How to find the right DOM

How to find the right DOM

FlavaVirago • May 13, 2021

Hi all,

I have to say: if a month ago someone had told me I'd be joining this community, I would've laughed. But I find myself quite lost, and I thought maybe someone can offer advice.

I had my first and only experience as a sub a month ago. I met a very interesting man through an app, and we started chatting. He began to explain what domination and submission worked like and, to my surprise, I was intrigued. It resonated more and more with what I had been missing and craving without really knowing what it was. It also came at a crucial time in my life. Things have been hard for many people in corona times, and in my case some nasty family matters were making matters worse. My personality being what it is, I had been carrying the weight of the world in my shoulders for a year, and I could tell I was at the very end of my rope. So it sounded worth exploring.

We met for a coffee first, and it went great. I was scared to find a vulgar man that would drool over the prospect of using my body. But he seemed intelligent and empathic, savouring the possibility of overpowering my mind THROUGH my body. He hit all the right spots and I felt I had tapped into something that had always been inside me.

He made me wait. Sent me movies, books, pictures. I devoured everything and tried to bite my tongue -fingers, since it was online chatting- so I wouldn't push beyond what was appropiate for a sub. Then we met again in his studio, for a test training.

He introduced me to his whips, his cane, his cuffs... I held for as long as I could, and then I felt something crack. I weeped as I never do - cause I never do. It felt liberating, it felt safe. He was satisfied and amused at how "ambitious" I was. My was and legs were full of bruises and marks by the time I got home. I had to sleep on my belly, but I felt relieved for the first time in months.

And then... he started ignoring me. At first, I looked for excuses to ask him questions about D/s, and he would answer briefly. Then I asked right away if I had displeased him, ever in the sub role. He assured me it wasn't the case, and said something had come up, and he wasn't in the mood to keep training anyone, and didn't know when he would be.

You have to understand, my nature isn't submissive. And it sounds conceited, but I'm not used to being ignored -it's actually the worst thing he could've done-. So I very gradually... lost my shit. Ended up telling him to fuck off and all I got was his silence -and him blocking me, after I demanded that he did-.

I feel disappointed, betrayed, abandoned, alone, ridiculous... but most of all, I feel like someone took something from me after making me the most vulnerable I've ever felt. I want to explore this, but I need someone who want abandon me right after my first whipping, and I need someone experienced, educated, etc. I've no idea where to start looking, because this kind of fell on my lap.

I live in Amsterdam. It's relatively easy to find mistresses, but I can't find Doms through internet, and I don't trust asking for it through the usual apps, in case what I find is tacky and inexperienced - cause I actually tried, and was left feeling worse than before.

Does anyone have any advice?

House Talion​(dom male) • May 13, 2021

Be patient. And get to know what you don't what as well as what you do want.

Kelpi • May 13, 2021

Get to know the man not the Dom. If he is a good man then he can be a good Dom. Any fool can say he is a dom but being a good one takes time training and heart. If his heart is not in the right place he will never be the one you need or want. I was once told by a sub that she met two doms one line and went to meet them at a motel. She was raped and put in the hospital both time but never filed charges. I offered to meet her at the mall in the food court just to talk. She ran away and stopped talking to me.
You just need to take time and not jump in like most people do. It is worth the wait to find the right one.

redpoll​(dom male) • May 13, 2021

"You have to understand, my nature isn't submissive."

I just want to stop by and make this point. Being submissive doesn't mean surrendering yourself to emotional manipulation and bullshit. This man didn't honor you, and any submissive would have every right to feel angry and betrayed. The fact that you found pleasure in surrender, in challenging yourself, in pleasing another, that's what makes you submissive. That shouldn't come at the cost of you being a strong, independent woman who doesn't put up with shit. The right Dom will empower that side of you, not neglect or betray it.

As far as finding the right Dom - a Dom should serve you as much as you serve him, put you first just as you put him first want to please you just as you want to please him, want to make you better just as you want to support him in bettering himself. He should be educated in the lifestyle, thoughtful, respectful, intentional and careful. But, most importantly, push aside the Dom part. All great dynamics are formed by great companions, and if he doesn't make a great vanilla date, if he doesn't connect with you and bring you joy and fulfillment just through being a fellow human with you, he isn't going to make a great Dominant. This is about companionship, friendship, kindredship, intimacy and connection, just as anything else. Make sure he overpowers your mind through your heart before you surrender your body to him. Make sure you spend a couple hours laughing. Make sure he's willing to fully and authentically engage in all the unkinky, normal, pedestrian things first. Make him be patient for you. And, in time, when you know you will be honored, and you know you have a friend, get on your knees for him, get on your knees for him then.

Bunnie • May 13, 2021

There is a certain type that moves in these circles. They often go undetected because their addiction is actually quite common, so it’s often overlooked. They are those who are addicted to “firsts.” They want to be the one who gets to see that look in your eye, that release in your body, that joy in your smile... first. Then they move on.

It sounds like you met one, and I’m so sorry that happened. It can make it so much harder because we’re left wondering if we did something wrong. If it was simply a case of not being the right fit, anyone with integrity (an actual Dom) would simply say so.

As for finding the “right Dom,” I believe it’s much like finding anything that matches who we are as a person... time, and knowing ourselves well enough to know what we’re looking for, and have to offer. You’ve been given a taste, which is a great start... but don’t be in a rush to taste it again too quickly. A lot of people end up hurt because of that.

