How can you get someone to see that what you need and want is not Vanilla

How can you get someone to see that what you need and want i

wicked sabina{Taken} • Sep 8, 2020

I am married and have been curious about the lifestyle most of my adult life. Trying bondage and spankings a couple time Loved it. Now i want to try more with restraints floggers and explore my submission. My husband is reluctant . yes he has tried flogger but only lightly for 4 maybe 5 strikes and a couple times hard enough to sting really good. He hears my moans and sees how i respond but never gives me more. When he uses his body to hold me down while he takes my ass. I love it and he drives me crazy but wont use restraints on me even though i have them and love wearing them. He talks about sharing me with some one else but it never goes further. Any advice on how i can get him to take it further and be more open to trying more and exploring more of my submission

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Sep 8, 2020

It is difficult to make someone into a Dom as most of us are genuinely built this way !

Engage him in a deeper level of conversation explain your needs desires wants!
Teach him not to interpret your moans and cries as encouragement!
See if you can get him to a munch there are regular ones online, let him see it’s ok to be like this !
Explain that this comes from deep in your soul !

There are no set rules you should both craft your relationship your way !

Bunnie • Sep 8, 2020

Bring him here. Show him your profile. Share with him how you explain yourself to strangers. Show him what it is you desire... do you know what you desire? Can you explain it to him clearly?
Sometimes our communication can become complacent within a vanilla marriage.

**Ask him what he wants**

If it’s not just about creating a checklist to have someone “do things” to you, and is about connection... and becoming *his* submissive... it’s necessary to learn to become comfortable with sharing your vulnerability with him. That takes a lot of effort on your part... and a lot of work together. Transparency and listening to each other.

LordofPain56 • Sep 9, 2020

I hate to make a comparison between something that happened to me and what is happening to you, because I think it might make you sad when you read the concluding summary.

I've told this story before somewhere in the forums, so I'm gonna rush thru it as briefly as I can.
Some decades ago, I ran across a girl that wanted to go out with me. I told her right off the bat that I was a sadistic dominant, and that I would tie her up, spank her and whip her for fun. I won't get into her reaction here, but she agreed to it and after the first night, I knew she was a natural born submissive (although she never knew that about herself). She returned several more times afterward over about a year.
Your husband is not a natural Dom, and I don't know if it is possible to teach a vanilla how to be a Dom. It seems he may go thru the motions a few times but may fear that he may cause injury, may cause damage to the relationship, may feel his soul is not into it and may feel uncomfortable with it.
Summary: She was a natural sub, but didn't know it. The more I taught her, the hungrier she got for more. You've tried with your husband and he ain't feelin it.
Hopefully you both can work something out that is satisfying to you AND doesn't cause him the concerns he is dealing with.

Redmage​(dom male) • Sep 12, 2020

I am sorry, I cannot help but notice that all of the replies have failed to mention this aspect.
She is the Dom in the scene she described. We used to call it Domming from the bottom.

There are some unexplored areas here. I don't think that real progress will happen until more is understood. The thing I am sure of is that he is submissive. The question is how submissive is she. Obviously she has more Dominant tendencies than he does. It is possible that she is only on the cusp of submission making her a natural Switch. Correct me if I am wrong but Switches when being Dominated have much more intense sessions than the 24/7 submissive.

I am interested to hear the impending responses.

J.M.Rott(Dom)

KinkySilverfox​(dom male) • Sep 12, 2020

I agree with Mr.Redmage, this sounds like domming from the bottom. Certainly nothing wrong with this, but it does add a complexity to the situation that Wicked Sabina may not have been aware of. It could be as simple as telling (rather than asking) her husband (whilst offering reassurance that it is consensual and wanted) to do as required, but that is a very hopeful and simplistic possibility.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Sep 12, 2020

idk, but i am taking wicked sabina's self perception of being submissive at face value. i don't get the feel that wicked sabina is "domming from the bottom," or that she would even want to? my read is she is wishing her husband would take more initiative and that she wouldn't have to ask or tell him what to do? Maybe she will answer and fill in more space. And i do agree, no harm or foul either way, i just do not read her as "domme."

One of the emotional/psychological challenges i have as a sub is sharing specific kinky needs with a Dom/Top. There's a part of me that wishes He just knew because i do not want to even put ideas into His head, i want Him to fully want what He is doing. It can be emotionally conflicting as a sub to tell my Dom what i want and need.

i'm not convinced that the husband in this case has no dom in him, idk? i'm also not convinced he is sub. His hesitation could also be a mark of dom nature. Perhaps he just doesn't have those specific kinks?

