Vanilla to Kinky

Vanilla to Kinky

Kait​(sub female) • Oct 15, 2021

So for anyone who was once truly vanilla and then became kinky later on, what caused that change? I know people don't change for others, so what was it that made you want this kind of intimacy. I guess also on the flip side for kinksters, if you dated someone who was vanilla how did you realize they could never be kinky?

I am with a partner right now who is definitely vanilla, but he has shown he can dom sort of, the issue is it's like he will take control for maybe a scene, and then just nothing back to vanilla for months. Or I get these weird flickers of him trying things, but there is no follow-up. Like he might ask for a photo or grab me, but that's the most I get and it doesn't lead to anything. He also gets these weird kinky dreams when he sleeps, but he never has any drive to try anything he dreams of. He seems very insistent that he can be kinky for me, but also seems too afraid to ever do anything. I don't think there is anything more I can do at this point, if I take the lead I feel like I turn him off even worse somehow, and if I leave him to be we just don't ever have sex and we act very normally with these attempts from him that doesn't go anywhere. I just am very confused and not sure if these are signs there is hope or if it's just him trying for my sake. I figured people who were once vanilla could give me some sort of idea of what I can translate this as.

LongerJohnny​(dom male){B&C} • Oct 15, 2021

Correct me if I am mistaken, but I think maybe your question is better stated
"So for anyone who ever lived a truly vanilla lifestyle, and then started to live a truly BDSM lifestyle, what caused that change?"
It is important to see the difference between actually being a way vs just acting a way.

You and your partner need to have a conversation about what each of you needs. There may be no problem with taking turns doing vanilla one night, BDSM the next, as long as everyone involved is ok with it. You can even teach your partner how to do kinky things, and maybe you will open his eyes to a part of him he didn't know existed. But you can't turn a person into someone they are fundamentally not.

To answer your question - I always kinda felt and thought a certain way but it was not until I got involved with a woman who turned out to be a sub/slave that I realized BDSM was a thing. I always thought it was just me. That was the turning point.
And how do you find out if someone you thought was vanilla is in fact kinky? SLOWLY! And the best way to begin is to just ask. Talk about what you are both into. Have that conversation.

Kait​(sub female) • Oct 15, 2021

We just have a lot of talks and he seems a bit frustrated by them. I also don't fully know what I want since I haven't had any real chance to explore what I think I want. He has been my only partner.

So I guess what is the difference between being a way and acting a way? Because I see him trying, but I don't see him with an actual interest. Like he physically responds well to BDSM better than vanilla sex, but mentally he seems so detached from anything he physically wants.

It's been about a year since he has actual made any effort and I don't see any progress on what he is into or even wants from me. Just him trying things kind of at random and I give him feed back, but good or bad he just stops doing whatever he did.

LongerJohnny​(dom male){B&C} • Oct 15, 2021

(Disclaimer: what follows is just a simple analogy, not a comparison. So don't everyone crawl up my ass for saying it)

The difference between being a way and acting a way is that one is authentic, the other is pretend.
For the sake of this conversation think about a personal identity. Either you are what you are are you aren't. You don't learn how to be (or how not to be!) We all are who we are.

For instance,
You can teach a straight man how to suck a cock but you can't just make him gay.
You can put a collar, leash, and buttplug tail on/in someone but you can't just make them a pet.
You can show your partner how to do kinky things to you but if he isn't a kinky guy then you can't just force him to become one.
In each case the person in question might find out that they actually do have other tendencies (if in fact they do) but you can't just make them have them.

He tries and responds to kinky things. That's good. I suggest you get advice and guidance from experienced subs, and he get some from experienced Doms. Then compare notes.

Kait​(sub female) • Oct 15, 2021

That's a good idea and the analogy was helpful. I have been thinking about a munch, so maybe we can get some input there. Thanks!

