Unconditional

Unconditional

RedKat{Not now } • Jan 20, 2021

I was married to an wonderful man (vanilla) for 30 years and he loved me unconditionally until his death. He accepted me for me, faults and all. I loved him the same and miss him and his love, but life happens. After my loss, I got off some very harmful medications that the doctor refused to take me off of and once I had weaned myself, I found the lifestyle (bdsm) that I had or have a strong interest in.

My question is this, in the bdsm lifestyle, is perfection of your intended, Dom or sub a necessity? Is there such a thing of unconditional love? Does the Dom or sub(inexperienced) have the flexibility to “measure up”? I understand that not all scenes are perfect and it would be idiotic to expect such but, I am talking about the “people “... Ex: if a Dom expects xyz, and intended sub struggles to make timelines etc, then it’s not satisfactory.

I am not looking for sympathy, shit happens, I am just curious and trying to figure out if I should stay here, in the Cage. In reality, we all have the “closets” in our past and none of us are perfect and we all have issues, to some extent.

I appreciate any input and I appreciate the few who have been kind to me on this site.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Jan 20, 2021

The idea of unconditional love is a philosophical fallacy. We love for reasons, and with reasons come conditions, even if those conditions are nearly impossible to fail to meet. We learn to prioritize in order to have our needs met and the reciprocal de-prioritization of elements we do not consider important help to create the blueprint of the kind of person we desire. The same thing goes for Doms/subs. There is no perfect. Even the ‘perfect fit for me’ concept is just a point of a well understood spectrum where small concerns are eventually compartmentalized in light of the more highly prioritized elements that define the relationship as a success. Determining your place on that spectrum can easily be a lifelong endeavor, especially considering how much there is to explore all around us. It is still very possible to be happy and fulfilled without having this understanding of how your perfect match is manifest. If you are too confined to the pursuit of perfection, you are really only limiting your potential for overall experience.
Try something you did not think you would like (safely, of course). Talk someone who does not fit your perceived ideal, you may learn something new about yourself. If you are looking for love, do not forget that it is partially a learned practice, and as such, grows to a certain extent over time.

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Jan 20, 2021

A BDSM dynamic is still a relationship, people sometimes forget at the heart of it you can’t really approach this all thay different then you would any type of relationship (in my view). You still have to have really open communication and trust in each other cause if you don’t have that then it doesn’t matter about anything else. So personally yes I think you can have that kind of relationship but you are going to have to do a lot of looking to find it.

K y i v • Jan 20, 2021

Have no fear.. It is out here...

House Talion​(dom male) • Jan 20, 2021

"Perfection is the idealistics of a delusional mind."
- Lieutenant Commander Data STNG

TalentedOptimist​(dom male){open} • Jan 20, 2021

In the bdsm lifestyle, is perfection of your intended, Dom or sub a necessity?

No

Is there such a thing of unconditional love?

No. Everyone has limits, needs, expectations and boundaries. Anyone who loves you will meet or at least try to meet most of these conditions. In exchange for you doing the same.

We live our entire lives based on convenience and profit. Love has logistics.

Does the Dom or sub(inexperienced) have the flexibility to “measure up”?

Yes. At the core of it, a dom is managing and directing the dynamic. Flexibility is necessary for any kind of effective communication to work.

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I don’t know your experiences. I’m glad you reached out. All the best

Re: Unconditional

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jan 20, 2021

I agree with what everyone has written and felt it wasted words to add to them but this one line leapt out at me.

If you are thinking about leaving: Because you think your not going to find your ideal partner for BDSM here and you know for sure BDSM is for you.
I think you then need to know there is NO BDSM nirvana site.
No one site is any better than the next.
there is no hidden secret site where all the "good" singles hangout. (Femdom or Maledom)
If your looking (online and offline)you will need to use EVERYTHING at your disposal.
Finding partners, even ones that aren't perfect is hard. In truth its damn hard. It is time consuming. It takes effort, your have moments of elation and others of heartache...BUT "if" its REALLY what you want and need, it is so worth the effort and with that in mind....so is thecage!

RedKat{Not now } • Jan 20, 2021

I really appreciate everyone ‘s comments and to the ones that reached out to me via message. I am going to take time for myself and decide. In the meantime, I will find some humor because I love to have fun and laugh my ass off! Thank y’all again...

Re: Unconditional

TalentedOptimist​(dom male){open} • Jan 20, 2021

These are my dreams you’re treading on lol

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jan 21, 2021

"Unconditional"

i see this word, or its implication, a lot in the BDSM community. It makes me literally cringe in pretty much any context. Unless one is a blank slate, there are always conditions. And there are plenty hanging out in BDSM community who claim to want that, e.g., an object vs a person.

To me, those kinds of things venture into "role play" territory. I.e., they are staged, acting, pretend, "play." And if that's what a person wants and both understand the parameters, that is their choice.

Personally, my "sub" parts are very real to me and the D/s dynamic for me is about experiencing the reality of who and what my Dom is and, reciprocally, Him experiencing (and wanting to experience) who and what i am as a sub. The idea of perfection is nice, but i do not think it exists. Some of our gears are going to mesh, others not. To me, a challenge of D/s relationship is finding one where we mesh with enough of our gears to make the mechanism run. To me, the idea of perfection also ventures into role play territory, making the expectation of it being real, unreasonable. i think such expectations actually impede discovery of those areas where each might connect and bond to the other.

Personally, i think the expectation of unconditional, perfection, a sign of immaturity. If it cannot be broached, or one becomes insistent on their way, when it simply does not fit, that feels like a tantrum to me.