Stay at home Dom

Stay at home Dom

SoulSearcher​(switch female) • Nov 17, 2020

Hello,
Just wondering...Is a Dom considered a Dom (or Master) if the sub/slave takes care of the household? For instance, the Dom does not work, but the sub/slave works and pays all the bills.

Is he still Dominant in other ways besides working? How does he/she keep their respect?

SynUnrestricted​(dom female) • Nov 17, 2020

Truly depends on the arrangement and dynamic. IE the people involved.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Nov 17, 2020

Isn't that the same as saying if the submissive works, is she truly a submissive?

What we have to do in life to survive doesn't always depict who we are. A lot of the time, in today's economy, both parties have to work just to support a household, thrive and provide comfortably for your children or others. What work or the outside world will demand from you, doesn't define you. That is the entire reason many people are closet BDSM ers, because life dont care.

It is a stigma that the man has to work, however, I do personally think that it takes a dominant personality to be successful in the world, and not having a natural drive or ambition may not make the best Dom characteristics in my book, it is not always the case, or a possibility, to implement this realistically.

I do think a Dom can run a household, and has more time to do so even, if he is not burdened by a 40+ hour work week... nor do I think he should be a lazy sod. So it balances itself.

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Nov 18, 2020

As was mentioned, this very much depends on the people involved.

My late wife (as well as my submissive/slave/babygirl/masochist/best friend/et al) and I had been together for seven years when I decided that I just couldn't continue my career working the detention units and drew my retirement after a decade.

I did not immediately rush out and find another job but stayed home for a while. Ostensibly, I was attempting to get a professional writing career off the ground. But, after two hundred rejection slips for one novel alone, I mostly played computer games (Diablo II) in between re-submitting the self-help book, five novels, twenty-two short stories, and one hundred and forty-four poems once the cleaning and cooking was handled. All while she worked the career I'd pushed her to get after obtaining the college degree I'd demanded.

However...

However, I was only ever able to place six of the poems, for which payment was a free copy of the issue they were published in, and my retirement from both county and state was whittled away to nothing by the costs accrued trying to find someone to publish my stuff. And the amount that she was making monthly was not going to be enough to keep us in the style to which we'd become accustomed. (Not least because of those pesky student loans we had to pay back.)

So, I wandered out and picked up a job at a local hotel that paid a pittance compared to what I'd made working detention units for so long. Only maybe 30% what she was making. But, it was enough to keep our heads above water, so I worked it for exactly twelve months...

Until I figured out that working with the public was even worse than working with murderers, rapists, thieves...

"You need twenty-seven pillows to sleep? Well, here's an idea, princess. Next time, stay in your fuckin' castle with your twenty-seven pillows, or else pack 'em."

Yeah... I'm not really cut out for dealing with the entitled public...

Fortunately, just a couple of days later I found a job teaching at a local college. And it just so happened making more than I had at the detention units, more than she was at her career.

Personally, I didn't really care. So far as I was concerned, who made the more money mattered not at all so long as together we made enough to afford to do what we needed and wanted to the hours we weren't at work. Nor did it really matter to her, despite her mild exasperation when somehow each time she got a raise, so did I.

Fortunate, since my past when I hadn't really expected to get old, hadn't really had any desire to, and hadn't planned for it as I probably should, caught up with me. Too many closed head injuries during a checkered past they think resulting in Parkinson's with Essential Tremors and Central Pain Syndrome.

Oh, I still would have lost that particular job anyway as some sort of federal injunction was handed down and the school was shut down a few months later. But, at least I could have gone out and looked for another one...

My wife held on as long as she could... but then her checkered past caught up with her. The shotgun blast that took out her knee in the seventies, and the altered gait from the "repairs" caused her vertebrae to wear a hole in her spinal cord.

I was virtually housebound. She was virtually bedridden.

To many, this would probably seem a role reversal as I, the Master, was cooking and cleaning for both myself and my slave. I was bringing her meals, drinks, medications, helping her bathe...

But, there is more to being a Dominant and submissive or Master and slave than who brings home the bigger paycheck, who does the cleaning, who brings who a meal or a drink...

I was always the Dominant. She was always submissive.

I was always Her Master. She was always my slave.

How much money who was bringing home didn't matter. Who was doing the cooking and cleaning didn't matter.

Hell, the fact that she was thirteen years older didn't change the sheer fact that I was her Daddy and she was my babygirl.

Right up until the day she died. (Without my permission, damn it!)

But, why? How?

Because when it came right down to it, I was still the one in control. I was still the one making the decisions. Because we both wanted it that way. Because it was my pleasure to shepherd her, to husband her. And it was her pleasure to be guided and cared for by me.

Oh, not every single one. I've never been much of a micromanager. She was a smart girl. Strong. Intelligent. As capable as she was beautiful (which is sayin' something). But, when it came down to it, I was Head of Household and my decisions, my guidance, were tantamount to law.

And it didn't matter which of us was bringing home the bacon and which was frying it up in the pan.

