How do you determine the difference for yourself?

FearlessBrat​(sub female){H.PL.} • Sep 13, 2021

@Subtle

It wasn't me. It was Thotsferatu....I just only quoted her..

simplylaura​(sub female){djinni} • Sep 13, 2021

Dude. Your desire to "help" people is nothing but a manifestation of your ego. You just want to be right. Everything you said is completely clinically contraindicated (I have the training, degrees, work experience, and license to say this...do you?). Get help yourself, because your anger at women is palpable and quite frankly scary.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Sep 13, 2021

Hi Bunnie !

Super cool topic to discuss!

I saw the day you posted this but just now having time to sit and compose. You got me wondering what you mean by "Jumping in".

I am going to take it at face value and take it from there.

Afraid -
The biological fear response is amazing! It has kept us alive as a species. Connected to the part of the brain containing memory it can cause reactionary fear. So when we are feeling afraid it may not have anything to do with the present moment. Just that something has triggered the fear response. This is distinctly different from doubt. I read a book many years ago called Feel the Fear And do it Anyway. It was about jumping in and trusting yourself. That making mistakes is not only okay but Great! At least your not stagnant, right? I am a huge fan of jumping into opportunity! That being said, throwing caution to the wind is not something most of us would consider a good move.

Fearful and safe -
I am reminded of a Halloween maze. I was so nervous ( I don't like to be scared) and I walked through the maze with a nervous excitement. Screamed and jumped many times but never once felt that gut feeling that something was wrong. I knew I was safe.

When it comes to connecting in a D/s I am glad to have my intuition to help me . Submission can be tricky. When diving into a new activity ( usually something on my maybe limit list or even a defined limit that is being pushed) I feel fear, often shy but always safe. If I don't have all three - it means I am not ready. The safety allows me to pull strength from within and just do it. So far I have no regrets.

Let me divide it this way:

Warnings -
Sometimes it is a slight unease - questioning/ knowing ( this is my gut)
Sometimes it is a strong visceral warning. ( this is fear response)
The body knows when the mind may not be aware. Both warnings but one a trigger and the other intuition.
I have come to learn not everyone feels fear or intuition the same way. Sitting in the feeling and paying attention to where you feel it in your body can help begin to differentiate.

Okay, there is this also -
it does get complicated when I am triggered because it can interfere with moving forward. I have learned to give myself time to process and dig underneath that trigger to identify its root. This takes time, sometimes weeks to find time alone to do this but I have always found it beneficial to do the processing rather than slamming the door and being ruled by fear. The person I am with needs to understand this and respect it. Not everyone understands and that is okay.

Internet -
I spent most of my life without using technology. I like the simplicity that a tech free environment brings. But I also like to take advantage of opportunity. It was surprising to learn my instincts were sharper when encountering people via the internet. Certainly took a few months to develop a filter but there is more than letters being communicated. My gut has been a welcome guide that helped me connect with some amazing people.

As always - Have Fun!

Trust your gut.

Flourish within your boundaries!

Re: How do you determine the difference for yourself?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Sep 13, 2021

Ooooo, great question! (caution: nerd alert)

Some of what science has been able to discover about the brain, sensory input travels through the amygdala before traveling to the upper areas of the brain. As theory goes, the former comprises our core or original brain from which we evolved and is the seat of emotion, the upper areas are where reason takes place. So, simply put, we feel before we think... though it's all pretty fast.

Growing up, i was subjected to the notion that men are more rational and women more emotional. i think that, in part at least, that idea was Victorian in more recent popularity. Women were actually institutionalized by men for being "hysterical."

i went back to school at age 55 and got a BSN. i made a major switch from a lifetime in executive management (a primarily male culture) to being a critical care nurse (a primarily woman culture). One of my most profound experiences was the undoing of my culturally conditioned notions of men being more rational and women more emotional. As i have come to see it, some men are often more governed by emotion than they seem to realize, while some women are quite rational (that last sentence is not saying all i want it to). In a nutshell (and over simplified), i think those culturally conditioned notions, and their often subtle effect, have in many ways handicapped some men. I.e., we all have an amygdala and we all have feelings. i think in many ways, cutlure has taught men to deny their emotions, while 'emotion' is the expected 'norm' for women.

