How do you handle conflict in your dynamic?

How do you handle conflict in your dynamic?

SSG{ENM-TLP} • Oct 18, 2019

What type of dynamic are you involved in?

How do you and your partner handle conflict?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Oct 19, 2019

I'm in a 24/7 ish Femdom relationship, that implies the male only has one role, that of bottom/submissive or slave and women is the Dominant (no switches in Femdom. Before you get pitch forks I didn't say they are not real). That said, he does still have value and rights to impute into how I deal with things. I am not his overlord. I value what he has to say because he has my best interest at heart. Just because i am the dominant doesn't always mean I'm right, although in the end most decisions will revert to me. I am after all human and do make mistakes (coughs although not that many lol) His job in 'my' relationship style, is to make my life easier so I can make his more complete, together that makes us BOTH happy and complements how we practice our style of BDSM. How do we handle conflict? We handle it like adults, we talk things out calmly and sanely (away from a D/s setting if its not D/s related). We weigh up pros and cons. He can often see things I cant and I need to value that. In the end, I will make the decisions for "US" and he trusts that I'm doing so for OUR benefit, not just my own.

If its a BDSM conflict we manage by having clear and concise negotiations. I never act out of anger and he never shuts up out of fear and ALWAYS has a right of reply. Just because your into BDSM doesn't mean you get to stop being an adult when it comes to problem/conflict or issue. All to often you read on some forums (so far not here) "just punish them for it" "50 cane strokes" etc. when your partner is a maso, pain is never the answer! Punishment doesn't solve every conflict...some times it raises more conflic,t than it solves..in the end no matter how you look at it..you need to use your damn words!!!!!!!

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • Oct 19, 2019

Be weary of anyone who wants to hide behind a title when it has to do with conflicts.

SSG{ENM-TLP} • Oct 19, 2019

[quote="MissBonnie"..in the end no matter how you look at it..you need to use your damn words!!!!!!![/quote]

I couldn't agree more Miss Bonnie. Thank you for sharing your dynamic and conflict management style.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 19, 2019

Love the post.


We handle conflict like adults.
We take time outs.
We focus on hearing the other person.
We repeat back what we are hearing.
We focus on the root and not the noise.

My beloved does not start fights unless there is a genuine emotional issue. In other words she isnt petty or attention seeking. So, if she is upset hearing her is critical.

Zedland​(dom male) • Oct 19, 2019

Of course the proper way to handle a conflict is with clear and calm communication like sane and rational adults.

However when I was younger and dumber I used to have a certain method for dealing with "big, world-shattering, drama" (which when your eighteen and in a relationship seemed like every damn thing). Essentially me and my partner would get a bottle of wine and could yell, scream, and gnash teeth until the wine was gone at which point the argument should have played itself out and we could act like adults. The flaw in this theory became apparent when the bottle was thrown at my head. So not a method I'd recommend.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Oct 29, 2019

miss subgirl

I have long since come to the conclusion that although conflict management is essential, if you are into the world of managing conflict itself then you are well behind where you need to be.

All 24/7 emotionally intense relationships are going to need huge quantities of self-awareness from both parties with healthy portions of communication. This becomes especially important, in my opinion, when you have a relationship where the majority or all of it is bedded down in the online sphere. It is difficult to read the nuances of body language when you dont see your partner, dont voice with your partner and the only way around this is more communication and more frequent communication. I think this means that to have a long term online relationship requires a great deal of calibrated skill.

Personally, my D/s style is very structured with daily, weekly and monthly reviews. Each type of review focuses on different areas and throws up different areas of discussion. I like this style because it ensures consistent communication and means that future conflicts become apparent when they are but baby-niggles. It's my job to be aware of those niggles and issues, talk them out, remove the offence if deemed necessary and generally keep a watching brief on them. I think, if I have let an issue become a conflict then I have largely failed in my role. I need to keep my reviews at a pitch of respectful, dutiful but open and honest - from both sides. To date, this has worked for me.

The last thing to say is that when I take a girl on I make sure I am very clear of her responsibilities. One of the key responsibilities is to maintain a self-awareness regarding her feelings on the dynamic and partnership, and to raise any 'difficult' thoughts the moment she is aware of them. (I have the same responsibility). If I continue to remind her of this, continue to ask searching questions as to how she feels it is going, and praise her when she brings difficult things to the table, then I am on the right track. Not guaranteed success, but heading in a healthy direction.

John Brownstone​(dom male) • Oct 29, 2019

I’m in a Daddy Dom/babygirl relationship and I am also the sadist to her masochist.

She is my equal in all things and we are in a negotiated power exchange where I am the leader and decider in the relationship.

That being said I value her opinion and insight. I recognize I am not all knowing and am learning and growing as much as she is. Early on in our relationship I told her she could talk to me about anything as long as it is done in a respectful manner. We compliment each other in that I will count on her and call on her strengths when I know that she has more knowledge on something then I do.

If something’s gets off kilter for some reason as it can and does happen thanks to life throwing a monkey wrench in the works I gave her a special safe word. If she uses that safe word we step outside out power exchange and discuss things as equals.

Do we argue and fuss with each other? Of course we do, we’re human and imperfect. There are ground rules for arguing. No name calling. No bringing up past arguments. Of course again being humans anger can occur. If we get angry we will tell the other we will continue the discussion once we have calmed down. We don’t brush it under the rug but will always work to resolve whatever the issue is.

Being able to reach a compromise is important. Each person being willing to bend a bit and meet in the middle goes a long way..