Young dom

Young dom

Magnus​(switch male) • Dec 10, 2017

Hey everyone. I was wondering what you guys think of young doms. Being 18 myself and thus only having participated in the online community around kink for less than half a year. I've found that a lot of subs, both male and female, prefer older doms, which always seems to come as a hurdle for me.

So, what do you guys think of younger doms, and how would I be able to overcome the challenge that being a young dom is?

j84​(dom male) • Dec 10, 2017

Thats a tough one.

Its very likely that you don't have enough life experience to offer the same things as older doms. I don't say this to cut you down. It isn't exactly in your control.

Develop your understanding of yourself and others. Develop your empathy. Seek knowledge on the human condition. Cultivate your imagination.

If a sub wants something you don't have there isn't much you can do. Just like if a woman prefers a man taller than me. You can, however, work towards improving and equipping yourself with experience and knowledge that will benefit your endeavors.

Razeel​(dom male) • Dec 11, 2017

I remember being a young man discovering this life. What I did was find older, experienced people to observe and learn from. I asked questions and went to events. Being young means you have less experience than an older dominant, there is no way around that, but I found that as long as I was willing to learn, the people in my local community were very willing to teach. I learned quite a lot about domination and submission and how I fit into the equation from those who knew. It will be frustrating for you for awhile, I’m sure, but try to remember that this is not a sprint if it is done well. I suggest you read these forums, ask questions, find some local people to learn from if you can, and develop the skills you want to develop.

Angel07​(sub female){Owned} • Dec 15, 2017

It is definitely true that subs in particular young subs prefer older and more experienced doms. It gives a sense of ease to the sub knowing that the Dom knows his work well therefore the sub is able to trust the Dom much more. Also the age difference in a sub/dom relationship enhances the authority of the Dom and the need for respect which in turn is I believe quite a turn in for a sub (at least for me). But I'm the end what it comes down to is whether you're able to develop a healthy sense of safety,security and trust with your sub. I wouldn't object to a young dom even though I do prefer older and wiser ones if a particular dom is able to make me comfortable enough to submit. If there is trust and the two in a relationship tick than age is just a number.
Good luck!

MsNevermore​(other female) • Dec 15, 2017

A lot of the communities TNG (the next generation) groups geared for those younger or newer to the lifestyle. They usually have an age cap as to who is in the group (18/21 to early 30s).
I will second what Cimon said, in taking this time to learn and observe from others experienced in the areas you find a common interest or dynamic.
I give you props for actually recognizing the limitations of your experience. Its not and should not be seen or felt as a shirt coming but an area that needs to be part of any negotiation and communication with those you enter into a relationship or scene with. I wish you well in your journey.

evergrey​(sub female){Ashigeru} • Dec 15, 2017

When I was 18 and joining the actual lifestyle scene, a bunch of us young adult folks in the area formed a group. There were some people in their 30s in it, too, but mostly we were college age, or early 20s. We learned from each other, learned together, for better or worse, and also learned from people older than us. It took time, and patience, but since we were all the same age, it worked out OK.

Nowadays, there are TNG munches and groups for people who aren't comfortable with age gaps. That's good! Though, I recommend ALSO hanging out with the older (AND MORE EXERIENCED) doms a bit, too. Bear in mind, someone can be 57 and only have two months in the lifestyle, heh!

It IS hard, getting started. Having humility helps a lot- yes, a dom with humility is going to impress me more than a dom with a bunch of false bravado!

And patience. :}

Symphonette​(sub trans woman) • Dec 16, 2017

I too jumped right into the local BDSM community at 18. There is a lot to learn, skillwise and about yourself. I think that while a Dominant who is 18 is just begining their epic journey, both in kink and in life, it is the depth of their character that matters most.

That all said, finding subs your age is pretty easy when you go out to events and demonstrate compentancy (socially, skill wise, intellectually). Like other commenters I highly endorse TNG events for new and young Doms, but I am endorsing it because I experienced it for myself. If there are none in your area, start a TNG munch or meet up.

reaverforge​(switch male){owned} • Dec 26, 2017

personally, i think one of the easiest ways to overcome age as a young dom, would be being honest. yes, you are younger, and have less life experience in the real world. But you dont have to claim to know everything, or anything for that matter about BDSM. Like it was said in another forum on here, the first goal in the online community should be to make friends with people. get to know them on a personal level, especially at your age. All the rest will come in time. Just be true to yourself on your skills and knowledge, and be true to everyone else about the same.

