Playing with no Committment

Purĕ​(sub female){♥︎loved} • Sep 27, 2023

I think, im a mix of all comments here.

lambsone, You wrote that one of Your Masters said "Don't fall in love with me".
That's normally something I said to my "Partners". Simply because I was scared that they turn into lovey dovey Softies.
I wanted a strict D/s and wasn't seeking a Love Relationship. But I was also new to all of this and inexperienced. The longer I was connected to Him, the more feelings I created for him and vice versa.

Now unowned. Playing without a connection. Was always a hardlimit for me. Until recently. •Did I like it ? It was fun, sure.
•Does it make me happy, no.
•Does it feed the needy Slut in me ? Sure. •Does it satisfy my submissive heart ? Absolutely not.

I didnt really see it as a D/s session, it's more of a kinky version of Friend With Benefit.
I surely obey, but only if I like the idea or command. If I don't like what he wants, I don't do it. He wants me to kneel or address him correctly, depends on my mood.
A behavior I would never in my life have in an actual D/s


When a "Dom" only can talk about Sex or pictures of me while getting to know me, I already categorize him as a Fuckboy. All he wants is sexual pleasure. I dont take them serious.

Re: Playing with no Committment

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Sep 27, 2023

Though i get that it's just terminology for many, i have a cringe response to associating any intimate sexual encounter as "play" (including "role play"). Not making a general judgement, just relating my personal feelings. And, to me, that figures into the crux of these questions (i.e., "personal feelings).

In my studies of physiology i've learned that the part of our brain that experiences feelings (aka "the lizard brain") is the medulla and all info received through our senses goes through that part of the brain before heading to the reasoning portion of our brain. Some theorize that we evolved that way so we'd respond faster to threats (i.e., through emotional response vs reason). i ran a marketing business for many years and the rule of thumb in sales was people buy based on emotion, not reason. my personal experience seems to support that anecdotally.
All the above is just to briefly preface that i personally doubt and question that when it comes to "feeling attached" with the associated "psychological and emotional effects," that we can "turn those off." Again to the (very limited) study evidence, what goes into our brains stays there, and there is some study that suggests that some of those "feelings" get passed on genetically.
Pondering this stuff from my above noted perspective, is it the person we experience attachment to, or is it the experience we had with the person? Tradition largely conditions us towards monogamy. The Disney notion of romance and intimacy is "one true love." And maybe that's even intrinsic? Which came first, the idea or the inclination?
Sorry, lots of random thoughts happening here.
i'm a gay total bottom with some sub thrown in for good measure. i grew up in a culture that conditioned me against being who and how i am, so i tried to fit the expected mold much of my life. As a result, i ended up getting what i needed through very untraditional ways (because those 'ways' were not available to me). i think many, if not most of us, experience life in a similar way, to a lesser or greater degree? We are born and raised into a particular set of 'norms,' which fuels expectations that i think figure into our ideas/conclusions about "attachment." But those norms do not necessarily fit our individual make up. So some of us (consciously or unconsciously, or both) go against the 'norm' to try and find what works, others try to bend their self to fit the 'norm' or standard they hold to.

i think nature demonstrates that life is ever changing, not static. Maybe static is death? i wonder if we look at "attachment" differently, that it's not necessarily a permanent condition. Sort of like breathing, there is a constant motion, change, exchange of O2 and CO2 that is living and breathing?

Okay, i may have gotten way to ethereal here. So sorry (especially to Miki who hates walls of words lol). i'll stop, shut my eyes and push the "post" button.

lambsone • Sep 27, 2023

Thank you for your input Pure. I can see that the craving to be dominated might temporarily override the tendency to attach to the one dominating the submissive. I'm wondering if the dominants themselves have trouble with keeping unattached and if they have some aftercare routine to detach emotionally from the session. Some of the bios I've read appear to be cold hearted dominants, but I really wonder if play sessions penetrate even their shields. Love your last comment. I've met a few of those.

lambsone • Sep 27, 2023

You did fine tallslenderguy. The psychological aspect was something I was thinking of as well. How get around the way we are wired to shut off or deaden our brains and emotions from doing their normal thing to attach and bond. Thank you for your input.

