Discouraged

Miki • Jul 29, 2020

It's hit-or-miss either on places like this or so-called vanilla sites... More miss than hit because it's all too easy to show a single facet of one's personality in a private setting such as home on one's computer or phone, quite a different story in a public get-to-know-you setting where one has to be involved in the setting.
(Side note, In the before Time, all too often I'd see couples, family members or whatever more attentive to their gadgets than their company.

But I digress. The online dating scene has always been a bag of rocks with a gem or two in there somewhere.

TheDankLord​(switch male) • Jul 29, 2020

I've run into the same thing. I've never had good luck meeting people irl or online, and its definitely harder when you wanna find someone kinky. Even if you have otherwise realistic expectations, people who are into this sort of thing are like a fraction of a fraction compared to society in general. I embraced online dating after being initially resistant to it for that reason. I've met some people online but most of my matches on dating websites have ended up being bots or scams.

My best advice is you can't be afraid to be alone. I personally don't believe there's anyone out there for me but I don't let that prevent me from having hope. I keep my mind open because maybe I'm wrong, maybe I just have not found the right person, and maybe once my career takes off a little more women will be interested in me for money/status even if true attraction/love remains elusive.

To me the cage isn't entirely a dating app though. I mean, that is part of why I'm on here, but its also nice to talk to people and hear different perspectives. I'd be nice if I met someone on here but I still enjoy it for other reasons, and don't necessarily expect it. I have a tinder and just make sure I'm straightforward about me being kinky. I've actually had a lot of matches, 60 at one point, but nearly all ended up being bots or scams. Went on a couple dates but none turned out well.

Sometimes it just takes time, and I hate to say it but not everyone has someone out there for them. Just try your best, keep your head up, stay positive, and give thanks for your blessings! Life is hard, but the struggle is part of what makes it worth living, and overcoming those struggles brings a great sense of joy.

djinni​(dom female){smplylaura} • Jul 29, 2020

I met my submissive/girlfriend here in chat. I definitely wasn’t looking but I was smitten from the first time we chatted. The funny thing is that she wasn’t my “type” (not that I didn’t find her captivating) but I honestly had always been into femmes like myself. Turns out my dominant side REALLY digs my soft butch boi.

I think that often people look so hard that their view can become myopic. We envision what we believe is the perfect person that we don’t see everyone else. If someone doesn’t tick every box they are immediately dismissed. I encourage people to talk to people that are out of the box picks for them. I believe that physical attraction is important, but in the lifestyle your connection comes from many other avenues and if you disregard those you are missing out.

Re: Discouraged

My Dear{Trust} • Jul 30, 2020

Its like being pregnant, every mom (and most dads) have a horror story to share of how *their* conception, pregnancy, or delivery was the worst one ever!!

Yet....We all keep having kids.
Why?
Because it IS worth it.

My advice, listen to the stories and take them for what they should be: cautionary tales. Think about how the situations could have been avoided or improved, or whatever...

Research. Learn. Grow.

Then... if and when you find yourself where you will often dream you were, use protection!!!
Pregnant isn't the only, or worst, thing that can happen in THIS life!!

rimjobber​(dom male){Single} • Nov 24, 2020

Even tougher for guys

Re: Discouraged

BabyTgirl​(sub female){Not lookin} • Nov 24, 2020

I feel this way a lot and I even have people telling me that it will be impossible. I try to remind myself that this is a new age and the best way to get in contact with people right now. I have hope that if I am patient I will see improvement in my love life. And I hope you do too!

DrKrall • Nov 24, 2020

There is a lot of fakes, scams, role players and liers online. But the same goes for meeting AFK. It's just easier to hide online.
I've met real, genuine and wonderful people online. The first sub I met online turned into a 2,5 years relationship. The next one lasted 5 years, and I have met someone recently. Beside this I have made a few real friends who I chat with or talk to daily or semidaily.

So even if all those apps and sites are full of fakes, liars and scammers there are genuine honest people too.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Nov 24, 2020

It's discouraging to have unfulfilled drives and needs, but it's not like we have a choice? We are who we are. We are how we are. i think the alternative of hiding, conforming (which to me is a form of hiding), retreating are a form of death. i wanna live (physically and psychologically) till i die (physically). i think the drive/need/desire for a mate/s is natural for most of us, to deny that is to try and deny our nature. So, here we are.

i think what happens for many is people come along and give us little pieces of what we need, enough to sustain hope if not enough to flourish. Still, it's better than nothing and we continue to look for the golden ticket meanwhile.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Nov 24, 2020

Online, dating or otherwise, is like a huge buffet. The problem with buffets is that you over load your plate and over eat. After a while all the food tastes the same. I find it to be true for dating sites. Those special aspects of a person are lost in the 'pile'

I've been on many and I discovered that some fudge the numbers. I had to call E harmony since none of my matches ever responded to me and they finally admitted that they don't pull profiles when a member leaves. so their system is matching you every day but some, are really not a match and many others are gone.

They also tease you into a paid membership. So you make a profile and suddenly have 5 emails. And then you have 5 emails in your regular mail telling you have 5 emails on the site. If you pay you quickly find out that many are welcome messages from the mods.

People DO find others there. But I suggest that the more complex your interests are the slower the process. My friend talked me into OKcupid some months ago. I answered hundreds of questions to find a good match. And I paid for 3 months. I got a lot of non Americans either here working or promising to move here.

And a lot of people far from where we were. Or just so off base for me it wasn't worth bothering.

You also get anyone who will join. So on "Our time" you have much younger people, on Christian dating sites you have athiests. and so on. These sites have to take the money and can't or won't reject anyone. So it is a process.
..................

You might also want to consider that people often give you the HEADLINES. On social media people only give you the most complimentary parts of their lives. Over the years I've met many people from the lifestyle and was often shocked at the real deal I met in a couple after hearing one of them gush for months on end about their perfection. Not by my measuring stick were they perfect. And it's ok if they think they are but I had to stop looking at other people online and thinking they had what I was looking for.

Back in the old aol chat rooms days, two of the regulars hooked up. the whole list of people were thrilled for them. He moved to live with her. And every time they came into the chat room we were bursting to hear all about their idyllic lives.

They had dropped out of the room. We all assumed they were just too content to bother with online. A year later she said hello to me.

Nope, not idyllic at all.

He maxed her credit cards.
He refused to get a job once he was there.
He was not dominant at all just a leech.
He almost cost her her business.
Refused to leave etc. Police wouldn't help, once you invite someone to move in, and have no illegal proof on the person, they don't care at all.

When she told me all this, I asked her why she never said anything in the room. All she could say was that she was so embarrassed to be taken in by him she was just too ashamed to admit it to us.

Bunnie • Nov 24, 2020

I still forget that people consider this to be a dating site. As with anything, a place is what you make of it. If you want quality, set your standards high and stick to them. You may not get flooded with options, but how many do you need if you’re just looking for one right fit? Some people like to play a numbers game, chewing through people or talking to many at once... that’s all about quantity. It’s important to understand what method you want to use... and to understand the repercussions of that. Quantity seeking can lead to a revolving door. Quality seeking can take a lot of time. Where are you willing to place your effort?

My observations are that a lot of the disheartening blogs we see are from the methods of quantity seeking... however, not all... don’t be fooled into believing there’s a foolproof way that things can be done to avoid disappointment or hurt, because there’s not. Getting to know yourself and gaining knowledge about BDSM relationships from reliable and educated sources certainly helps to determine what seems legitimate or not, however it still all requires some level of risk... especially emotional risk.