Alot of young doms have the feeling that they need to proove themselves by knowing what this or that means. I am a firm believer of actions proove much more about oneself than anything they can tell me. My Mommy, before she was my Mommy, had a young dom. He was an ok guy, but when it came time to step up and do what he said he would do, he often lacked in action.

So again, be true to yourself and others about your experience, knowlege, skill, and desires. And when you say you are going to do something, follow through. Dont leave them hanging, because that will send a sub into a drop faster than anything else, because they will feel they are being put on the back burner

Find a mentor. Generally, this would be someone with some experience in the lifestyle. Again, this involves making friends. It all kinda plays in a big circle. The more people you know, the more people you have to learn from, and the faster and better experiences you will learn.

Work on your tone. In the online community, it can be very easy to mistake how you want to portray what you are saying. More often than not, when a young dom starts trying to be "dominant", they tend to come off as cocky and arrogant. You want to avoid that, and the best way to do so would be..... by making friends.... working on your social skills.

I hope this is helpful.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Dec 29, 2017

Depends on the dom.

People often say "it's about experience". But I think the same people that say that lose sight of something very, very important. We all experience events in our lives that define who we are. Events that might at first be outside of BDSM yet nonetheless be the reason we got into it. For example, I have a past of... let's say a lot of bad things happened. Which in turn caused me to ponder "The bad in all of us". Which got me into fearplay and leaning more towards the harsher side of things, strangely enough. While I don't "enjoy" pain I do accept and in some ways crave it due to punishments along with rewards. I "Take the bad with the good" if you will. Which ties in with punishments. But it is because I "Take the bad" in others (and myself) in general (provided I care about them) that this is the case. To cut a long story short consider the events that have happened in your life and why you might be more into the dom side of things. You might discover something about yourself. Get into things you wouldn't otherwise consider when giving things some thought. Without knowing any of that I can't even have an opinion on the matter. I need to know "the dom". Regardless of their age. As such I can only speculate and perhaps offer some advice.

Being direct. I find it helps to compare it to things like "blunt honesty" where you state the logic and facts for what they are. That is a time people tend to be more direct. A sub (and indeed, anyone. though one can give oneself direction too) needs direction and getting the hang of "being direct" can build up the confidence to go "Follow this order". If you can already give an order maybe it will help give a "stranger" order. "Bend over before I knife you". That statement can either be true or not. Can be playful and/also serious in both. It's all in the "tone". The context. Younger people tend to lack confidence. The "harshness of life" tends to build it up. For doms and subs alike.

There's also things like "getting into the subs head" in a positive way. Again, past bad experience. Though that ended well, so perhaps that is the appeal to it. It's something I got very much into in a more positive way. The key subject is trust. Whispering sweet affections while also being told to "let the darkness envelop you and seep into your mind". That kind of thing. Reason I bring this one up is because I know a dom that's in their mid twenties (so basically younger) that is very very good at it. One that had to go through "the harshness of life" though. So they may have gained the skill to do that through other events in their life. Either way it's an example of a younger dom that is also skilled, even if not as young as 18. This dom was also a sub previously. Possibly when they were much younger. Having been on both sides of the fence that probably factors in. Know that there are young people out there that are skilled and work with that. Know that it is indeed possible. That it's possible for you.

So what do I think of a younger dom? Depends on the dom and what they been through. The main factors I look for are "Can they be logical, direct and confidant". A older dom that hasn't yet handled a "rough sub" after spending most of their life on the softer side will have just as little experience then a younger sub that started to gain an interest in that area. If the younger one is more interested then chances are they're going to be more skilled then the older one. The more interested you are in a subject the more you want to learn from it. While you can learn about certain things like "How to tie down a sub", the "How" of it ultimately comes from the personality of the dom and the sub. Perhaps even the heart. The exchange of events between them. What is said and done between each other while it is happening. How that pans out you simply won't know until you're there with the sub in question. But when the time comes you will "know". Though actually doing can be another matter.

A younger/inexperienced dom can have "false starts". This is a tricky one. Basically it circles back to confidence. Pleasing a sub can seem like a big task at times. A dom can struggle to do things and gain ideas (which is resolved with communication. Both with the sub and others in general). This can be scary for a dom that has yet to "gain the skill". Only advice I got here is to not worry about how well you're doing and instead just... do. Provided you know what you're getting into and the risks involved of course. The more you do the better you get at it. even if it doesn't seem like it at first. But with practice comes improvement. Don't get lazy, always aim more for more then the bare minimum and try to enjoy yourself, even if the first or second time feels like "work". Sometimes things need working on in order to become fun. Just don't make it a chore.