How long does it take you to fully trust a partner?

How long does it take you to fully trust a partner?

ursa​(sub female) • Sep 2, 2020

This question is more directed at my fellow submissives out there, but of course I'm happy to hear input from everyone here. I've been a submissive all of my life but the cage is my first BDSM community experience. So far, it's been fun. It makes pandemic feel more like a BDSM slumber party.

It's been great because everyone here seems to know that so much of what we all love revolves around trust. For many of us, building that trust takes time. I've had some negative experiences in the past that I'm ready to move past, but before I feel I can give any amount of control I feel that my trust has to be earned. I also know that sometimes I can move at a glacial pace when relinquishing that trust. No one is going to pressure me into anything too quickly, but I think a general survey of how long other submissives usually need to give up control when they find a potential partner might be helpful to me. I think a lot of what we do has the potential to cause some serious damage when that trust is given over too quickly, but maybe your input can help me realize when I should be recognizing that someone is really dedicated to earning my trust.

So, in the nature of that slumber party, do you guys "kiss on the first date?" What's the BDSM version of that?

I'm not going to let someone I just met completely restrict my every movement, but if we've been talking for a while and there's no red flags, maybe light rope play is okay? Even outside of bondage, I'm not going to let someone I've known for two days suddenly decide everything I eat, drink or wear. But how long has it taken each of you before you feel comfortable giving up those kind of controls over your life? Or maybe I'm not asking the right question, and it's not about time but more about certain indications that a potential dom gives you that let you know you can "let your guard down" about certain controls, so to speak?

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Sep 2, 2020

I think only you can truely answer that for yourself. For everyone and every situation is different. Trust is something that is earned and never rushed. My story of Wolf and I has been told many times and is posted somewhere within my blog. But my trust in him started out as us being FRIENDS.

emeX​(sub male) • Sep 2, 2020

"I've had some negative experiences in the past that I'm ready to move past"

Please don't take offense for what i'm about to say. But i must share a thought. It's very 'surface level' thinking to label an experience negative or positive. There is no negative. There is no positive. There just is. Open your third eye.

"How long does it take you to fully trust a partner?"

The water will never reach 'perfect temperature'. Stick a toe in, if it feel right, dive right in.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Sep 2, 2020

Awesome question, i think it's great fodder for discussion. Thank you for posing it.

i look at "trust" two different ways. One is trust extended in a specific instance, the other is a more built on trust that you seem to allude to, where a series of the "specific instances" builds a sort of foundation or history to build on. Though we may rationalize it, i think at it's core, trust is emotional. my take on emotions in general is we can rationalize and reason with them all we want, but in general, i believe emotions win out, or at least, heavily influence our behavior.

For me, it's not a question of "how long" but maybe more 'how much?' i have several things that either open or close my trust.

One is openness/vulnerability. i make a conscious effort to practice openness/vulnerabiltiy. Experience has taught me there's a risk i may 'cast my proverbial pearls before swine,' put if i knew i was dealing with a 'swine,' i'd not cast my pearls in the first place lol. IOW, openness/vulnerability are part of the discovery, as well as ongoing process, of connecting and bonding. i look for balance in pretty much all things. i've found the majority of people are fearful and don't want to go first when it comes to openness/vulnerability, so i'm pretty practiced at leading in that respect. To me, i have opened a door, if the other person does not respond by opening their door, at least some, then after a few attempts of more openness/vulnerability on my part, to try and reassure or allay fear, then i tend to mirror the person, closing my door to match their level of openness, if any. Also to me this is all up for discussion, i don't consider this an esoteric practice or technique, i think it is very practical, even though it can be very intimate. i extend a lot of trust to someone who is open/vulnerabile.

Another is connected to the above, and that's initiation. To me, there is a lack of balance if i always have to initiate openness or just plain communication. i don't think any one person should carry all that weight, that it's a sort of teeter totter approach? The only people i have ever known who don't like that approach are people who want or are used to being carried. To me, the ability to ask deeper or pertinent questions demonstrates that a person is listening and looking. Canned or token questions shut me down very fast and make my trust in that persons interest questionable, when we have some history.

i can trust a guy very quickly if things like this make up our interactions, but i have also learned to reserve the idea of long term relationship to time. i never cease to be surprised at how quickly guys (in my case, i'm gay lol) start talking about living together. For me, that is not so much a goal as something we evolve into depending on the quantity and quality of the aforementioned stuff.

