The methods to approach a sub

The methods to approach a sub

poiuylk​(dom male) • Sep 12, 2018

As stated in my profile, I am a new dom who had no experience at all. How should I approach a sub? Usually when is the right time to ask? Could you guys give me some ideas?

Bunnie • Sep 12, 2018

Hi poiuylk, thank you for asking... that’s very respectful, you’re off to a great start I would suggest approaching someone exactly as you would if it was in person. Respectfully, politely and conversationally. I can say for myself that I like to be asked questions because it’s easier than just talking about yourself. I also ask millions of questions and really appreciate thorough answers. Hope this helps... good luck

the elf • Sep 12, 2018

How about approaching the person like another human being?

CrimsonPaw • Sep 12, 2018

I agree with the others about approaching respectfully, and treating them as though you would in person. And the questions to ask should help you get to know their personality, not just their kinks. They are women first. There's so much more to a D/s dynamic than sex.

Kara​(sub female){Dark Roast} • Sep 12, 2018

Seriously, your biggest issue is probably your want for instant gratification. My interaction woith you hasn't been positive at all, to be honest. You came into chat and didn't add to the conversation, but instead started asking questions about whether or not we liked this or that.

This new world may be exciting for you, kiddo, but you have much to learn. Submissive women are women, not walking bits of porn. We have lives, hobbies, thoughs, and aspirations. Kink is what we do, not who we are.

An online relationship is still a relationship of sorts. Online interaction still has consequences. Dominance is more than just kinky sex and telling a woman what to do. Those videos show what happens when a woman trusts you because you have earned her trust.

A Dominant I know once said to me, "I own nothing that doesn't interest me because it isn't worth my time. '. Read profiles. Perhaps someone said something that made you laugh in a good way. Perhaps someone mentioned loving one of your favorite things. Are they nearby or does their profile indicate that they do online ? If so, contact the woman, not the submissive and be polite. Have a nice little polite chat that isn't about sex. She will let you know when/if she wants to go that direction.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Sep 12, 2018

Bunnie is right; you've done well by asking. You got good feedback from three good people who happen to be subs. Take that to heart and think on it.

I'll add a bit more meta philosophy on top of that. The problem with your approach is clear in the question itself; a woman is not a puzzle to be solved or a machine with an unlock sequence.

Your question is a variation of that age old high school dating "How do I tell a girl I like her?" question.

The answer is the same for that and your question; you don't. You tell THAT girl WHAT you like about HER. Doing it any other way says that you just want a girl to like you; any girl at all. How do you think that makes the girl feel? (hint, like a walking vagina and breasts and not special at all..) The same is true for 'a sub' who is (spoiler) a person.

People are all the same; they want others to see them for who they are. To feel special and to have someone else see what's great and good about them, even (protip, especially) when they don't.

Stop looking for a sub and just...look. Read, watch, learn. A sub is no different than a Dom; some you'll like and understand, others will annoy and confuse you.

When you read things from others that make sense to you, reply. Not privately at first, but publicly like you would at a party. "Hey.. that thing you said makes sense to me. Hi, you said 'x' and I've never heard that before... ". That's how it starts; by showing someone you are interested in what they have to say as a person, and that you are listening to them over the crowd.


Also, stop watching so much so called BDSM porn. It's bullshit and stuff don't work like that. (True of porn in general). It's fun to watch folks fuck and get off to that, but it's not an instruction manual, and it will mess you and your partner up if you treat it like one. The pleasure they're trying to act out on the screen only comes with trust and a deep personal bond. True for any good sex, but VERY true for BDSM. Try that shit on a casual partner without discussing and knowing what they like as a person and....you're gonna have a bad time. Like hurting someone or getting charged with sexual harassment or assault bad.

Less porn, more people. You've got the open and honest part down. The rest will follow.