Who's idea is it for him to take you anally? If He gets turned on by penetrating your ass, He may get into enema, fisting, plugs, toys.... all possibilities for D/s. Maybe he just doesn't lean towards sadism? Perhaps broaden the range of kinks to select from?

Island girl​(sub female){Yes owned.} • Sep 12, 2020

At some point it will have to come down to communication. You two will have to talk this out as equals. You have no contract, you have no power exchange agreement and you do yourself a disservice if you make that assumption going into negotiations which is what this needs to be. The relationship is about both of you being happy as well, not just him getting his rocks off.

Now, if he is a dominant and chooses to take that role and both of you have agreed to the parameters of that relationship, then that is an entirely different story. Most of us think in terms of this paradigm because it is what we are used to. That isn't where you are now.

You must negotiate and speak as an equal and get all this out on the table. Then you can finally figure out where to go from there.

Good luck

wicked sabina{Taken} • Sep 12, 2020

I have read all of your thoughts on here. I thank you for taking the time. To answer some questions im a bedroim submissive. Out of the bedroom i have to have some much focus and control. With my job as a nurse its the only way i can care for those in my care. When im in the bedroom i dont want to be in control of what happens. It seems to be the one place where i can let go . i dont think im topping from the bottom atleast that is what i hope im not doing. My husband is the one who introduced me to anal and toy play. With the occassional spanking during this. I have loved that. When he is holding me down with his body i am in heaven. I have talked to him opening about things that interest me such as the flogger and he tries it. He says he enjoys my responses to this but he always goes lightly not pushing my limits to see how i handle more intense strikes. I know he wants to have someone else join us in the bedroom. The thouggt of someone fucking me while he watches excites him alot. I am starting to understand that though he is shows restraint he is more of a sensational or soft dom who like using toys plugs and light spankings. I am ok with that just every once in awhile a nice hard spanking for being mouthy would be nice. I love him to the moon and back he has brought me from a very dark place after a previous abusive relationship. He has brought light into my life again.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Sep 13, 2020

" I have talked to him opening about things that interest me such as the flogger and he tries it. He says he enjoys my responses to this but he always goes lightly not pushing my limits to see how i handle more intense strikes."

Hoping you don't mind a Domme answering in a Dom section. My apologies if you do.

good on you talking out your needs the more you open up the easier it will be for him.

Have you though of using either a color system or your safe word for the upper limits on what you can handle, then a mid range one? A number system also works the fastest when dealing with a the learning curve for a new Dom/me. I'm not suggesting you use this ALL the time just set up some session that training sessions for you BOTH with the idea more focused on learning impact than anything else. Some people see this process, as it grading the Dom but sometimes (more so if it isn't their kink or they are topping you because they like your reaction)it can be a wonderful tool that bridges the distance and builds a Dom/mes confidence. He loves you so his main focus right now is pleasing you and not wishing to get things wrong for you, he will not push your limits without some help. If you lived with a rope fetish, you'd spend time just doing rope and PRACTICING. Practicing strikes is really no different. Practicing any technique is never wrong.

The idea is on each strike you assign it a number from say one to ten. Ten being the highest, one being feather touch. You don't need to grade every strike, just when the intensity differs (like he delivering all 6s and then suddenly it jumped to 9..what was different?). The idea he learns what you need, plus how much force to put behind toys like paddles, hands, floggers etc. That way he more signals than just how your body responds (small hairs raising, breathing pattern, redness, welting, heat to touch, moans, wetness etc) Some people that are new to BDSM NEED verbal clues to build confidence (more so with loved ones or when your Topping). There is nothing wrong with taking this approach if it get you BOTH to where you wish to be. The idea is get where you both wish to be. BDSM isn't a sprint, its a marathon and like all marathons you need to stop for training! Training isn't just for the submissive!

also does he know all the safety areas for spanking, whips, canes , paddles etc? You can always mark these on your body for practice too....to use like a visual aide (make sure its not a sharpie!). I know this doesn't sound as sexy or hot for you but in this case your building his confidence, so he can ran with it in the future (without fear). The lifestyle is about the rest of your life...sometimes the "right now" just needs to shut up and wait till both parties catch up to eachother.

Also if hes just started using floggers. Get him to practice away from you. A fluffy towel over a chair is great training aid (velvet is better) any fabric with a nap (the way the fluffy bits move when brushed) will show where his strikes are landing. He can practice landing them in the same place. A stuffie can work too! (sorry littles) Practice makes perfect. If he moves to heavier whips a darker material works well, (or stuffy) just run some talc over your whips/canes etc! (don't forget to clean it off)

Also how he holds each item will improve his aim, I wont jump into that now...but it might pay for him to research that too. Grip/posture will improve aim and strike impact. In short your thumb will be where your tail direction is heading.