Dontcatchbunny​(switch female){Caught} • Sep 2, 2020

Both my husband as well as my Dom, two different people and btw my Dom left, I would trust with my life itself. It seemed for a while that I could never completely trust them though I believe I look through another lense now. Specifically I could never trust my Dom not to leave me or trust my husband to not make me leave him. Instead of thinking in such a way, I've learned to simply trust in who we are.

ursa​(sub female) • Sep 2, 2020

No offense taken at all!

I think it's a good point. I used the word "negative" perhaps too lightly, but I think what I meant was that the experiences in question made me feel very negatively about myself and my sexuality for a long time. I am only recently coming to see them as "just is," if that makes sense.

I guess I'm just about ready to stick some toes in, but it comforts me to hear others tell me that "the water is fine" before I dive in :p

Bunnie • Sep 2, 2020

@ ursa,

I have come to believe that trust is ongoing. Once upon a time I thought it was simply a point we eventually reached and that was it... I could hand over my life and trust the other completely. However, there are always new and wonderful opportunities popping up to surprise us. I have come to see that trust is just as fluid as everything else in life. Now, much like everything, I see it as a kaleidoscopic spiral... I always seem to circle back to it from a slightly different angle, which ever so slowly takes us that bit deeper into trust. It comes from moments becoming moments becoming moments... all slowly building together. Trust added, and trust removed. Eventually, yes, it does begin to flow easier, because each part that makes the whole has been a contributing factor.

So for that, my timeframe is forever... but really when we stop and think about it... what’s the rush anyway?

Devotedsub​(sub female){His} • Sep 3, 2020

It is built upon, slowly, but I don't think there is any given time frame. I just think it's important not to rush. If someone wants submission in 24 hrs, 48 hrs or a week, there is no way you can know them enough to really trust them in my book.. But I think there isn't a true given time frame either.

Trust

Rinweramu​(sub female) • Sep 3, 2020

Personally for me it would take me so long to fully trust someone with anything bdsm just because a lot can be harmful if someone intends it to be harmful. I also have dealt with a lot of trauma when I was younger so it takes a lot for me to trust anyone now. I think it takes at least a year to truly understand and give my trust completely to someone. Yes someone can slowly get privileges and I can allow my partner to do things bit by bit but it takes a long time to have a deep bond with someone.

LordofPain56 • Sep 4, 2020

The amount of time it takes to trust depends upon the individual. On the other hand, compatibility can be determined very quickly if you are both willing to get into the weeds with it, but it requires total honesty.
Around 20 years ago, I had a girl who I dated for a couple years, then she lived with me for a little over a year. As time went on, I noticed she seemed to have become more and more paranoid. I worked 30 miles from home daily and had a high stress job and couldn't take phone-calls from home. After a while, she got her own job and she worked night shift, so we never saw each other anymore. One Saturday, a sales lady came to the door and my girl assumed that we were having an affair. I was bewildered. This was at least 12 months in from when she came to live with me. A couple days later, I came home from work to find she had cleared out with all her stuff.
I've never kissed on the first date, unless it's just a peck on the cheek (and that would be because I wanted another date with her).
I can't speak to control too much. I'm not into the M/s thing, however I do have a rule in the "covenant" that requires we maintain a mainly clean diet and abstain from soda pop and other sugary drinks, and use alcohol in moderation. I am very strict about that, but I don't go into picking out her clothes and chores everyday. If a girl wanted all that micro-management, I probably wouldn't be a good fit for her, but that would be revealed much sooner in the compatibility phase.
I still can't see where any sane person would have thought I couldn't be trusted. I came home from work everyday at same time (exactly the time stipulated in the "covenant"). She was always invited to go with me to run the weekly errands, otherwise I was at home. Where could I have cheated? I was willing to give her more time to see that I was trustworthy, but she found another man very quickly and left. My conscience is clear.
That was the last time I had a girl. But there is still hope.