The Dom Construction Kit

The Dom Construction Kit

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Nov 2, 2023

A request for input from anyone, of any orientation and persuasion....

I have over many weeks been chatting to a gentleman not on thecage, who is looking to learn to be a dominant. He is engaging with folk, and looking to learn. I offered a while back to help him in his learning (something I have done in the past) by listening, sharing my experiences and thoughts as he engages with ladies and learns the ropes.

The facts/givens: he's a genuinely nice guy, sincere , in his sixties, smart, astute, keen and quick to learn. He is more interested in the mental side than the physical. His last relationship was with a submissive lady who introduced him to this world, but he is in no way sadistic. She described him as 'a pleasure dom'.

I've shared of course about online and book material.

But I thought to put the question here. What would you say to a guy who you thought had potential? What would you say your key requirements are, within Ds? If you believe there are in fact any. What are you looking to demonstrate as a dominant? How do you learn, as a dominant? As a submissive, what key qualities or behaviours would you say are essential? In order to want to, or be able to, submit?


All thoughts welcomed.

shebakesalot​(sub female) • Nov 3, 2023

Communication. Communication. Communication. Be willing to communicate. Be open and honest in your communication. That's my #1 thing

LordofPain56 • Nov 3, 2023

As far as the mental side; self-confidence (NOT egotism), and persistence are main traits in a Dominant personality. Another telltale sign is the persons past record. Did they accomplish what they set out to do in accordance with their plan? If the answer is yes many times over, I think that's a sure sign. It means that the person had a knowledge base to start with and had the ability to put it to full use.
Can one "train" to obtain these qualities, when he did not originally possess them? I don't know. We all do (or we should) train during our lives to improve ourselves in many ways (including improving our character to be better people). That DOES mean that we should examine our own character traits and learn how to throw out the bad traits and replace them with good traits; ex (patience, honesty, forgiveness, mild temperedness and many more).
So, can we apply the same tactics used in self-improvement to turn a passive person into a Dominant? I don't know.

Miki • Nov 3, 2023

The key phrase that jumped out at me was "your key requirements"--- while you can certainly do that, also tell the guy that while that is what you expect, it may not be what others might expect. Everyone is different, of course, even in subtle ways.

Through it all, I'd say if he is interested in this stuff, he is the one best suited to decide where he would fit in, how he would like to go about it by way of talking to others of like mind, reading literature or personal blogs on the subject , and dabbling in a bit of "trial and error"--- If New Sub runs away, tweak the approach and try again. Unfortunately as the guy is in his 60s, he's a bit long in the tooth for too much trial and error.

Other than that there isn't really a "dom construction kit". The development of a successful dominant half of a dynamic is up to the would-be dominant in question.

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At least you didn't say "Dom building kit"..... We're done with Halloween but the reference is always valid.

In 1818 a chick by the name of Mary Shelley wrote a book about a mad doctor who tried to build a man.

As I recall from the story, that project didn't work out too well.

House Talion​(dom male) • Nov 3, 2023

He needs to understand the fundamental aspects of hiw this lifestyle really works as compared to the flashy way its expected to be.

LordofPain56 • Nov 4, 2023

Are you talking about "Frankenstein"?
Didn't read the book but loved the comedy movie version starring Gene Wilder and Teri Garr.
BTW, they didn't play it on TV this halloween season. Bummer! I would have watched it again.

ThomasVa • Nov 4, 2023

There have numerous conversations about can one be taught to be Dominant ( or submissive ). There are as many opinions as there has been conversations. I think that if a man is confident, has great self esteem and willing to learn he might be able to mold himself enough to satisfy your desire. I think the test will come with the one he desires. She has the ability to make it work. Set the bar to high….and he will fail. Set the bar too low and she will not be satisfied.
Just my humble opinion.

I'mME • Nov 4, 2023

LordofPain,

If one has never been around language such as dominant, submissive, kinky things which these days I see less and less kinky, too much other, labels are moot.
To label this man passive is a fallacy, perhaps he has always led in his relationships.
D/s is not about control it's about a relationship (one leads the other follows), one where the final decision rests with the leader.

I'mME • Nov 4, 2023

HouseofTalion,

What are the fundamental aspects?

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Nov 8, 2023

I have this year created and run 4 MASTERclass (Aim to be better ) workshops in person with a group of individuals some new to the scene, some that have been around for a while, all agreed it was a great experience!
The course with full notes and workshops took them through many areas including communication, negotiation, consent, personal safety, scene setting, impact play, sensuous play, aftercare and a whole host of other subjects !

I could I guess share the notes on each workshop by email should your friend wish to have them !