Relax, grab a drink, have fun at the party. Stop looking and start just being you with no goal in mind. Someone out there might just see something interesting in you too.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Sep 12, 2018

As I said to you in the lobby in my view you should not approach any subs looking to play with them. I know many will criticise me for saying that but you must, repeat must learn about bdsm, and the things you are interested in first before you try them out on a sub who its more than likely you might hurt either physically or emotionally.

BDSM is a fun activity if done safely and with knowledge, done without those and even the most on the face of it simple things could result in injury to the person, and not just an injury that fades in a day but injury that could last months, years or even their whole life.

I have heard some liken BDSM to extreme sports or highly advanced driving, and lets be frank here, no one but a complete idiot would try any of those activities without learning and getting training in them first. The problem with BDSM is its tied in with sex (after all everyone thinks that easy to do), and while much BDSM occurs in a sexual context, much doesn't and the issue here is that very few reading BDSM erotica, watching a BDSM themed film or porn are able to see the dangers in what they have read or watched, after all that doesn't make for nice titillation, or wank fodder, to get a blow by blow guide to how to safely do rope bondage, spank, use a whip, floggers, cane and whatever other thing was seen or read about before getting down to seeing the money shots. I get these things often create the spark to have ago, I would like to try that thoughts. Here is the thing though, erotic films, porn and erotic books, manga, comics are not real life, and much in them can only be done safely, if at all, by highly trainined, many years experienced performers.

Please start researching BDSM, read books, watch educational how to videos on You Tube or where ever else they can be found, and along side this attend physical world educational courses, workshops and get hands on, one on one training. Learning off online material will only take you so far, you really need the physical world training experience as well. Its easy in this day and age to think online will do it all, but there is no substitute for talking with someone and actually seeing the things done in front of you, trying and getting immediate feedback.

By going to training events, workshops you will also make friends in the community where you are, get to know people and people will as a result often offer help and other opportunities will open up to you, and some of those will be to meet submissives. I would also say that socialising and making friends is something worth doing and going to munchs - vanilla setting meets with food and chat, where kinky folks get together.

Once you get training, and good at those things, (I would also caution against trying to do too much early on. Keep it very simple, only pick a few things you are interested in and learn those skills first, then progress from there to more complicated things), you should be safe enough to do some simple play scenes. Of course there is a temptation to try and do it all, dom frenzy, and get a sub super quick. Please don't, take your time and learn to be safe first. Please don't hurt or abuse anyone. Please be willing to learn, be humble in your learning, honest in your ignorance and, please be a decent caring human.

What I strongly urge you and anyone else who has no experience or knowledge in BDSM is do not, repeat do not just have ago, or view a sub as a test bench upon which to experiment, and learn. Subs and everyone else involved in this are human beings first and deserve respect, care and not being put in a position of being hurt or abused.

Of course you are free to ignore this well mean't advice but I hope sincerely you don't, make friends with doms and subs, but please leave playing and more until you know how to be SAFE in what you hope, desire to do.

Phanes​(dom male) • Sep 12, 2018

https://www.xojane.com/sex/im-sexually-submissive-but-please-dont-ask-me-to-finger-a-stranger-the-trials-and-tribulations-of-kinky-dating How Not To Be a Dick to A Sexually Submissive Woman

Villanelle​(staff) • Sep 12, 2018

I was going to reply to this topic with a bunch of points but I see they've all been made..and very well at that. One of the most reported "bad" behaviour is dominants messaging subs out of the blue calling them names and demanding obedience. Consent is paramount and unless you've negotiated it, you have no right to treat another member of our community in this way. So starting off in a polite and friendly manner is the always the best approach.

Thanks for the great topic and for being brave and smart enough to ask for support!

Beastly​(dom male){Not Lookin} • Sep 12, 2018

When stalking prey you need to first gather information, how do they spend their time and where, likes and dislikes and then use this to your advantage to predict their movements. You observe them and make notes, and when the time is right and the back is turned you pounce! Then drag them back to your lair.