getting back into the lifestyle

B L O N D I E​(sub female) - Safe words and consent aren't just for subs. Dominants have limits, too, and if you are feeling that way, you should stop yourself before you do something that would cross a line for you. If I was in your situation, I would slow things way down and make sure that you are always staying in control of yourself during scenes. The other thing you might want to consider is to add more talk during a scene. I find that dirty talk is a great way to continuously reestablish consent while a scene is going on. "Do you want this? Tell me you want this. Beg me for it." This is a great way to ensure that she really does want it and it also gives you a tool to pull yourself back from doing something you think might be questionable. If she says, "Yes, I want it. Please do it to me," you can still say no and make it a part of the scene. You can tease her with it and withhold it by saying, "I'm not sure you really want it," or "I don't think you deserve it" in a playful way so that the experience is heightened for both of you but you don't cross any of your lines. This will ensure that you always stay in control and that you don't cross limits either for yourself or for her.

Second suggestion is to constantly use aftercare to touch base with her and make sure she's okay with everything you did. This will reassure you that you didn't cross any lines and will also provide aftercare for you so you don't feel guilty for doing the things you enjoy. I hope this helps. Peace out.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} - Blondie, I had NEVER thought of dirty talk that way! It's GENIUS!!!! Thank you for giving me a different perspective!!!

I'd always viewed the "beg me for it" talk was pointless, humiliating, and degrading. Good lord! What you shared is a BEAUTIFUL way to communicate continued consent without breaking the scene! ❤️❤️

B L O N D I E​(sub female) - Thank you

LongerJohnny​(dom male) - Thank you B L O N D I E for saying something that I have been saying for years - safewords are for Doms too! I am pleased to know that there are others that recognize that. And not just because we have our own limits, but because we have to able to judge if/when a sub is beyond a point where she can no longer invoke her own safeword, for example if she is deep in subspace and is just not clear-headed enough to make that call. That's a time for a Dom to use his own safe word OR hers.

I disagree with the rest of what you said though.

I could not possibly be more absolutely in favor of communication. Spending as much time as possible prior to any interaction negotiating and getting to know each other. Of course aftercare is always a must. And one should never hesitate to check in with their partner(s) at any time, especially if there may be a concern about someone crossing a boundary.

But why would the judgement of any person involved be more reliable in the moment if they are talking dirty as opposed to just being direct? In fact, it seems that that is the worst time to rely on ambiguous words and phrases and hints for the same reasons we use safewords in the first place - because words like "No" and "Stop" and "Don't" etc. can too easily be misconstrued in the moment. So could inadvertently giving the wrong ideas, or even issuing instructions in the moment by using "dirty talk."

For example, a Dom might be concerned that he is pushing his sub too hard so (using your example) in an attempt to check in with her he may tell her to "beg for it." She may beg him - but what if she does so only because he instructed her to? What if he said "Tell me you want this" so she did exactly as she was told - not because she did in fact want it, but because he told her to? The results could be opposite what are intended.

Additionally, it is still a relative thing. If a Dom or sub is inclined to push past (or not recognize) a limit they may still be inclined to do so whether or not they get there today or tomorrow, slowly or over time. It's less about easing into it than it is about how likely they will always be to pass or continue to just miss it. That's where the communication part is so vital, and why it must always be very clear and not at all ambiguous.

B L O N D I E​(sub female) - I appreciate your point and I agree with you. I suppose it's a question of context. For example, if it's a question of something the dominant already knows the sub wants, then the dirty talk isn't acting a substitute for consent negotiations because that would already have happened before the scene. The OP mentioned that he already knows his wife is into it and the problem is getting past his own fear of going too far. I wasn't suggesting that dirty talk act as an in-scene consent negotiation but rather as a failsafe for him to continually check in with his own limits and ensure that he's comfortable with what he's about to do. It also acts to slow the scene down so that he can ensure that he's staying in control of himself. As another example, asking "Do you want this?" in a scene isn't instructing his sub to do anything but merely asking a question. Since they would already have discussed beforehand that she enthusiastically wants whatever it is, asking is just a formality and encouraging him to do it in the moment. Similarly, instructing her to say she wants it or to beg for it isn't providing consent since, as you said, the scene isn't the place for that. It's a trigger mechanism for him to put aside his fear and do what they both already know they want to do. I hope that makes sense.

B L O N D I E​(sub female) - I just thought of this after posting the previous comment and thought I'd add it. There is this concept in the lifestyle of building up a sub's pain tolerance by starting with play that is relatively tame and increasing the stimulus to push the sub's limits over time. This concept can also be applied to dominants where you start with a stimulus that you know is okay and that you're comfortable with. Then you slowly increase it over time so that YOU are comfortable and YOU feel safe administering it regardless of whether she's ready for something more intense. This will also ensure that you don't do anything you might regret later on. I hope this helps.

Sir Gim​(dom male) - thank yall for all of your responses and I will most definitely work on all of this.