How do you know?

How do you know?

IowaDom​(dom male) • Feb 22, 2020

So I have a couple questions for you subs out there in Cage Land.. I will preface this by saying I am probably not the best at this modern method of emailing back and forth. I mean to say, in a RL setting, with a person in front of me, I can be perceptive as hell. I pick up on body language, eye movements, subtle tones and inflections of voice ... and can usually tell fairly quickly if there is any connection being formed. But this email thing... meh! so there are no signals that I am used to reading, makes me feel like a blind man at an art gallery. So ... that it mind ...

1. What signals do you send to let them know if you are or are not "feeling it"
2. Do you chat about generalities or say within the first week or so start talking about a relationship?
3. Do you chat with more than one person at a time?

Any light you can shed here would be greatly appreciated!

~ID~

xwillowx{Not lookin} • Feb 22, 2020

Such good questions!:

1. What signals do you send to let them know if you are or are not "feeling it"
- I don't believe in sending 'signals'. I believe in being straight up. There have been quite a few times I spent days speaking with a man with the intention of getting to know each other and to see if we are compatible. When I realized there wasn't a connection, or it wasn't going to work for whatever reason, I politely but definitively said so. I believe in respecting people and so, even if I felt less than stellar about the nature or personality of the man, I still showed him the respect a human being is due and spoke the truth. I didn't always get into the nitty gritty of why. I just said I don't believe we are compatible or that this is something that we shouldn't move forward with. And I wished him well. I have never received a negative response from doing this.


2. Do you chat about generalities or say within the first week or so start talking about a relationship?
- I'm a firm believer in getting to know someone first. If a man starts talking relationship stuff within the first week, thats a red flag for me. With my current owner, it was just about a week then we started moving from the getting to know you type talk to more specific what kind of things do you like or expect talk. And it wasn't until about two weeks in that I came out and asked where he felt this was going. After a month of speaking, I begged to be his.


3. Do you chat with more than one person at a time?
- I used to. I think people do this when they aren't sure if someone will be the person they move forward with. But I always let it be known that I was speaking with others. And when it would start to become more serious, I would end the conversations with the men that I did not have the same interest in. About three days in with speaking with my owner, I informed the two men I was speaking with that I was not interested. I spoke with no other man, with relation to consideration, after that. My focus was and is completely and totally on him.

HGB​(sub female){Scottish M} • Feb 22, 2020

Online can be difficult. I read between the lines and into things I should not.
When I was looking I would only talk to one at a time. I did find that to not be the norm. If I was interested in a guy I would ask lots of questions. I'm a curious person to begin with. If I'm not feeling it I give short one word responses. Hope you get good feedback here.

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Feb 22, 2020

1. I try and send “signals” in the sense that I would send emojis with comments. But how I respond tended to be tailored towards how the Dom I was speaking to responded, so if I felt like they didn’t have much interest then I wouldn’t put much effort into what I said or if I continued to respond. Sometimes conversations start really strongly but fizzle out and that is normal and going to probably happen a lot.

2. That all depends again on what vibe I’m getting from him. If I got the feeling that he didn’t really have much interest even just on a friendly level then I wouldn’t even consider thinking about anything more so I wouldn’t even talk about what they’re looking. I try and at least talk to someone for a good week just to suss out whether I even get on with them as just them because if I don’t think I can get on with you out side of the D/s then to me it’s not going to work. To be fair my Sir and I off and on flirted straight off the bat which isn’t typical for me so in some sense it’s what tipped me off a little that He was different.

3. I’m not great at multiple conversations so I tried to talk to only one person at a time. If I got the feeling that it wasn’t going to go anywhere then I would talk to a few people at once. There were 3 Doms I considered serious and when I talked to them I tried to keep it exclusive although 2 and 3 overlapped a little. With my Sir I did ask Him at one point how He felt about me talking to other Doms because on my side I felt something but because I didn’t know how He felt it was my way of sussing Him out a little.