Steellover​(sub male) • Sep 27, 2023

Late to this thread, but I'll try to respond:

I have engaged in kink/Ds play with paid "pros" because, like others have said, that is all that is available to satisfy my unique and non-mainstream sexual urges, and because I am not in any full time relationship (even a vanilla one) at the moment. I would not do so if that was the case. I have even recently blog-posted about the experience, so I won't repeat all of that here but the gist of it was- it may temporarily satisfy my urge for "play time" but in the end, overall, the short term satisfaction isn't enough, and I want a more full time, mutual relationship, even if it's a polyamorous D/s one.

Because there is that tendency as a sub to want to care for my dominant partner, and to even develop romantic feelings toward her as a result of her taking me to psychological spaces that are very intimate and powerful. Which, for a paid pro, is not really a good idea for a number of reasons, mostly because they will never truely reciprocate these feelings and may even try to take advantage of your misplaced emotional attachment.

And, I think a part of that is simply where I am in life, wanting a life partner to fill the void of loneliness, and tired of failed short-term relationships that never evolved beyond just short-term playtime.

lambsone • Sep 27, 2023

I can sympathize with you Steellover. I've read many personal ads here where the person longs for a permanent relationship with their counterpart. So we are not unusual in those desires. At times I have done self bondage combined with masterbation to achieve some type of satisfaction. As an artist, I've even drawn situations that were stimulating to me. And thought up scenarios in my head. So ... Ibthink I read your blog post about the paid Dom and how you longed for her to reciprocate your feelings. It's tough without the right partner, for sure. Just went through a break up myself so I can relate on some level with you. I hope you meet someone soon.

Bunnie • Sep 27, 2023

I think it comes down to whether you want to/have the ability to compartmentalise. This was once very easy for me… in fact I didn’t even know I did it. I could play easily and connect with someone, then walk away and leave everything there. Going deeper down the rabbit hole, however, and breaking down the many barriers I had that allowed for such easy compartmentalisation, brought me to a place where I no longer want to shut parts off. If I experience something I want to experience it wholly… especially the feelings. However… that doesn’t necessarily mean that anything needs to come of that. I simply allow myself to form that bond and feel all the feels, without placing expectations on the other (outside of our agreement). I think that’s the important aspect… the agreement. And if things shift, readdress the agreement.
I’ve walked away from play partners because they wanted more than we agreed on, and I’ve had other situations where I’ve been the one whose feelings shifted towards wanting more. Communicating our boundaries I think is what helps in these situations, because trying to shut off our feelings or avoid developing a bond, to me, is futile in this lifestyle. Why else are we here if not to connect with those we want to connect with? It’s just a matter of understanding how we connect and respecting the depth of which we all seek, and trying to find a middle ground that nourishes everyone involved. And we achieve that through ongoing, honest communication.

lambsone • Sep 27, 2023

Very true Bunnie. I like your use of the word nourishing all involved. That does take good, open, and honest communication. I agree with you on that. Thanks for sharing your experience and thoughts.

I'mME • Sep 28, 2023

Topeka,

So that would be a Top/bottom situation in your opinion ?

ChillVibes​(sub male) • Sep 28, 2023

When I was younger and just coming onto the scene I thought that ‘no commitment’ sounded like fun, but I also hadn’t really explored the nuances of polyamory and didn’t realize that ‘commitment’ and ‘exclusivity’ are not the same thing.

Having a rapport with someone and building a relationship is part of what makes kink fun; learning about each other, someone’s likes and dislikes is what gives a scene good chemistry in my opinion. That relationship can be solely based around kink or not, people can discuss their individual needs and expectations and enjoy each other on the terms they’ve agreed too.

I think a lot of people lack that ability to discern the two, or maybe people are afraid of commitment. I certainly fell into both of those categories at different points in my life. Regardless, I think a healthy understanding of one’s self is paramount and it wasn’t until I learned what I wanted that I was able to navigate the scene in a way that was truly enjoyable to me. I still find that I’m capable of casual ‘noncommittal’ play, and I think as long as someone is emotionally mature enough to engage and disengage honestly there’s isn’t really a drawback, I personally have more fun with someone I can build genuine chemistry with though.