Who's chasing who?

Who's chasing who?

acquiesced​(sub male) • Jul 22, 2020

Found an interesting question/answer on Quora, which I will paraphrase here. A woman asks "is it hard to find a submissive husband." I'm specifically putting this in "Dominant Women - Submissive Men" (gender specific) because I think the dynamic is different than Submissive Women - Dominant Men."

The top answer was basically that submissive men don't chase dominant women, doing otherwise would indicate a dominant personality. The answer goes on to say "You are probably waiting on men to approach you and obviously those men are all dominant."

I've been sexually dominant and also in business (entrepreneur) all of my long adult life, until about 7 years ago, and I can identify with this. As a Dom in the kink world, it was fairly straight forward to find what I like, make contact, evaluate, and then go after what I wanted. For reasons both positive and negative, I've given all of that up. I've taken all out of that dynamic that a mortal man should. Now I just want to make one woman happy, however she wants to be made happy.

So now, here I sit, like an ant lion. The old urges of contact are still there, but I hold myself back. The numbers don't help either. No does the default classification of submissive make wannabes and wankers (lack of better words) that are in it for what they want.

I look forward to comments from anyone, but my real question is this. Is being a submissive male the hardest of kink roles in order to find a long term partner?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jul 22, 2020

Not sure my input is desired. i don't qualify in the "gender specific" group of "Domminat Women-Submissive Men," but i do qualify as "anyone," so i'll take that as an "okay."

This intertwines with questions i have had. i've always been gay, but for reasons of religious conditioning (not implying that all religious belief is conditioned, just stating my experience), didn't come to a place of self acceptance until i was 50. i didn't deny my attraction to guys, it just wasn't acceptable in my religious context.

i married a woman, at an early age, and we remain married for 31 years. i love/loved my former wife, though because of her beliefs she considers me 'broken' because i am gay, i don't think she ever was able to love me for who i am. No rancor there, just trying to be matter of fact.

It took me about 38 years to process out of my conditioning (slow learner?), and my relationship with her was a big part of that time period. We had a sex life together. Retrospectively, i now understand that the reason it existed was because the sub part of my nature found a place in serving her. i also understand that two major areas of dysfunction in our relationship had to do with the obvious fact that i'm gay. The other though was the unseen and unacknowledged fact of my sub nature.

i understand now that both my wife and i had primarily sub natures. We were a part of a patriarchal religious culture that assumed that all males are dom and all females sub. She happened to be sub in nature, so that was not something that went against her grain, but for me being gay and sub complicated my then dissonance between who i am and who i was conditioned to believe i should be. Sexually, i was always expected to be 'dom.' i cannot count the number of times where i tried to explain my need to submit to her (not in those terms) and she'd just glaze over. It was too far out of her zone, and probably reinforced her notion that i was 'broken,' and indirectly, reinforced the same notion in me.

Where i am going with this is i believe that, as almost cliche as it's become, 'the patriarchy' is a real thing. That patriarchal notions and influence are ingrained in many of our psyche's, and a lot of that flies under the radar. I.e., we are not even aware of their presence or influence. i think the dynamic of "Dominant Woman-Submissive Man" is doubly fraught with challenge, because both fly in the face of the patriarchal 'norm.'

i proffer that it's as equally or generally hard to be a Dominant Woman as it is to be a submissive man.

Ohio prime​(switch male) • Jul 22, 2020

If we could all just have t-shirts made saying what we were and want we wanted the world would be much happier. I know I would be

Re: Who's chasing who?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jul 23, 2020

the dynamic is VERY different when finding partners that fall into F./mf. BDSM, Femdom, FLR or any of the other branches of mixed BDSM

You only need to look at the numbers to see one small aspect of difference from Maledom to Femdom or that of mixed BDSM. The general number go a little like this male sensation junkies and kinky make the largest numbers (throw in here the HNG and the double dippers just wanting a little on the side of their vanilla union), then you'd have the only bedroom sexual submissive, all stops at the door. Next would be the service subs (some not wanting a BDSM component others wanting slavery or %)and last those that are maso based and chasing a more BDSM based union. I know I've forgotten a lot more too but i'm trying to save on the wall of words

Some where in that mix is those that only want FLR often NOT containing any BDSM activity, let alone sexual (piv) exchange.

Then if you find the match on the type, you then need matching or complimentary interests in BDSM/FLR and life in general, online or face to face, play parties only, then add the poly component..and yeah your head spins! oh forgot age and baggage in there too LOL I didn't even touch on the male need to appear big, bigger and better than the competition by self applying a label that often doesn't suit the contents (sorry I know your not soup cans but I'm trying to not write a novel). Dominant women spend so much time sorting through the B.S that goes with that last subset (no pun intended), it is a little of a sore point for me and most Dommes that are looking. If I had a dollar for every male labeling himself "slave" that only just ticks the columns as sexual bottom or switch, I'd be loaded!...but that's not the topic! I digress.