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Oct 15, 2021

Kait​(switch female) - "It's been about a year since he has actual made any effort and I don't see any progress on what he is into or even wants from me. Just him trying things kind of at random and I give him feedback, but good or bad he just stops doing whatever he did."
.......................
There is a difference between an action and an appetite. An action is in the moment and an appetite is ever-present.

Sometimes when we bring complex actions to someone who either knows nothing about them or may not want anything to do with them, the best you can hope for is the action.

When people get together, they do so with some assumption that they can make each other happy. When you surprise them with something like what we do, you have told them that their best moves are not enough. So they might pick out something and try it but that doesn't mean their heart is in it because it wasn't on their wish list. It isn't his fault, nor is it yours.

It will be hard for you since you have a lot to learn about yourself and how you fit into this all. As well as, learning about what it is that we do and why.
So expressing what you know, as you said is impossible because you don't yet know what you want.

It's a hard lesson for any of us to accept that not all people are kinky, or into power exchange. Some folks are just vanilla and they are happy with that.

It's also painful to accept that even if someone loves you, that doesn't mean they can change who they are and become who you want them to be.

Yes, talk about it. Consider getting the book, "When someone you love is kinky." and read it together.

And if he doesn't want to continue, give both of you a real chance at happiness by learning who you are in this life and seeking out those who have an appetite for this as you do.

Good luck.

H*

Kait​(sub female) • Oct 15, 2021

I'm kind of worried about him saying he likes it but him never fully understanding what it actually is. I'll give the book a shot with him and see how we do. Trying to do things with him can be a bit hit or miss, but it's defiantly worth trying. Thank you

Steellover​(sub male) • Oct 15, 2021

I guess I knew I was always submissive, it was how I was raised- better to give than receive, be attentive to the needs of others, etc. And there were various things that happened in my life, things that happened, that sort of molded me to be submissive. Still, for the longest time I considered myself pretty vanilla as far as sex drive. I was like a typical guy in his early 20's in that respect.

What triggered the switch to full blown attraction to kink? Seeing a documentary about BDSM and professional dommes in a dungeon, and being super turned on by it. Then imagining my incredibly beautiful female friend (who I was watching this documentary with) being one of those women working in that professional dungeon, and it just sent me over the top. Her and I never hooked up in any shape or form though; we always remained platonic- but I realized how turned on I got and, well, I often look back and sometimes wish I had never seen that documentary. Reason being, as stated many times before, Vanilla people have it much easier as far as finding a meaningful relationship, and even dating in the vanilla world is hard to find a partner if you are a guy, at least where I live.

Sasa​(dom female) • Oct 16, 2021

Many women ask themselves at a certain point why they are not "enough" the way they are in case their husbands tell them what they truly want. It is a process to understand that the partner can't change it, that those desires are a part of them. Talking is not easy, being open and honest with insecurities is not easy... for men still more difficult. Avoiding to talk about sex is often something deeper. How they were raised, whatever.

You are young and believe first and foremost you have to know what you truly want. What makes you happy and fulfilled. I have seen people who playfully explored BDSM together with and without breaks. I also believe there is no true... No true submissive, no true dom and no true vanilla.

About finding a mentor... I can tell you that is even more difficult. I am talking about a good mentor, not some who offers some knowledge. Have you ever considered working with a kink-aware therapist? Alone and together maybe?

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Oct 16, 2021

Mentors:

I've mentored three new submissives and gave a crash course in essentials to two young new dominants.

Resolve this situation first. That is a must.

Then seek out submissive support groups. There are many men out there who will offer to mentor and train you but I personally believe in the same mentoring same. So while I did both doms and subs they were very different scenarios and durations. Mentoring other subs was a much longer endeavor and it is very hard.

So please be careful of men offering to "help" you. Too often that really means they are helping themselves. Meet other women in a supportive, no strings, venue and you may be surprised how many of your feelings will be validated as others tell their stories.

Above all else. Go slow and be safe. When in doubt, ask those with more experience.

H*