Silent Observations

I am a person who has a big heart and I feel a lot. Sometimes this leads me to trouble. It is a way for my insecurities to filter through and play tricks on my mind. Turning something small into something twisted and horrible.

I am needy....... It took a long time for me to recognize and accept that fact. I need contact constantly. I like to know I am being thought of.  Messages and letters make me so very happy. I used to feel this quality was a curse. Cursed to constantly feel and over think. Cursed to question and then feel remorse over my neediness.

But now my opinion has changed. My neediness makes things quite simple. I thought that wanting and needing someone was a flaw. But really it makes me easily satisfied. Give me your attention and you will be rewarded. When my needs are met I give my all in return. You receive my openess and undivided attention.

Don't miss understand my desires. I am comfortable being by myself. Infact I enjoy my ME time, and I have many things that keep me preoccupied. However when you enter my heart and consume my mind, I can not help but crave more of you. And that is how it should be.

I am not a lot of work. I am not difficult or closed off. I am simply heartfelt.

I will no longer see my Need as something to be ashamed of. Because I am not ?. But i will try to not let my insecurities be born from my need.  I will stay true to the words you have spoken and instead try to learn patience and build upon our trust.

Much thoughtful love

Starlight

Courage comes in many forms at the strangest of times. Found in our most insecure moments.

Courage to know what is right and to stand up for it. Knowing what is good for you and chasing after it. Or holding on so tight that you feel you cant breathe.

Courage to walk away from things that are damaging to you either emotionally, mentally or physically. Even if walking away seems like the hardest thing to do, yet feels so right at the same time.

I'm currently being tested on more than one boundary. Coming at me from multiple sides. Pulling in both directions. Sometimes I do not feel strong enough but that little inner voice keeps telling me that this is right. All I can do is hope she is right, and keep true.

So to all those struggling like me, please know that you are not alone. Use your support network. Don't let yr own thoughts destroy you. Breathe, keep doing what yr gut says is right and have patience. Above all smile, be happy and worry less. I say these words to remind myself as well lol

THESE ARE NOT MY WORDS - The differences between an Introvert and an Extrovert. I found this article while doing some self-discovery. I am interested to know though which you identify with, and if you agree with the way they categories the two. I know that I am an introvert and most of these aspects are spot on for me. I face many challenges being this way, but I am learning to accept them and to be true to myself. Just my random thought for the day.

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1.     PROCESSING CIRCUMSTANCES. One of the biggest differences between introverts and extroverts is how they process circumstances. Introverts can be described as internal processors - their thoughts are always going, circulating, evaluating, and concluding. They may appear to be silent but their minds are loud and active. Extroverts are outside thinkers, i.e. verbal processors. They think outside of themselves, make decisions with others, verbalized a situation, and manage conflict through verbal communication. A good way to think of it is introverts = inward focused, extroverts = outward focused.

2.     REJUVENATION A main difference between introverts and extroverts is what energizes them and allows them to be relaxed and rejuvenated. For introverts, this usually means a good book and alone time to recharge. For extroverts, this generally means interaction with friends and family. Whatever causes you to be comfortable with who you are and how you're wired, that's how you determine what energizes you

3.     CHANGE. Without enough notice, introverts do not like change. There's always a plan, a focused set of goals to accomplish and it's hard to stray from those plans and goals without feeling uneasy and overwhelmed. Extroverts tend to "go with the flow" more readily, are spontaneous, and adapt to change easier. Keep in mind that one personality is not better than the other, just different. Introverts are more task-oriented while extroverts are more people-oriented. And each type of person needs to be cared for properly. We cannot change who we are wired to be.

4.     FRIENDSHIP. While extroverts tend to over-share their thoughts and aspects of their lives with many friends, introverted people don't like to share their inner world with a lot of people. Friendship plays a key role in this personality difference because introverts generally have 1-2 close friends who they share deep and intimate parts of their lives with. Extroverts tend to have lots of friends and have more superficial relationships, or they share intimate parts of their lives with several close friends.

5.     NEW SITUATIONS. Introverts need time to mentally process new situations before they dive in and interact with people. Even once the feel at ease with a new setting, they will probably walk away feeling drained and needing time to recharge alone at home. That can entail reading a book they enjoy or maybe a movie, but that doesn't include interaction with people. For extroverts, a new setting can be exciting - especially if they meet new people and are able to make good connections. An extrovert will probably leave feeling energized and recharged.

6.     NEW PEOPLE. It's easier for extroverts to engage in and draw out a connection from new people. They don't have to share similarities with a new person to connect well. Introverts choose their friendships and time spent carefully. Usually the people they surround themselves with are people of similar intellect and interests.

7.     APPEARANCE AND SPCIAL ARRANGEMENT. Sometimes you can tell different personality traits by simply observing how a person dresses or how their home/office is arranged! Introverts are more simple and practical - they most likely would wear neutral tones and have clean, minimalistic home or office spaces. Extroverts might wear more colorful or eye-catching items and have a more inviting, cluttered and cozy office or living space.

8.     COMBINED TRAITS. As I mentioned in the introduction, shyness isn't necessarily associated with introversion but with fear. I am an extrovert but find myself being shy in certain situations. I HATE public speaking while my husband, an introvert, thrives on it. It's best not to categorize yourself or others as being only introverted or only extroverted because it can certainly vary. It's more about dominate characteristics and where you thrive most as a person.