Sorry I disagree with this. While it would make sense that it works like your model, it actually doesn't! Dommes are still women. They are seeking to reverse roles but often not genders! Don't ever confuse gender roles and sexuality roles, if your unsure ASK. More often than not, they(Dommes) still want to be treated just like any vanilla woman with some aspects of relationship building. If they are looking for a 24/7, life partner , styled relationship chances are they still want to be..for lack of a better term ..to be woed and romanced..chased and made to feel sexy and wanted, needed and desired. You have to at least garner her attentions so the power exchange can begin. Most Dominants love a good game of cat and mouse, over door mat unreactive. If her kink is power exchange, you have to show something she can take! Chances are she also wants a man to be a man and to be proactive in looking for her too. The dating game doesn't really change just because she is Dominant.
by using the model you provided, its like saying all vanilla men are dominant in perusal vanilla woman! Your forgetting personality traits and painting every personal trait, with a D/s brush..that doesn't work in the real world since d/s and life are often more blended.

I mentioned numbers above, I'll use the a general term "submissive" for all "males" looking. If a"submissive" doesn't become a proactive submissive in the search, by being involved in the community (both online and off) he'll be left behind. Why? female Dominants are a limited resource, a Domme that matches the submissive needs, desires and life core values is almost an endangered species! When she does come online looking for, what ever level or percentage of submission she is looking for her inbox will light up with little to no effort from her (other than opening a profile and filling out some basic details) **IF** you don't become a proactive seeker and sit and await and take a reactive stance...well! you'll need a chair, possibly a bed and supplies for the long haul because you will never get the chance to become to reactive to her needs/desires! To succeed, you need to stand out for all the right reasons or you simply wont get noticed in the massively high numbers of men "seeking a partner"

like myself (a semi looking poly Femdom only female Dominant) there are older Dominants still batting off the attentions of 20 somethings right up to 80 year olds offering all levels and percentages of service. Even with the female dominant or FLR Lady not looking her inbox is still full with those vying for her attentions......those "reactive" males are whom, more often than not, end up on her radar FIRST. chances are she will find her match before she even gets to look around....

I also want to add here.....why is so many man that self label as "submissive" believe that submission is a reactive activity?. ...guys you don't just sit an wait for anything (orders, to be found etc) you will be required by just about EVERY Domme (looking for 24/7) to be proactive in your submission. Life isn't a porno, she wont be always ordering you about. Some times you need be submissive without it!

Re: Who's chasing who?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jul 23, 2020

I forgot in my prior ramble to say, I'd place one of my subs left testi on the bet, that "most" of the answers making up the majority of replies are from either "still looking submissives" (using the general term of submissive again) AKA as answered by primarily "men" ..most of which have no actual real life experience or a porn'afied view of D/s life in a 24/7 setting. Its easy with that lopsided view for this myth to appear the normal.

Men make up the larger number in "online" numbers (when it comes to strictly Femdom only) so more often than not the "advice" or what seems to be "public opinion" is because the female voice is drowned out as it is so low in numbers (Femdom numbers are low everywhere, not just this site! In fact this site seems to have more active Female, Femdom ONLY dominants. A fact management should be very proud)

Knightsundere​(sub male) • Jul 23, 2020

Bonnie covered pretty much all of the bases. This discussion comes up every so often though, or at least similar versions do, and the answer to your last question is a resounding yes. It's the most disbalanced dynamic of those in the kink community, by a long shot. MAYBE it could be argued that trans MTF subs have a harder time. Anyways, I did a count earlier in the year -

Since the start of 2020, 121 male subs have joined the site.
They are matched by 19 female dommes. [circa February 6th, 2020]

You do just have to stand out to have a chance, even if it's not in your personality to be so forward. I really wish they'd get rid of the Premium requirements on private messages to make that easier, though on the other hand it's probably the most popular reason for purchasing the subscription..

acquiesced​(sub male) • Jul 23, 2020

Great replies and I will have to read MissBonnie's words a few more times to get them to sink in. This is all still relatively new to me so I am learning.

acquiesced​(sub male) • Jul 23, 2020

Knightsundere the numbers are pretty dismal. When I first signed up I was encouraged that the developer of this site is a sub male, and his assistant (staff) is a Domme female. Now those are rare odds!

emeX​(sub male) • Aug 25, 2020

"submissive men don't chase dominant women, doing otherwise would indicate a dominant personality."

Ridiculous.

Respectfully approaching a Domme and offering your submission is a Dominant position? Since when.

i think the problem here is the word "chase" which is perceived as an aggressive act. i would rather replace it with the word 'offer'. When you offer something, it gives power over (to the Domme in this case) to accept or reject.


"Is being a submissive male the hardest of kink roles in order to find a long term partner?"

Not any "harder" than any other role i don't think. Some would argue that there are 100 s-types to every 1 Domme. Maybe so. But of that 100 how many are 'true' or 'worthy'...almost none...so it evens out. Just ask any Domme.

hank submissive male​(sub male) • Aug 25, 2020

I think it is safe to say it is a Domme"s market there are more subs looking but I do think it is a complex question because we both want specific things in the person we are looking for here . I know what I want in a Domme but I know if I answer an ad I have to meet their qualifications as well. So it is tough finding that middle ground