Actually... it bothered her way more when she became bedridden and I took over what she saw as her duties than it ever did the time periods when she was the principal breadwinner for a short while. We had to have several discussions as I held her sobbing body and reassured her that it was my pride and privilege to take care of her, to do for her. To reassure her that she was still mine, and I wanted no other. Even when sex of any sort became an impossibility due to her body feeling constant pain where she wasn't numb.

I don't know, soulsearcher.

It was just never part of my perceptions that the amount of money made or who took care of household chores that needed to be done by someone had anything to do with my Dominance, with my Mastery. With my Husbandry. Nor was it that important to her (once I'd sat her down and explained to her how things were going to be). It was all about... who and what we were in our core, how we resonated with each other on a deeper level than such... superficial things.

(Although the spanking she's gonna get when I catch up to her for leaving this plane without my permission is gonna be epic...)

Re: Stay at home Dom

The original Her​(switch female) • Nov 20, 2020

If their worth in the relationship is tied to their ability to provide financially, it's not a healthy relationship. The thing about each particular mindset is that it's a mindset. It should not be linked with their earnings or role in the household. Some people can do that, sure, but as someone who is in the younger generation and grew up with a heavy emphasis on gender equality and fair division of household tasks, I don't see any issue with the dom running the household chores and duties. My current partner (and the longest, most committed significant other I've ever had) is my dom, even though I'm a switch. He loves to clean to the point where it's obsessive. I don't see an issue with it, because he's a normal mid-20s guy who can't cook, and so I cook amazing food for us, and he enjoys washing up after me. It's honestly the best deal I could've ever asked for, since I hate making my bed and doing laundry. It's made even hotter by the fact that after he makes our bed so nicely, he often throws me onto it to fuck it back up again.

People in the older generations with different views on gender roles, and how a household should be kept/ran may probably disagree with me, but again. They're mindsets. I'm more than happy to work and pay for things, in exchange for getting the shit beaten out of me (consensually) when I get home. It's cathartic, and helps destress from a long day on the job.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 21, 2020

I know for a fact that's not true. Why do you think people are so discreet in the first place, hm? It's because they care even if the "outside world" doesn't.

Personally, I'm done giving a shit about the outside world. But pretending that doesn't define you? That's just not true. It's because people fear the outside world that they define themselves. Some people get over it. Some struggle more.

As for work, that often increases stress/depression levels and affects personal lives. That's just a simple fact.

Re: Stay at home Dom

LordofPain56 • Nov 22, 2020

In my lifetime, I have taken the responsibility of being the breadwinner and taking care of all the domestic duties as well (house-cleaning, laundry, cooking, trash and recycling and all the weekly errands, as well as all home maintenance and repairs and car upkeep and repairs). Although I only did one major remodel in 1979, but it is still satisfactory to me today as it is. I have always taken great pride in my abilities to do all kinds of work around the house and have a successful career as a professional.
But suppose I had been a bachelor farmer? Wouldn't he also have the same measure of self-respect?
There is a lot to keeping up a home and the cars (well at least if you live in a 90 yr old house and drive one of two 65 yr old cars). Not to mention, I keep a vegetable garden in warm weather months also, which I plant from seeds and tilled with a large roto-tiller at beginning and end of each season, adding to that the time it takes for mulching year around. Okay, so now throw in homeschooling a couple of kids along with that. (I never had any kids but I'm speaking hypothetically). So, just doing all that stuff, which has kept me pretty busy in itself (not counting the time I've spent in my career. You don't think anyone could gain self-respect from all that? I think they'd be entitled to it. Heck, the old lady would have it easier on her than he's got it!
Now lets turn this thing around. Tell the old lady you are going to work outside the home and SHE has to do all the welding, woodworking, painting, wall-papering, house-cleaning, cooking, repair the wash-machine when it breaks down, rebuild her car engine when it breaks down, mow the lawn, mulch the grass in the mulch pile, set up the rain-barrel every spring, till the garden, plant and water the seeds everyday, harvest the crops.....wait a minute, forget about it!

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 22, 2020

Depends on a variety of factors and a set of undefined variables but to boil it down, as covered above, no doubt (I'm too lazy to read every post but will add my 3 cents) it really depends on the in-home dynamic.

Spank her with the feather duster handle, yeah you're a dom. Let her tickle your ass with that same duster and the jury's gonna be out a few days.

Also if a dom wears a dress while doing the housework the jury might run out the door.

The answer is simple. Whaddo YOU think if in that situation?

hee-hawww!

wildbabe • Nov 22, 2020

Every dynamic is different. Some Doms don't want the subs to work and have a 24/7 dynamic with a service sub, other dynamics involve kids and family life and both work. You can be a Dom and do the dishes for sure. Whatever you work out and works for you is your truth and your dynamic!

Re: Stay at home Dom

MrFulmen • Nov 22, 2020

If a dentist doesn't play volleyball, are they still a dentist in ways besides playing volleyball?