Are doms always tops??? ⬆ (and subs bottoms) ⬇

No one can spell "Topeka" right. You should see the number of people who live here that get it wrong.

And when you get to be my age, farty comes with the territory.

Like I mentioned before: It is the mental and emotional aspects.

Kinksters don't want structure, they want to engage in the physical aspects. They want the the bondage (of sorts), they want the spankings (as long as it isn't too hard). Brats don't want rules or guidelines set, they want to be "naughty" so they can be "punished" and look cute. That isn't D/s. That is simple Kink.

Which, like I said, is fine. Just don't tell me I have to believe it.

BDSM has evolved into more fetish and kink than anything. But that is the way life is.

Really what D/s is to me is: Philosophy, Responsibility, and other crimes.

In its purest form , you can take out all the physical aspects and D/s works still. You really can't do so in the other direction.

i skimmed through this entire thread (i.e., i confess i didn't read absolutely every word). After doing that, i think the OP did a decent job analyzing their query. i also think the multitude of responses (mine included), underlines the notion that the terms we use are subject to (dependent on?) discussion and interpretation.

"Generally," up is up and down is down. If one is on the space station, however, the meaning can get altered by perspective, so it makes sense to me in any discussion of kink to determine where each is in space and time.

i rarely use the word "sub" without a ton of (my) qualifiers and definition attached, often i leave it out of a profile or initial label altogether. i use "total bottom" to try and attract the general type Guy i want/need, but it's sorta like throwing garbage at the wall to determine what will stick. Mostly i just get a wall covered with garbage. But every once in awhile, what i throw out gets me a gold.

i submit that the bottom line is our labels are just a starting place and only open listening and hearing will result in an accurate understanding of what that person means by the label they use.

[quote="TopekaDom"]

This is a serious problem I've been running into the last few years. I feel like venting.

A lot of people basically want fly-by domming, which is whatever. But they approach me with their "NO DOMME HAS EVER BEEN ABLE TO TAME ME!" brat bullshit and expect me to just respond to that. I don't know you, I don't give a shit about what you want you brat. What the hell do you even have to offer me? A hole? Get in line.

They don't even try to connect on a human level, they just dump a laundry list of stuff they want shoved up their literal buttholes on you and expect you to do it. They want to dress up and look cute but god forbid you call them a stupid pig or give them a hard swat while they're jerking off, because then you're just "being mean".

Well that's the whole point, Bilbo. I'm here to be mean. That's my thing. It's not all about you, regardless of what all the fetish porn you've been watching has told you all these years. They'll have the sack to tell you that "online isn't real" but then they get in their feelings when you won't give them tasks online or do online scenes with them, and good god why would we bother with it?

Thank you for the reply.

[quote="aradialspire"]

Aradialspire,

Lmao. I enjoyed THAT, BILBO.

I recently went on a rare trip with a relative who drove his wife's car with his wife riding shotgun and I was the backseat "spectator". In the interest of full disclosure here, my own car is a '50's vintage car and there is no modern technology in it at all, so when I drive that car, I really am dominating to road trip experience.
Okay but their car is modern and has on board navigation that actually verbally tells them where to turn, which direction to turn and how far it is to the next exit, etc. Nobody in the car needs to even think. All they have to do to complete the trip is to obey the navigation device. The driver in the car is a sub in this case and everybody else riding in the car is a spectator. There's not even any need for a backseat driver. Amazing!

Absolutely well said, Yafe. Dom/sub is a lifestyle identity, a nature. In explaining the relation, I often liken it to personality. Top/bottom is the current state of activity/play. Personality is how you are as a person, but state is just what you are in that moment.

A Dom/me can bottom and a sub can top. I would take it even further to say the Dominant does not have to be the top at all times, and likewise the submissive does not have to be bottom at all times. Play is fluid, that's why I personally have a complete separation between lifestyle and play. The state of play can adapt and change, especially in back and forth styles like primal play or switching. I have a friend in PA who is a lifestyle and pro-domme of 30+ years. She encourages everyone try switching to a degree. She herself switches a few times out of the year.

I will say, I definitely felt like it was taboo starting the lifestyle. The "old guard" would argue that you should never top from the bottom, that the one topping was the one in control. But that isn't always the case: I definitely feel like over time that d/s has become more and more fluid, specific to the individual relationship, and less gatekeeping. Though there should be a degree of gatekeeping always, it is more meaningful instances like policing abusers or people that are going to hurt themselves/others. The nature of your dynamic is the business of you and your partner(s), no one else: just make sure you practice safety and with consent.

What I have also seen is a term not many have mentioned and so it may be newer: vers. Like you can think of Dom/sub on a spectrum with switch in the middle, vers is the term used for those that do both top and bottom. This continues the trend that D/s and play are, I believe, separating and play is becoming more fluid. So while the Dom/me maintains control of the relationship, daily life, whatever you all agree to, play sessions can still allow for much more fluidity and either separated from or integrated into the overall structure of your lifestyle dynamic.

I think it's a positive trend for sure, as more will find it easier to find their identities in the lifestyle and find it less restrictive and conforming-to-one-way to be in your role. It should make people more comfortable if they don't identify with some common paradigms of their preferred role. And lastly, it should enable to specifically relay what they want to get out of a dynamic/relationship and what they want to be able to do, rather than falling into one role thinking they have to limit themselves or using a generic term like lifestyler, kinkster, etc.

I did not write to just "bump this up" although I do believe it is a topic worth discussion and as other threads come to be, this one got pushed down to page 2 or 3 or whatever.

There are all kinds of topics worth discussion and Page 1 is what most peruse.

So, in my humble opinion, this one rates a second look.

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So to the original question.

In my experience, they usually are, but I have learned of some doms who want subs to "ride the rail"

At the end of the day, it amounts to which way pleases both in sexual situations.

In Non-sexual D/s scenario, well, that is when it gets a bit more murky.. As in, if a Dom wants "this and that" and Sub wants "That and the Other Thing" In ths light I'd say that all depends on the context.


That's just the thoughts of a woman who doesn.t do relationships. Arrived at via observation.

Your mileage will vary