Who pays for what?

Who pays for what?

PrincessSunshine​(sub female) • Aug 2, 2019

Hi Community!

This is my very first forum post! As we all know, this lifestyle can be a little expensive with toys, collars, outfits, travel in some cases, etc. Is there a consensus on whether the Dom/Master/Daddy or sub/save/littlegirl is supposed to pay for certain things? I'd love to hear how others have handled this!

<3 PrincessSunshine

Debz​(sub female){Barnaby} • Aug 2, 2019

I pay my own way with the majority of things but I choose to. I am curious as well as to what other people think

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Aug 2, 2019

When unowned, a sub could/should feel free to purchase any toy, outfit, etc that she wishes to have in her repertoire.

In a relationship in which the sub is owned, it’s a more complicated manner. I think it is specific to each Dom’s preferences. My Sir would be okay with me purchasing something if I told him it was important to me in some way that I be the one to buy it. But unless I explicitly laid that out for him, he’d just buy it himself. He pays for the majority of all things in our relationship. He considers it to be part of taking care of me, which he views as his number one priority as a Dom.

JohnBond​(dom male){Kitten} • Aug 2, 2019

As my kitten says here I personally prefer to pay for things and see that as part of my duty, especially if it’s something I’d like to see her wear or use for me. Finances can be pretty complicated though so it’s one of those areas that should be talked about so expectations can be managed.

Pumpkin29​(sub female){MrWhite} • Aug 2, 2019

My Sir has an old school mentality where the man, or Dom by extension in our case, pays for everything.
It drives me bonkers, and I continually ask to pay for things. Occasionally he lets me win because he knows how much it bothers me to have him "keep" me... but that's just my own hangup that he soothes to make me more comfortable.

Misterasmodai​(dom male) • Aug 5, 2019

As far as my dynamics go, my subs are allowed to buy anything they wish, as long as it does not violate any standing order (dietary, clothing, overall financial restrictions, etc.)
When my subs are with me, or they are tasked with getting something for me, I pay for everything.
I have had a couple issues in the past with subs attempting to use me for my money, so I have a system where my subs are not allowed to own anything that I pay for that is not formally gifted to them. That takes care of material items.
As far as travel and other non-material expenses, I still pay, but I utilize a vetting process to ensure that a sub is fully committed before travel arrangements are made.
As far as food goes, I enjoy food enough to basically just share with everyone, so food is much more lax of an expense.

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Aug 6, 2019

Heh. This question is really rather ironic for me personally.

Before we even met, she attempted to call me "Lord and Master" one time and I quashed it pretty quick. I only allowed Sir or my name for reasons that are not really relevant anymore. Even when she did come to me, she met her Sir pressed against the inside of my door, and after two days (yes, I'm not exaggerating, it was a full forty-eight hours) of exploring just what I could still do (and I am no longer allowed to lament what I can't since I have it on good authority that what I can is more than enough), I would still only allow Sir or my name.

The third day, I finally relented (if only that we left the house, although play still didn't stop), and we went for a little drive. I showed her the small town that I grew up in (which took longer to get to than it did to show every relevant part), a little bit of the much larger town I now live in and we went to eat something other than the food she had prepared and brought to fill my fridge with (a fairly nice restaurant in fact). After dinner, we went to, of all places, Wal-Mart (mainly because it was all that open at that time) to pick up some essentials for me. Some that I knew I needed. Some that she thought I needed. And, despite her wearing her cat ears headband the entire time (not to mention the play I didn't stop just because we were out of bed! Or even while she was driving! ["Focus!"]), I still only allowed Sir or my name.

When it came time to pay, she pulled some things from the basket while my back was turned. And when I turned back around, I saw her standing in line with her arms loaded.

And promptly asked her just what the Hell she thought she was doing.

She pointed out that she was perfectly capable of buying me the things that she had picked out for my home.

I don't remember exactly what I said. Neither does she. We do know that I didn't raise my voice. But, the upshot, whatever it was I said, was I commanded her to place the items back in the basket and that I would be buying them. However, it wasn't just the words that I said. It was my tone of voice, my posture, my eyes...

She froze like a deer and then slowly walked back over to put the items back in the basket.

And then stepped in close to me and placed her hand and head on my chest as I put my arm around her and held her tight while she burrowed in closer.

***shrug***

Different strokes for different folks. But, in bed (and in the kitchen, and in the shower, and on the dining room table, and bent over the dishwasher...), my sexy little slut, my fun little fucktoy, my spicy little submissive had only met her Sir as I tested her endurance along with her limits. It wasn't until that moment (in fucking Wal-Mart of all places!) that my sweet slave, my special servant met her Lord and Master, my beautiful baby girl met her Daddy, my precious pet met her Owner, my heart met her Anchor, her Home.

However, it wasn't especially that I paid. It was that my commanding presence resonated in that way with her. (In her words, "I like sex and you are really fucking good at sex! But, that moment was the first when I saw you as Dominant.") And her response to my command resonated with me.

Any road, from what I've discovered along this decades long path is that there isn't any "One Right Way." About the only thing I've encountered that seems to be a "rule" is that the collar must be bought by the Dom(me) and remains their property both while the sub is wearing it and if the relationship ends (unlike an engagement ring where who keeps it is dependent on who breaks the engagement). Everything else is, by and large, considered a gift and should not be taken back nor returned.

For myself, if it is something that I am going to use on her, then I pay for it. If it is something that I want her to have, then I pay for it. When she is in my physical presence, I pay for everything. (With the exception of one meal that she begged me to allow her to buy.) When she has to leave Home to go back to the place she currently has to reside, it's a little trickier. She pays for most things when she is there and my words take the place of the collar of my hand and my voice takes the place of the leash of my arm, but I have a say and won't hesitate to tell her to put it back and then order it and have it shipped to her if I deem it my purview, my responsibility, my pride, and very real pleasure to do so.

BUT...

But, as I said, there is no "One Right Way" to practice. As such, I think it is imperative that the Dom(me) and the sub reach an agreement together through communication and discussion in this just as much as what other kinks and fetishes may apply or be a hard limit.

No Body​(dom male) • Aug 6, 2019

Wow what a great question. I pay for everything that I use and keep at the house. There are toys she may want and I or she may pay for but when she leaves they go with her as they were bought for her they are hers. It does seem strange to some but it is how I do it.

SSG{ENM-TLP} • Aug 6, 2019

Thank you for sharing.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Aug 8, 2019

We have combined expenses. So that isnt really a thing with us.

Also we are poor- so we talk about every dime. Bills, budget, needs. How money is spent affects us both. So we both get a say. I get final word.