I would say this isn’t all that different from real life in that if you’re not sure then ask the person you’re talking to what they’re thinking/feeling. Also don’t overthink it (which is ironic from me cause I’m the queen of overthinking 😂). Give it time!! Don’t rush into things, take it one step at a time and I didn’t really believe it till now BUT you will know when the right one comes along because it will just feel right and right in a totally different way than anyone else.

Island girl​(sub female){Yes owned.} • Feb 22, 2020

I'm a fan of complete honesty. If you're lucky, you will find a partner that feels the same way. The emoji thing though, I just don't get it. You can't hover over them to see what they are supposed to mean. I can detect sincerity in words, and there's always telephone calls or video chats. You don't have to limit yourself to email. IF something doesn't feel right, though, do your best to explore it and make it clear upfront that dishonesty is a deal-breaker.

I am enough​(sub female) • Feb 22, 2020

I talk with more than one Dom at a time and try to see if we have some commonalities outside of BDSM. I also try to see if our kink interests line up. If they don't then I move on and let them know. I don't like ghosting and I don't like being ghosted. But it is going to happen because not everyone believes in respect. And if they ghost then I didn't want them in my life to begin with. I always try to be honest with everyone I can, but sometimes they don't like the honesty. I also don't want them in my lives.
As far as red flags: pay attention to people who want to be yours right away. Because trust takes time to build.
Be aware of stories changing, their preferences changing. These are posers who think their wants and needs should be the same as yours. If they change that quickly for you they will change that quickly again.
Hope this helps.

Erick​(sub male) • Feb 23, 2020

1) Putting lots of effort into each response is how to "signal" interest. One-word responses politely show lack of interest. Just like in any other kind of conversation.

2) If I start the conversation, which seldom happens, then I talk in a general way. If I am responding to their overtures, then I follow their lead and talk about whatever is on their mind.

3) I'll chat with several people at once. Unless I'm heavily involved with one person, and then I'll politely disengage from the others. Just like being at a party.

Morley​(sub female){Max Sterne} • Feb 25, 2020

1. What signals do you send to let them know if you are or are not "feeling it"

I am a very straight up honest person. If I am "feeling it" I am saying it straight up! No around the bush (no pun intended, 😉)


2. Do you chat about generalities or say within the first week or so start talking about a relationship?

In email, it is very hard to decipher a connection. It is at that point, to me, two people just getting to know each other, friends, acquaintances etc. If I feel it is someone I believe I could move forward with, that conversation would start to happen as would the "no talking to others" conversation that goes to your #3

3. Do you chat with more than one person at a time?

I talk to MANY. But I do not in any way mislead those I speak to. As I said above, I am straight up and open if my intentions are to pursue further than friendship. Once it has been agreed by both parties an interest is there to explore the relationship further. I stop talking (respectfully) to others and expect the same if the Dom I am speaking to.


So all in all, online is hard, but just like with most everything in life...... honesty, communication and transparency are always key to any successful relationship.

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Feb 25, 2020

These answers are based on my life prior to finding my One..

1. What signals do you send to let them know if you are or are not "feeling it"?
If I’m genuinely interested my replies are fairly quick (I’m excited about the prospect of meeting my Dom) and my answers are thoughtful and usually lengthy and I’m asking questions of my own. If my replies take more than a day, are short and only answer exactly what is being asked, then I’m not that into the person.
2. Do you chat about generalities or say within the first week or so start talking about a relationship?
I usually chat generalities for a couple days to get an idea of their personality and ways of communicating, and then if that jives I start talking about the things I’m looking for in a relationship fairly quickly. I don’t start seeking a relationship from them per say, I just start asking about what they’re hoping to find and what I’m hoping to find. I don’t want to waste weeks thinking we may be heading somewhere and then it turn out we’re wanting completely different things.
3. Do you chat with more than one person at a time? Sometimes, yes. If I find someone I’m genuinely interested in then I don’t go pursuing anything else. But if an intriguing message pops into my inbox, I don’t ignore it. I do however tell both parties that I’m speaking to other people.

sweet november​(sub female) • Feb 26, 2020

Do they make you smile?