but other countries are much stricter on this and you know what way your country views issues such as sex and morality. Even in countries where the law is friendly towards BDSM, certain jobs might have a moral code re employee behaviour, with being sacked a consequence if outed. I know for a fact if outed I would be sacked. Some work places would be less concerned, or not care at all.

I think it a sad fact that kink isn't legal, but the LGBT community is still fighting for their rights still and I suspect it will be awhile before BDSM comes close to where the LGBT community have got currently. Governments feel they must protect their citizens from hurting themselves, so I think progress regarding BDSM, much of which involves hurting for pleasure, will take awhile. Many don't even recognise BDSM as being part of ones sexuality, rather than a preference. I suppose some progress has been made in regards to BDSM not being considered a mental illness by health professionals these days, though some still consider BDSM a paraphilia which still has at least one foot in the mental illness diagnosis.

You know your own country regarding this and you must look to your understanding regarding this as all the respondents can only refer to their country, community, family regarding what might be accepted or not. Its a complex matter.



I trust very slowly, I do not put my face up on this site, or the net. I try to keep personal information to a minimum on the net in general and more so here. I do not allow my devices to interconnect, thus keeping control of my information, and I do not use a phone for doing what I do. That is asking for trouble. For myself if outed I would loose my job and that could effect future employment, but if after trusting someone they go rogue and do that their isn't much anyone could do. So once again trust very slowly, keep personal information to a minimum, and do not use your phone (no one much is going to listen to that), try to avoid devices connecting, keep everything isolated as much as you can. Obviously service providers know what we are looking at as do search enginees, but there are ways of tightening that up too.

I think for dominants, the damage of being outed is worse, and what activity they do, but I have heard of subs loosing jobs and it impacting on child care arrangements.



Interesting question, no need to apologise.

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Jan 13, 2019

While we do not shove our lifestyle into people's faces, we also do not hide it.

Outside of work due to it not being part of his uniform my husband wears his collar everywhere. It gets some odd looks and, because of the community we are in, some people try to mock us for it, but we just ignore it (Okay... he ignores it, I bite my tongue and then get upset when we are alone because it irks me how many people are so closed-minded haha). In fact he wore it to a marriage retreat we went to that his job paid for, and it allowed us to have an open and informative conversation with people he worked with. That time someone asked about it I was actually pleasantly surprised.

But, outside of the collar and, of course, still being Domme/sub, we dont go out of our way to be like, "LOOK AT US! WE'RE INTO BDSM!!". Our parents dont even know Haha.

Freya369 • Jan 13, 2019

Great question. I am a very private person, and as I went from straight, gay, back to straight and finally settling on bi., and energy wise have the ability to switch between dominance and submission, no,matter what the presenting gender ....well who knows what label should apply, certainly not me!

However, I know, I am a romantically inclined, monogomous, principled person who still prefers to be discreet regarding my private, intimate life. That does not mean, I am adverse to conversing with anyone who is able to discuss sexuality in an educated, rational, truthful way; including family members, friends or random aquaintances, however, if I felt that the person I was speaking with did not have the necessary equilibrium, knowledge and more importantly, the understanding of the subject. I would be more inclined to speak in generalities, as anything deeper would serve no real purpose.

The important thing to remember that there is nothing to be afraid of, except ignorance.

I hope this helps. F

Liliac​(sub female) • Jan 13, 2019

Thank you everyone for patiently answering my question.
I learned a lot reading your replies and I find that it certainly depends on the people you are surrounded with. BDSM is still considered very much "taboo" in many people's eyes and despite the logical explaining behind it, people can still have different opinions.
You all definitely gave me something to think about and ways to protect myself so thank you all for answering. Since there are so many replies, I cannot express gratitude for all of you but know that I do thank you for all the answers.
I wish you all have fun in your respective journeys.
Liliac

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jan 14, 2019

I'm "out" but as someone said in earlier postings, I don't yell it to all but its not hidden either, they said it best. My family family knows (including my children now aged 14,18,22) My friends all know. I don't share details unless asked. Prior employers also knew (I worked in therapy and child welfare, so felt it should be disclosed as I own 'sex' sites) I'm now self employed so the details matter less for employment.

There is 'sex' that is portrayed as 'dirty' and sex that is portrayed as 'loving/binding/romantic' Practicing BDSM is no different....in the end it comes down to how you portray yourself to others and those who matter in your life. I once used analogy that went a little like this.....a drunk hiding in an alley clutching a brown paper bag or a socialite holding a martini glass! Both are more than likely alcoholics but only one will be viewed that way.