Silent Observations

As I woke this morning I felt happy but slightly empty. How can you be both happy and empty? Well not empty but lonely. Yet again I am surrounded by people and have regular contact with friends. I receive love and yet I still feel the same. How? I know how? Because a large part of me is missing. No not the person, although I miss him dearly. I am not that much of a sap. It is the submission I miss. The giving. Not sexually but mentally and emotionally. The feeling of belonging completely to someone who cherishes my gift. So it leaves me feeling lost and a little lonely. Drifting through my day without a purpose. Yes I have other important things to do but they do not satisfy my need.

This is not an invitation for people to try and own me. Because that is not going to happen. I don't need you to satisfy my sexual needs. I have that already. It is more the realization of what submission means to me. It is more than my kinky thoughts. It is the feelings deep inside that becomes satisfied by giving all of myself to someone. And belonging. Finding that safe place. Feeling the strength of another both mentally, emotionally and yes eventually physically. For them to see and discover who I really am and help to pull me out of myself. Because in RL I hide who I am and it is exhausting but necessary.

I desire to find how much I can give (because I have an idea). To find my person to whom I belong and in return they belong to me. The dominant is just as much a gift to me as I am to them. So I continue on my day, trying to stay distracted from my inner thoughts and yearnings. Because right now they are unattainable until i sort out my life....... baby steps

So last night I popped my Munch and Play Party bubble in one fowl swoop. I attended an all female munch at a Master's private dungeon which he hires out and has his own private parties in weekly.
The event was an hours drive away but I chose this one because it felt right. It was all females, private, had demos and the timing suited me. So i had no excuse. I started this year with the intention of experiencing and learning as much as i could. To not hide behind my computer screen and actually get a chance to feel and submit in person.

The event was organized by a Domme who was friends with the Master and she set a dress code standard of best kink wear, lingerie or nude. So I worked out my outfit of a corset, short skirt and stay up stockings.
I should have been nervous but as I did my make up and my hair i was just excited. My nerves didn't kick in until I pulled into the car park in an industrial estate and spotted a lady in full leather entering the only lit up door in the area. I breathed a sigh of relief that I was actually in the right place lol. I was more worried about rocking up to the wrong place all dressed up.
I was greated with a warm smile by a lady in her 50's sitting at the front desk in a mans business shirt fully unbuttoned to show her breasts, short leather skirt and fishnets. My hand was shakey as i paid for my entry. Another lady dressed in red bra and panties with a fishnet dress on (who i learned later was the slave of the Mistress holding the event) took me by the arm and gave me the tour of the dungeon.
It was set elegantly in an industrial building with the Masters quarters upstairs. There was a medical play area, high impact area, wax play area, lounge area for chatting, four poster bed, outdoor smoking area and a kitchen/bar. It was low lit and intimate and it completely relaxed me when I walked in. The glass of champaign they gave me helped as well.
The ladies were all lovely and there was quiet a few of us novices there. The Domme of Honor (who did the demo) gave a talk on safety and consent with a Q&A session at the end). It was not a formal event it was relaxed were we could all converse freely and ask questions.
Then the needle play demo began. Needle play is not my thing but I was interested to watch. It was great to see the attention she was giving the submissive as she places large peacock feathers to her behind. The end product was a beautiful tailed ass that when she laughed or flexed her butt the feathers fluttered.
Once she was taken care of the more experienced ladies stripped of the little clothing they wore and started to play. I observed a lady in the stocks being whipped, and made to cum with a multitude of toys.
I also had the opportunity to experience my first flogging. The Domme that approached by myself and another sub that I had previously been talking with asked if we wanted to try. She was perfect for my first experience. She started gently with a leather soft paddle that also had a fluffy side. She then moved through 2 sets of velvet floggers and 1 heavier flogger for me to experience the difference. And surprise surprise I loved the heavier one across my shoulders. While fixed to the cross I felt i was completely relaxed and in tuned to her rythm. Stopping constantly to check on me, show me the next tool and feel it sensually on my skin. Finishing with a paddling with a harder round paddle. My back and butt nicely pink but only slightly warm. Giving me the perfect first experience.