9.     COMPROMISE. You might have a best friend or spouse who's completely different than you as far as what energizes them. That's okay! Introverts and extroverts need understanding and respect from others who differ, and space to let them shine. Don't try to force introverts to be extroverted or vice versa! We are all wired differently and it's good to understand that and reach compromises. If you want your best friend to go to a party with you and she's an introvert, pay attention to her needs to process and observe first! And maybe next time you can have a quiet girls night in.

A good way to determine how you fall on the scale of introversion and extroversion is to take a personality test! Remember that it's rare to be an extreme on either side. Most of us have a little of both personality traits with one dominating.

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Instead on focusing on others, focus on yrself....... I have a mother hen complex, which has it's place but can be restricting of my own happiness. I let other peoples issues affect me when I shouldn't. In saying that my door is always open, but i will not be taking it all to heart.

Spending some time away has been great. And I return to find not much has changed. Instead of spending so much of my time in chat I will use my time more wisely. Talking, reading and researching. I will still be there just not all the time.

This year I will focus more on MY dreams and desires. I will try to better improve myself through reading, researching and new experiences. I will trust in the guidance from my Sir, to take me from my colour of green (new) to a lovely shade of red. I will dream. I will have a voice and speak up. If there are elements of my life I am not happy with I will take steps to change that instead of saying what if. I will laugh more and stress less.

So much has happened in 2017 and it has started a domino effect, that of which I have no desire to change. I feel happy and focused now that I have direction and love on my side.

This is not a new years resolution. This is an acceptance of the things to come. To see with clear eyes and hear with an open heart. To trust. To dream. To love

Often as a submissive I feel kneady. I feel like I demand too much of my doms attention. I miss. I crave. And I try my best to restrain myself from being too full on lol. It has taken me a little while to realize this is not a curse but a blessing. Only when with the right person. With a person that craves me as much as I do them.

After a conversation in chat I felt there was a side point to this dynamic that is often looked over or not even thought about. All of us in chat were in agreement how important it is, but i thought it was worth sharing here too. That is the feelings of my Sir. It is a grave misconception that a good strong dominant is emotionless. That they feel nothing. I have found that it is the complete opposite to this. Someone who says they are not effected by yr attention or love is not worthy of it. Your presence should affect them plain and simple. If they do not communicate this is a big red flag for me now, after learning that the hard way. They should be open and honest. With the right person a sub should be able to break through her doms walls and they should be just as attention hungry as you. The need to feel wanted and loved is not one sided. To be in a D/S dynamic IS a relationship. Yes life can get in the way but do not forget to let those near you know how important they are. Whether they are your dominant, your submissive, your slave, your family or your friends. Everyone likes to feel appreciated

The difference between simply existing and really living.

Life is tricky and complicated. I am a person who hates to disappoint and will often put others wishes before my own. This is the way it should be sometimes. As a mother. And I'm learning as a good submissive. What happens though when your wishes and desires are ignored for a prolonged amount of time? Either ignored by yourself, those around you or both. You end up just EXISTING. Existing in a world that you created. A world that society tells you this is what you want, this is what is acceptable, this is who you are. But it's not.

I often have these little moments of awakening and take a tiny little step closer towards LIVING. It fills me up and puts my soul at easy. At least for a little while. Until i learn and want more. Like taking a deep breath when swimming through the ocean, I will always need to come back up for air.

It is a slow and sometimes hurtful experience. Undoing the strong holds and the ropes that bind me in my vanilla world. Conscious of the effects on the ones I love who surround me. So I just keep treading water and hopeful that one day I can make it back to the white sandy beaches. That the pull of the tide will be enough.

Right now I might be exposing too much of myself on here. But these are regular thoughts and feelings that plague me. I found a place that I want to explore, that is exciting and comforting at the same time. Taking baby steps is still moving forward and I take great comfort in that. Right now my life is about finding the balance on a ever changing seesaw 

In this strange and kinky world I find having genuine friendships invaluable. Whether it is for guidance from both doms and subs in chat, or lending an ear to listen to concerns to those who can make you smile when you feel down. If it was not for the friendships created I would still be lost trying to find my right path. And I would not have found my wonderful Sir.
Although my path is still revealing itself to me, those of you that help me make it seem easier. Knowing that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings that I go through is encouraging. That my situation is more normal than I realised. So to all the knowledgeable dominants and big hearted submissives who offer me your thoughts I thank you. Without you I would be lost xxx

Feeling thankful for my Sir tonight. Laying in my bed, my thoughts as always at this time reviewing my day. Opening up my thoughts for you to see. Yr demeanor making the words flow with no filter required. I should be scared to open up so much but with you it is natural.

With so much to learn I am hungry for what you have to show me.
I'm thankful for your guidance, your dominance and control.
Thankful for your kindness and patience of which you have shown plenty.
Overwhelmed by your love and commitment.
Your desire to help me learn and grow safely. Always checking on my welfare, my physical safety and my mental health.
Thank you for your rules which I treasure. Letting me show you how much you mean to me.
Your ability to take my limits and make them crumble. Replacing them with self confidence and a strength I was unaware was there. And I am sure this will only grow.

In a such a short time you mean so much to me. I'm thankful you found me when I needed you most. What we have is not perfect but it is perfect for us. So thank you Sir for accepting me as I am ????

I wanna learn the drums just so I can play System of a Down - Toxicity and pretty much every Metallica song

Oh and why is it that watching little 4 and 5 year old kids smash out these songs, pulling their best metal faces make me smile so wide. When I grow up I wanna be just like those kids