Things you wished you knew when you started out?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Apr 13, 2019

I've already added one thing but I thought of another that I struggled with when dinosaurs roamed the earth....

if you get it wrong, its ok to laugh it off as long as no one died (and of course you learn from it) Laughter is good and can be bonding too. "stern" doesn't always work nor does it work for every Dominant. Dom/mes do stuff up and are human

How much power subs have over doms

Ciel Rose​(sub female) • May 17, 2019

You come across A LOT of selfish doms who are just more about you pleasing them and think that your needs are just about having someone to please. And it's those Dom's who make it seem like you have no say so in anything after you agree to be their sub or slave even though the sub always has the right to say no and it's the sub who calls the shots on what the Dom can and can't do to her.

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • May 17, 2019

It's not a destination to be reached with someone, but a journey to be taken together.

notsounsureanymore • May 17, 2019

Few things I wish I had known:
That there is no need to answer or be polite if people are being dicks.
That just because they have Dom next to their name, doesn’t mean they hold any rights to be called Sir.
Don’t send any photos or information that you could later end up regretting.
That sadly not everyone on here is honourable and wanting a serious thing.
Normally people that open a conversation delving straight into kink are best to be avoided, relationships are built on trust / friendship and not kink.
Just because I’m submissive doesn’t mean I’m everyones submissive and doesn’t mean my right to say no is taken away.
Everyone on here is human, no one is better than me regardless of their ‘title.’
Sub frenzy is real and can be scary! Find someone to talk to about it who doesn’t want anything from you and can perhaps provide guidance.
Prepare to feel deeper feelings than were ever expected.
If something feels wrong then don’t do it.

Moonstruck • May 19, 2019

That our kinky relationships are relationships first. Kinky is an additional description, not the primary definition.

Know who you are and what you want.
This doesn’t mean just knowing your likes and limits, but also knowing what kind of relationship you’re interested in having and communicating that EARLY.
Don’t be afraid to “scare him/her away.” It’s better if they leave fast before you are too attached.

Character matters. Always. Don’t compromise on character.

People show who they are by what they DO, not what they SAY.
An honest person’s words will align with their actions a huge majority of the time. A liar’s will not.
A good person talks about and treats others, especially subordinates and service people, in a kind and positive manner.

Attraction can be immediate or appear over time.

Have rules and limits beyond what kinky things you will and won’t do.
One Dom lists on his profile that he won’t play with someone for 100 days.
I won’t share photos for 1-2 months (depending on how frequently we speak). Nope, not even fully clothed.
These aren’t rules that you need to follow, but you should develop some of your own.

Respect yourself. Expect your partner to do the same. If they don’t, talk. If they still don’t, walk.

Be patient.
You’re looking for a rose in a vacant lot overgrown with weeds. It’s there, but finding it will take time.

Darkmistress1213​(dom female) • May 19, 2019

It's almost impossible for me to go back to vanilla when I enjoy micromanagement and control so much.

Belladonna Dreams​(sub female){Phage'Hada} • May 19, 2019

There's so much more emotion. It's all amplified in this lifestyle.

MasterBear​(other butch) • May 20, 2019

I wouldn't have changed a thing. Back then my lack of knowledge also created an intensity and sense of wonder. I look back on those years of my lack of knowledge and remember how each new skill was like an entire Wonderland. Although my beloved and I have been together for 17 years I still love her so much. And our play is just as hot as ever.

So I can't say I would have changed that with any kind of knowledge. I watch now is young ones come through and it's all brand new to them. Eyes as big as pie plates. When I watch them I remember my own beginnings

Soulweaver​(dom male) • May 25, 2019

"That a lot of men lie and lie a lot. They will tell you partial truths but after doing some digging you realize they lied."

In my experience this is far from exclusive to men. I would say that overall it is a human condition exacerbated by the perceived anonymity of the internet.

Re: No

Taramafor​(sub male) • May 28, 2019

I'm good at getting to the honesty of a situation. Like I'm THAT good. I can talk people out of suicide and depression and even talk people into being there for me because I know what signs to look out for. But I learned the hard way. And when I say the hard way I mean it cost me my sanity before it all clicked. And the answer is not a shrink like a lot of people would have you believe (hmph. Care enough to be there yourself or don't. Either way you are responsible for how you affect others). It's given me a knack for picking up on what people are like and how they feel. As a result I get closer to people quickly. But not carelessly. Getting close to someone else is actually the easy part. The hard part is making sure THEY'RE not being careless. That's what they don't tell you. You are an idiot and you don't know what you're doing. Not until I tell you know to handle me. Likewise I'm not a mind reader and spell it out for me too.

So love. It's not what people think it is. A lot of what "shouldn't" be in love IS in love. Because it's about accepting the worst of each other as well as the best. Be understanding or don't. Just don't pretend you can't be that "monster" yourself. Some people act like "no one should face that danger". But, frankly, that's the decision of others. You can push and push and push for a variety of reasons but when someone loves you they're there. And if you can't trust yourself perhaps they trust their own abilities more then you trust yours. Or maybe know you better then you know yourself. Because, frankly, we DON'T know ourselves as well as we pretend at times. Until people admit that there is no helping them. Except that's not exactly true because stubborn people stick around and it helps. So i guess you can help someone that doesn't want to be helped. What you can't do is decide what they need (what really complicates this is when people say one thing yet want/need the other). That's not even a choice. It's a desire.

I don't always keep things fair. Which isn't even a bad thing. I make that first move. Pays off. Others care about me when I keep them in mind. People say keep things fair. But here's an example of being unfair and having things work out. You'll hate me for making you care (Maybe you pissed me off by not thinking about me at first. Don't want me bitching about it? Keep me in mind), but you'll love me for keeping you in mind. Then I'll leave you to it and then suddenly you feel bad for neglecting me. At that point though I have ZERO sympathy. You brought that situation on yourself. I will however talk you out of depression if you're hard on yourself because if you was that much of a lost cause I wouldn't even be around you at all. You're much more likely to have things go well if you keep someone in mind sooner rather then later. You're much more likely to have someone care about you if you care about how you affect them. It's "not your job" but it's YOUR actions and inaction's. That's YOUR respectability. If you can't even admit that then you're in denial, which makes you untrustworthy to be frank. It's denial. Nothing is more dangerous then that. You HAVE to care about the mental well being of others because they affect YOUR mental well being. Wherever you let it happen or not. Wherever you like it or not. Being online doesn't change that either (if anything words have even MORE power since it's all we have).

Tough love is most honestly the best love. Until it stops being tough. Then you're left with all the "good parts". But until then it's a fight to be understood. Let alone accepted. A lot of people would rather be ignorant and not think about serious things. I call those people deluded idiots. If you show me that you're an idiot I don't even waste my breath on you. Why would I? You obviously can't keep others in mind. If however you show you're considering something even if you don't like it then that makes me feel like I can trust you more easily. And in turn I shall do the same. Even if you don't do that to me. Because frankly, I lead by example and I consider myself a better person for it. I'm proud of myself, I value myself and I make impossible things happen. for myself, yea, but for others too.

Turns out there's a lot of understanding and accepting people out there. Wish I knew that in the past back when I isolated myself because of judgemental idiots that see only what they want to see.