Developing feelings

Zedland​(dom male) • Aug 10, 2020

No it's a fairly common thing. You're amongst like-minded people who all share your interests, are interested in delving deep into your soul, and offer affirmation and affection.

...it would be nice if we didn't sound like a cult.

terriblynyse • Aug 10, 2020

This is an incredible thread. I wish I was reminded earlier to trust my initial instinct. And what I am “missing” is what brought me to my current situation. Loneliness sucks. Overwhelming desires, how do you put to words what it can do to your life? To your faith? Your family? Happiness?

Devotedsub​(sub female){His} • Aug 10, 2020

Never is it wrong to develop feelings. You can't control at what speed you develop feelings. Sometimes we develop them more quicker than others. With that having being said, I think it's important to remember, even when we do.. Its good to take your time. Not rush, into some form of deeper relationships /commitment. Get to know someone well. Especially in the bdsm lifestyle it is important to have trust. You must know you have honesty between the two of you, trust and communication. So it takes more than feelings to make that work. But please never feel for what you are feeling. No one can tell you what you're feeling is wrong.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 10, 2020

Some wonderful thoughts and posts... as usual.

And that "as usual" part speaks to a core community of wonderfully serious and thoughtful people. We're not 'the norm.' Many, if not most of us, live or have lived in hiding, or sort of desert where thirst is keenly felt. We find 'water' and the impulse is to not just drink, but dive in with our (leather) boots on.

Our emotions, and our sex drive, are located in the limbic part of our brains (as evolutionary theory goes, the earliest part of our brain to develop, aka "the lizard brain). All our senses are hard wired through it, so what we see, feel, smell, hear, taste, goes through that part of our brain before venturing up into the lobes where thought and reason take place. i've read theory that our impulse for fight, flight (sex?) is seated there, that it's part of our survival mechanism to 'respond' emotionally. E.g., if a saber tooth tiger is about to leap and eat you, there's not a lot of time to think about it if your gonna survive, but reason can help with prevention.

So it seems with our kinky feelings for each other. i've had guys who drive me wild, who i have to bite my matress to keep myself from declaring "i love you" to a virtual stranger. Time and space seem to give reason half a fighting chance, but when it comes to 'now,' it seems to me that feelings always win. We can develop discipline, learn to tether or cage our feelings to provide the space or time for reason to kick in, but in my experience that doesn't make those feelings go away or less intense, often banging against the bars or straining at tether to escape.

In the above context, the notion of "developing feelings" is fascinating to me. For me, "development" speaks of time and process, not the instant impulses that seem to be intrinsic to feeling. i think 'kink' is a result of developed feelings, that in turn seems to nurture and build up that oft caged or tethered beast, making it harder to contain when poked.

ArtfulDodger​(sub female){collared} • Aug 11, 2020

BDSM takes all the vanilla stuff you may be feeling and multiplies it by orders of magnitude. The highs are much higher, and the lows are much lower. All the senses and emotions tend to be heightened. So no, it is not unusual or wrong - just be aware of it .

hank submissive male​(sub male) • Aug 21, 2020

just speaking for myself I may have a feeling one way or the other but I want to dig deeper and really get to know the woman I am potentially considering to be my Mistress I need to know there is more to her than the image they project that being said I have been taken a fool before and I am not looking to be made one again

Taramafor​(sub male) • Aug 21, 2020

It's more then "just is". Let's get that very clear.

The reason is actually pretty simple. Easier to communicate online. The reason for this is because online doesn't "go" anywhere. You're on a comp. There's any number of people. There's always something to talk about.

Now getting people to open up? People say "go slow" but that's an excuse to overlook getting results faster. You CAN find out the details that really matter in a timely manner, but you have to really know what you're doing and know what to look out for. It's in those key conversations/questions. After that it's a matter of how "present" someone is. If someone makes the time for you then that speaks for itself. A basic pattern to see if someone is here for more then a "quick fix" (whatever said fix may be) is to try and actually have some kind of serious conversation with them. Someone that can take you seriously instead of using you as a "fun tool" alone. But if fun activities happen first that's fine too. Provided those people don't mind talking about things afterwards. Logic is simple enough. Communication. Talking about wants/needs. etc. Sooner I talk about that, sooner I'm having fun, getting good lewd roleplay and connection with a person on a personal and emotional level.

Wherever that happens on day one or within a week depends on what other events they have going on. Some people will claim to make the time then fail too. Before you've even had a chance to get into fun mode. Some actually will be there and be understanding. It's always a risk but fear not trying to get results more then failing to get them. In other words "Fuck you rejection, I'm giving it a go again anyway". XD

Once you get your foot in the door you can talk about being a priority or whatever conversation is close enough to get that established.

Getting things started is the easy part. It's MAINTAINING things that's the challenge. And this happens with more then feelings. Fall into the trap of feelings alone and you risk letting lack of feelings decide for you. Those feelings aren't "magic". They're made. Control it, direct it and you can make the good feelings happen quicker and steer yourself out of the bad. Even love has a logic to it. A pattern. Based on actions. Simply put, find a balance between activity and relaxing around each other. But don't let either be too lacking. Otherwise neglect or burnout starts to happen. Unintended or otherwise. There's all sort of other details (which are too many and varied to list) but it all boils down to that. If you learn how to handle situations that involve insults and anger and how to defuse them, you got some talent in that area already. It's all about "control". Of the self for a start. With "guidance" following suit. One may know better then the other. Not necessarily a bad thing. Ideally, know how to guide each other. In the interest of support. If nothing else it's a matter of knowing how to be there in a time of need. How many subs consider that? How many doms even try to get a sub to gain that kind of ability?

For context it's common for people to stumble across "lack of interest" at some point in a relationship and have to figure out how to adapt. It's not the end of the world provided you take action and do things even if you don't "feel like it at first". It's when we DO something that we have something to feel. Always do nothing and you have exactly that. Nothing. Do something even if you have low expectations and you might be surprised. This actually includes sex but there's bound to be a large number of other things as well. Roleplay in general. Playing a game together. Going out for a walk in the park. etc, etc. Focus on whatever the activity is you want to do and try to make the best of it I suppose. Just make sure you get your cake while giving it. Be selfless but also selfish. Doesn't have to translate to restrictive.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Aug 21, 2020

Edit: for some reason it double posted.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Aug 22, 2020

For me, I have found that I tend to develop feeling very quickly, but as someone mentioned before, it's a past pattern for me so I have had to learn to be extra cautious (some lessons are learned the hard way here).

I believe it may have Bunnie who mentioned the "three date rule" (I'm a little tired so I may be mistaken). For ME, it takes more than a week of speaking with them before I chat off site.

In my many decades if chatting online, one thing I have learned is that it takes time for certain patterns to emerge. The pattern that is most important is, "How does this person react to the daily stress of life?" I'm not talking about the little things, I'm talking the major stress. In order for that pattern to emerge, it has to be repeated and that can take months. Once you can see it, then you can make a reasonable assumption about who they are.

A person can hide their true self online for an extended period of time....until the world steps in and forces us to reveal our character. Are we a beast, or a beauty?

It all depends.

truckstopjunkie • Aug 22, 2020

I say I'm vanilla because I cant decide in one meeting if I can trust someone. If I'm going to be with someone. I'm going to feel for them. Some people know how to make you feel for them, through sheer manipulation and thought out strategy because of their lack. In their life. Stories unfold and the beat goes on, but normally when feelings are caught to fast, then the one who actually cares, gets the stake and crucifixion. I'm still going to feel for who I am with, and I hope they value trust. Then i get to role play, punish and torture, with some joy. Usually doesnt work out that way though.