After we had cups of tea and all huddled in the lounge area laughing and talking, some having after care and me personally finding my nice comfortable spot on the floor.
I'm so happy i went and chose this as my first experience. I felt so comfortable with the people and not pushed to try anything. The ladies had appreciation for all of us and it was lovely. And oh yes the Master did sneak in and say hello when he was supposed to be gone lol

I guess that it shouldn't be surprising that on such a busy day, when i have time to myself, my mind kicks in and sad thoughts seep through. But i also relish these times. I almost like missing him because it still means in some strange way i am connected. And I sit and wonder if he misses me too. If he is aching like I am. Or if I am not even given the pleasure of being a fleeting thought. Cause I think of him when I wake, when I dress, when I make my tea the way he likes, when I hear the birds, when I think of something that I instantly want to share but can't. So today I have had a good day. But now in the silence I can not silence my mind.

So I turn to my medicine. To making my body hurt in a good way to try push out the bad. Lift more, run faster, push harder and as my weight plates say do it Again Faster. To turn my rough emotional seas to a calming ocean.

There is nothing to regret, there is no hate. I wanted a chance to be lead and to grow and that is exactly what happened. Growth is not always easy. Actually usually it is uncomfortable, almost painful but for this i thank you. I miss you like crazy but i thank you.

Happy International Woman's Day!

To all the beautiful, powerful, suggestive, sexy, dominant, funny, sarcastic, intelligent, bratty, submissive, overbearing, driven, sensual woman. I wish you all happiness and joy in whatever you desire. Feed the fire within and do what makes you happy. Below made me giggle.

"There is a price to be paid for every increase in consciousness. We can not be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain" - Alan Watts

Once the heaviness starts to lift I see how truly lucky i am.
I am lucky to have experienced something beautiful, powerful and challenging. Lucky to have found a safe place to grow and learn, however long that was for.
Even though I am hurting now I can see how beautiful it was. This should make me mad. Should make me cry. But all it does right now in this moment is smile.

Smile at his cheekiness, his outlandishness and his loving caring side. I smile because I feel fortunate to have experienced all of them truthfully and unrestrained. These experiences help me even now and I know they will continue to. His lessons that guided and provided structure will stay with me always. Ooohhh the rules that i loved. The control that I craved. The acceptance that he gave. Just like my fond memories of him.

Life is hard and cruel but it also helps release you of your inhabitions and develop that little bit more. It is how you take these experiences and use them to yr benefit that counts.
Thank you for all the lovely words they are greatly appreciated and needed.

Much thoughtful love

Star 

Just a little something I made

I love a man's hands.

They hold everything I need. They are strong but can yeild the softest touch. The deliverer of pleasure or pain. The ability to make me feel safe and secure. To give my skin goosebump, to tantalise my senses but also to hold me strongly and controlled. A firm grip on my throat. To hold down my wrists. To pinken my skin. They have the ability to tell me what your thinking without a word. To display your love or show your disappointment.

With your hands I can also show you how you affect me. Kissing your palm to show my affection or sucking on your fingers to display my thoughts and desires. Holding it to my skin to transfer my love.

They craddle children and deliver punishment. They work hard to create a living and show the life you have led. They offer promise and assistance. Craft with care

So yes I love a man's hands. Strong Safe and Secure.

The last few months have been a gradual test for me. Starting with small struggles of longing and learning patience. To it seeping through the cracks and effecting other elements of my life. As my tests now reach higher, I am hoping I am nearly at the top. (Although I doubt im even half way yet lol)

I have tried very hard to keep parts of my life seperate and I now see that was a nieev, innocent and a painful mistak. The mistake being that I could be two people. Or maybe three or four. To please everyone constantly, because well it is just simply my nature to do that. To please and to try fix issues by making others happy. I am learning though that this is a bandaid effect and only comes back worse later. For me to be truly happy there is only one person I need to please. That is myself. If I can not be true to myself and happy within, my demons will only come back with a vengeance. When I get questioned about my reasons I want to be confident and calm in knowing I did the best I could.

I have beat my self down and built myself back up, over and over again in more than just one element of my life. I have analysed, cried and become indifferent. I've been a volcano and then emotionless.
I've also grown closer to some amazing people. Who help me and keep me settled while I process, question, battle and look for derection. You all know who you are and I think you are all so special.

This evolution of my life I know is not over just yet. And I know I am in for many more happy and painful surprises. But I will try my best to stay true to myself. To not try fit in any "boxes" and to trust my heart and my gut will help pull me through, while my head is a hurricane.

Realising all this has been a struggle but also a blessing. A experience of learning to let go. Of stress. Of lost love. Of a unrealistic future. And embrace change with open arms.

Perspectives change.

Life evolves.

My patience has grown.

My heart has grown.

My needs have changed

My desires are forever evolving 

And although I have days of    dismay I have strength in laughter and love. So thank you all. Xxx