do doms lose interest?

do doms lose interest?

blossoming​(sub female) • Jan 23, 2021

first and foremost, this isn’t about any real life experience i’m going through.

i’m brand new to the scene, & i haven’t had much experience with.... a lot, lol.

i’m just curious if any subs/doms have gone through something where one person loses interest in the other.

is it like a break up? do you talk about ending the dynamic? do you just slowly realize your other isn’t as interested as they used to be?

and if you have, do you still speak, did it hurt you?

just curious, trying to find my way around this new crazy world 😊

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Jan 23, 2021

It’s not any different then any relationship or conversations, I’ve had conversations that just fizzle and no harm no foul.

As for being in a developing dynamic and that happening it can indeed be painful but as long as everyone is an adult about it it doesn’t have to be a big palava. I don’t general continue to speak to them but there are some I have no issues with if they dropped in and said hi

House Talion​(dom male) • Jan 23, 2021

As I've seen, the most common reason a Dom loses interest is cause they got what they wanted and are done with the sub. Such is more common from ubber-doms and wannabes

MelMell​(dom female) • Jan 24, 2021

Just as in vanilla life, doms and subs can also lose interest and there’s a lot of reasons it can happen. I’ll provide a few that happened to me.

When I first started being on this website I met a sub I really liked but he had some kinks that were on the heavy side like breath play. I did not have the experience to try that out nor do I have at as of this moment. Breath play can get very dangerous and he was the type to want to pass out. I asked him if he would at least tap me when he couldn’t breathe and he said no which worried me a lot and I told him no. Although our kinks did not align, our personalities and lifestyle did. I mentioned to him I’d be willing to explore his kinks with time but that as a newbie I was very hesitant . He kept talking to me for a while and then stopped and wouldn’t message back. After getting a hold of him again he had decided to go dominant and get a sub to take care if his very masochistic side. In this scenario, he lost interest in me.

Now let’s talk about when I’ve lost interest. I’ve let go of subs that have decided they want to disappear for a while and come back weeks or months later asking to belong to me once again. I find that very disrespectful as I was their domme and tell them there’s no way in hell I’ll get them back. If they become too persistent I block them.

One recent scenario is both of us losing interest. I talked to a switch who wanted to sub for a few months and while I liked him a lot he was always a bit unsure. One moment he liked me and the next he wouldn’t. One day he’d be talking to me the whole time and the next he’d barely say hi. I chased after him for months since he kept saying he was interested but I grew frustrated as time kept passing and he was becoming colder. So I told him I wanted to stop pursuing something with him and eventually found out that he didn’t truly like me and we started clashing too much and have since cut all ties with each other after saying extremely harsh words to each other.

Now for your questions.
is it like a break up? Yes, it is.

do you talk about ending the dynamic? I do and I get the other side to talk it out so that we both get our closure. I find that men don’t realize they lost the person until some time later and come look foe that closure which can be annoying.

do you just slowly realize your other isn’t as interested as they used to be? People have patterns. Once those patterns change I question it since more often than not they mean that a relationship is over.

and if you have, do you still speak, did it hurt you? I don’t really speak to any of the men I mention in those scenarios. I tried to keep communication open with some of them but it hasn’t worked out. Some hurt me and some didn’t. I’m not sure about the other party as at the time of the split they didn’t seem affected.
I hope I answered your questions.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Jan 24, 2021

Just like in any relationship, people lose interest. I found that even in my Vanilla lifestyle and marriage. My biggest personal concern with being a Submissive, is that when you give someone everything they want, they have to know what they want... Many people will take what they think they want, and realize after not too long, it was never enough to satisfy them, it is superficial. Yes, sex gets superficial when that is all two people have between them. People cheat, because sex became no more intimate than any other transaction, leading them to think they could just perform it with anyone. They get muted and bored with the sensations of the act. So they cheat, then they leave for something ore "exciting" then repeat the cycle because they never had a clue in the first place.

That is where BDSM is different in my opinion, these people have been exploring and learning about themselves. They *SHOULD* know what they want and how to get it, at least that is what you should be looking for. There are still many people who are here because, again, they need a higher "excitement" factor from sex, though even then, no matter how exciting, it will always get stale, they will soon realize it was them, and not the person the got "bored" with. Unfortunate.

You need to find something deeper, and BDSM-ers have a good habit of looking internally, so they can express themselves better physically and know what will make them happy in the long run, then actively go looking for it... Still... so many lost people who just try and hurt many people because they haven't the slightest idea. We can't help them, we can only watch out for them, and look inside ourselves to know what we fundamentally need, so that when they cross our paths, we can recognize them.

SassKay​(sub female) • Jan 25, 2021

It makes sense that similar issues outside of d/s relationships will occur within d/s relationships, like losing interest. Likewise, a lot of people have an aversion to conflict and might do weird or rude things like ghosting or ignoring the other person instead of simply saying what they think.

For me, I need to just have 100% honesty even if it will hurt my feelings or whatever - not knowing is way worse than knowing.

I'mME • Jan 25, 2021

@SassyKay,

I am with you honesty 100% of the time. I am Empath, where hearing the truth about whatever is the only way to go with me. I hear a voice or read a message that you don't even believe, then I question everything. I don't purposely read people I want to have a relationship with, but when that BS settles on top of me, well it is just a crappy thing to do to anyone...

Yes sometimes I may get my feelings (ego perhaps) hurt but that is fleeting (bc i know the things I am working on to become a better version of ME) so unless one is totally unaware of themselves, many things should not come as a huge surprise.

I realize some folks are not wired this way and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to hear the truth. We are all different on this planet, if we were all the same it's my belief that the world would not revolve on its axis as it does.


Just my 2 cents worth..

LordofPain56 • Jan 26, 2021

All I can tell you is that I'm one of those people that eats, sleeps and dreams work, which can tend to make it seem like I've lost interest in romance, but nothing could be further from the truth.
I always used to say; "You want some attention? Don't you worry your pretty little head about it. When I get the time to dive into you, there will no longer be any doubts"!

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 28, 2021

When you look at these relationships and how to navigate, remove the kink/fetish/BDSM aspects.

These are just people. So if you wouldn't trust someone in vanilla life without knowing them, don't do it here or in real time.

If you wouldn't trust them at hello or let them influence you in vanilla life, don't do it here.

Lots of people just walk away. Online many have multiple people they are working at the same time and then when they break through with one (let that mean whatever you want) they drop the others.

Then if it falls through they come back with some sick family member or work problem excuse.

The fact that there are many more layers to these types of relationships in no way means the participants are going to reach those layers. Some are here to score and have fun. No matter what they say there is no serious deep desire to grow and be one of us.

So use your vanilla, adult thinking as you would in any setting and you'll do ok.

I have not stayed friends with exe's. Those who want to repeat our last argument to get me back are exhausting and the others move on.

TalentedOptimist​(dom male){open} • Jan 29, 2021

+++When I lose interest:

I'm straight forward. I let my other know if I'm not happy and why I believe it to be so. We will talk about it openly, if the blame game starts without looking for solid solutions, I leave.

As for losing interest. If I don't get as good as I give, I'll lose interest right after my needs are met. Three strikes and you're out. Since BDSM is structured, so long as emotions don't overrun written boundaries, the split is usually civil and friendly compared to regular dating.

I still speak to most of my submissives. We chat and joke every now and again.
As for hurting. I have had some civil and some devastating breakups. I chose to handle it the best I could and move on without treating the next person badly.