But reality is, men have emotional centers and women have rational centers. Working with women nurses, i have found them to be some of the most rational people i have ever encountered. And i think that their rationale is often more accurate because of the inclusion of emotion (intuition or fear that pauses their jumping in). On the other hand, when in executive management, i experienced a great deal of irrational behavior (read: "very emotional" hysterical?) from men. Often i think, because of their denial of their own emotions (denial that they were a part of their picture), and subsequent lack of practice including that part of their self in their conclusions.

Did i write to much of a maze here? What i am saying is, i think that "fear of jumping in" and "intuition" are often the same thing, that they are the initial reaction of our evolved brain. i think we should give consideration to hesitation, that it is the guard at the door. Sometimes the guard is right to bar the door, other times not. But it's the first line of protection?

i believe fear is a valid and important protector, but i 'think' we should not allow fear to have complete control, just be a part of the mix. What helps me is to acknowledge fear and not be afraid of fear. To give it, and other feelings, a seat at the table rather than just dismissing its reacionary nature.

I would say ALWAYS listen to your gut. I wish I would have a

slaveDraconica​(other female){Not in svc} • Sep 13, 2021

Koelntop​(dom male){ } • Sep 13, 2021

Bunnie,

First of all trust yourself nobody knows you like you. If it's something you think you'd like to try give it a go but voice your concerns and wait for the answers.
If they're reasonable I say try it always being mindful of there being no long term harm to you both mentally & physically. Agree set boundaries timewise etc. and go slowly
For example if it was bondage ask for a simple knot & to be shown how to pull it's release. Likewise if using a blindfold for the first time require than your hands are free at all times but agree to keep them at your side or behind your back. In power exchange start simply by handing over control to what underwear, outfit you'll wear for a night out/in. Essentially pace things at a comfortable pace for both you and your partner.
I have a particular interest in public dominatiom/humiliation, some subs react immediately & will go down in a club or bar & kiss my boots others naturally are hesitant so I'll drop my keys and ask them to kneel down & retrieve them While down on their knees their task is to caress my boot. Afterwards when I ask how did that feel 99% of the time the answer is not as bad as the sub feared. At times this has proceeded to a sub kissing my boots while we sat outside at a cafe table in a public square.
But again Bunnie if you feel it's really not for you say no explaining as best you can and anyone reasonable will respect the reason for your decision

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Sep 16, 2021

FearlessBrat​(sub female)
3 days ago • 09/12/2021 10:04 pm
@Subtle - It wasn't me. It was Thotsferatu....I just only quoted her..
....

Still was perfect

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Sep 16, 2021

Bunnie, Not sure I said it earlier but ...

When I was consulting I would ask my clients what may have seemed like silly questions. I worked with hoarders and I would gently ask things like. "Why 10 irons?" "Why keep all the grocery store bags?" Then with the answer I could build on the question to highlight the fear based behavior that prompted them.

Client, "If my iron breaks I have others."
Me. "Did that ever happen? And if so, did it happen 10 times?"
Client, "Well no."

Sometimes when you ask silly questions the respondent slows down and answers you carefully as if you just don't understand anything. What happens however, is they hear themselves talking and light bulbs some times go off. See only they can find clarity on thinking in ways that do not serve them.
....
So too is it true for other fear based behaviors. So when you feel the need to say no, ask yourself why. And answer as if another person asked and they don't understand anything.

If the answer is clearly fear. "I can't face that thing." or "He'll never stay if he knows the real me"
It will become more clear.

It might be exhaustion from hard things you've been through. Or distrust. Then as well, if you answer honestly you will be able to evaluate what is driving you.

You might not change your mind, but you will have an appreciation for holds you back and also for what is a good decision.

H*

I'mME • Sep 18, 2021

Taramafor,

Do you believe people, places, things give off energy ?