Following the breadcrumbs... lots of reading and chatting to people, is how I set out on the journey, and three years in, although I’m still nowhere near my destination (hmm so maybe my advice isn’t that good lol)... I have experienced a depth of both myself and others I never dreamed existed, and in return have found that the destination has no longer become such a priority. I now trust a lot more that I will end up where I’m supposed to be when the time is ready. Either way, you’ll find what works for you, and ultimately that’s all it’s about. Good luck, and welcome to the BDSM community

SageFlame​(sub female) • May 14, 2021

I recommend re-reading the posts above.

Secondly, I want to say I'm happy for you in that you have an opportunity to explore and learn about yourself on a new level. You sound both self aware and communicate openly. These are two of the ingredients for a thriving dynamic.

Your first experience is not uncommon. Please, I urge you to not brush it under the rug. Being discarded is cruel and processing the effects will take time.

Each dynamic is as unique as the people in involved. There are common threads:

1.Mutual Respect
2.Desire to grow and learn ( explore)

Without these two it will fizzle.

The right Dom is one you know and feel safe enough to be vulnerable moving forward.

I'll reiterate what Kelpi said
"get to know the man not the Dom"

Welcome to The Cage community.

It takes time and requires trust that needs to be earned

Jack of all doms​(dom male) • May 18, 2021

Sorry to hear that your first experience with this lifestyle turned out so badly for you but I do admire your courage in acknowledging your needs and desires. It would have been very easy for you to retreat into your shell and turn your back on your own sexuality. It takes courage to acknowledge your misstep and ask for help. I admire that in anyone.

I agree with redpol & kelpi. Take your time, get to know the person behind the fetish or lifessearch. Any good dom will want to get to know you before they attempt to do anything sexual or kink related. In fact, the first thing should be asking you is what you are looking for or, since your still new to the lifestyle, what you want to explore. They should NOT make any assumptions, especially once you explained your still exploring what exactly your kinks you find attractive or arousing.

I think you did that to an extent already but, as bunny points out, there are predators and narcissist who will tell you what you want to hear to get what they want. Unfortunately that is the risk one takes with any relationship, not just sexual or romantic ones. The only way to avoid getting hurt is to avoid being vulnerable and remain isolated, which is, in my opinion, a cure worse than the disease.

The best way to avoid this is to take your time. A person of integrity will understand your caution, indeed will likey have been disappointed themselves by someone they met online if they are a person of their word. A person who is interested in you, whether as a relationship, a playmate or even just a friend will not have an issue being willing to prove their who and what they say they are.

The deeper, or more intimate, of a relationship they are looking for, the more willing they should be willing to provide this proof to put you at ease. Their is nothing wrong or disrepectful about expecting such proof, if they believe there is than they probably aren't someone you want to be involved with since they aren't interested in earning your trust.

This should go both ways as well. Anyone who appears to trust you too easily probably isn't as interested in you as they claim to be since they aren't concerned with your sincerity, e.g., they're not interested in you beyond the narrow interest of their kink without much regard for you.

Good luck in your search and I hope you find your dom.

BSG​(dom male) • May 19, 2021

Though your initial experience was not as you may have hoped for I agree with others that you should not be discouraged.

Life is meant to be "lived" not pre-ordained or pre-destined. That doesn't mean you can not influence things through your personal choices, it Does mean that you don't control the outcome on Your Own. Nobody can do so, regardless of thier role within this lifestyle.

Your Submission, which Contrary to your self reflection IS YOUR NATURE, is far more a Journey rather than a Destination. And along that journey you will Experience Many Things and PEOPLE of Various Natures.

Doms (and Masters) are still Humans and thus have the SAME inherent ability as subs (slaves, or ?) to fail themselves and others as we ALL travel the paths that are set before us (by our own choices as we journey).

My personal thoughts are that within this Lifestyle that we All have chosen it is Far more important to understand that it is HOW we Experience the Journey that Truly matters and NOT the "Destination" .

Our DESTINATION will be where we find Ourselves WHEN Our journey has Ended.

Your submission is a Personal journey that you Can and Should be involved through your OWN thoughts and CHOICES. Yes Others Guide and Pretend to Choose for you but you Should ALWAYS have the Ultimate Decision.

Of course, these are only MY personal opinions and thoughts.

Sir

Dressing​(dom male) • May 19, 2021

When things are going well, and people all of a sudden do a 180, that makes you really wonder if you knew them at all.

I can't really say what happened to him, why he chose to act the way he did, but I too have had a similar experience as yours.
Things are going well, and you act genuinely, and all of a sudden the person gives you the cold shoulder. It's upsetting, and it feels like a "piece" of yourself that you had invested in the relationship got ripped out. That empty hole will fill itself over time, of course, but it doesn't make it any easier to have to go through the torrent of emotions that come from the confusion.

I have also had an experience where things went well, up until the point where I made a relatively reasonable demand. It felt like stepping on a landmine, buried and completely unpredictable. For those types of people, it's better to just let them go, really, as there will most certainly be more than one "landmine".

And some people hide what they really think, or how they really are, and when they do show it, you may as well have been talking to a stranger. This is of course never your fault, but it can happen. I recommend trying not to make it ruin any future relationships.

Though my advice for you, when it comes to submission, is to realize it's all about knowing yourself first. I understand a good teacher can definitely speed this process along, like the dom actually did for you before he gave you the cold shoulder, but some good honest self reflection is really worth it. Since there isn't a set definition of what kind of sub you are, if you are anything in between the extremes, it can make things a lot more easier for you and your partner if you try to sit down and "figure" yourself out. Things like when , how and why you like to be submissive.

Though when it comes to where you can find someone new, I suppose you just have to try forums like these and see if you can't locate a dom nearby. In my experience, "vanilla" dating usually ends up as a disappointment.

rebeltoya​(sub female) • May 21, 2021

i am taken aback by your experience. like what the doms have said don't let a bad apple steal your joy. the right dom will find you