Silent Observations

Breaking the hold of a dominant is hard. Weeks and yes even months after being by myself I still found I was clinging to the rules and the rituals, sometimes without realizing. Still seeking that approval in any form I could get it. Because they brought me comfort and still installed hope. I don't see this as a bad thing, more stage of recovery that is required to be able to move on.

I was fortunate enough to find a person to shelter and guide me. To take me on when I did not think I was up to scratch. I was hurt and uninterested but with a calm patience I was settled. My mind put to ease and a peaceful warm blanket was wrapped around me.

Enough that last night I finally let go. I felt those things I was subconsciously clinging to where no longer required. It was a weight lifted that I thought I had broken free from. I no longer seek the approval of a ghost or to hear a single word. It is calming. I am light once more.

When most of us discover this world it is exciting and liberating. To find other like minded people who enjoy the same twisted things that you like lol. The vanilla world can feel rather conforming and restrictive and for many their fantasies and private rituals are their escape.

After talking with a friend today who is struggling a little something occurred to me, which many of you have probably already figured out. Our little BDSM world can sometimes feel just as restrictive. To find that you do not necessarily fit properly in some of the boxes. A submissive, a dominant, a switch and many more. Even one that you have identified with for years can all of a sudden make no sense.

Many find they are not only a bottom but also a top. That they can give love to more than one person (seeking open relationships) and can only submit to one while being dominant to others. When you no longer fit as a Top or Bottom but find yourself an Other it can be confusing.

People also tend to place these titles upon us no matter who we are. When really, this is all about finding what works for you. And as we always say your kink is not my kink and that is ok. But sometimes when people label you and you say weeeeelllllll I'm kinda that but im also a pinch of this and a splash of that then all of a sudden your unacceptable (for many not all). You will get called a fake, a slut, a player or a time waster when really yr just trying to find your path.

The only way i see for this to improve is with honesty. If you find yourself in this place. Simply be honest at the start. Nobody should (although some will) get mad or disappointed with you if your open. And most importantly be honest with yourself. The idea of not fitting where you once stood or that the role you now have is not fulfilling you enough, then be honest with yrself. Love yourself. And the right person or people will come your way (with time and a lot of trial and error).

We always talk of acceptance. We all find new discoveries or are constantly evolving. This can be hurtful and no one is harder on you than your own mind. So if someone doesn't fit into your checklist of what you want and they are open about that from the start, please wish them well and move on. Cause this shit is hard but essentially we are all after the same thing. A place to belong

Guess what that makes them human. We all trip, stumble or even fall ass over. Does this mean I am lazy at walking. Hell no. I just need to learn to not drag my feet.

Or maybe someone deliberately tripped me.

Stuck out their foot to watch me stumble. Maybe, just maybe that someone was my inner self. Trying to sabotage my catwalk.

I had my heals on, my head high and focused on the front. Then that bitch got jealous and wanted to see what would happen. Well you know what happens. I catch my feet. I stand back up. I glare at that wench as she settles back in her place and keep walking. 

Be kind to one another, we are all learning.

Sometimes I have a ulterior ego. She and I like to sit and talk sometime. But most the time we argue. See we don't see eye to eye. And I don't always listen to her. We are very different and it makes me wonder how two people can live in one place. Lately she has been winning our fights and I'm not sure if I have always been her or if she is me. She takes more risks but also fills me with self doubt. I am unsure, when she is jumping in head first. It makes for interesting conversations at our table. I feel I'm loosing my will to fight her. I just cant be bothered anymore. And she is sitting there smiling at me smugly

The power of your voice.

The softness that reassures me and greets me in the morning. It purrs with my snuggles and sweet morning kisses.

That growl that prevokes me. Sending goosebumps down my spine. When it drops down an octave to let me know you mean business. Whispering in my ear, before the bite, before the lick, before that kiss.

Its melody and smoothness. It invades my sleep and haunts me through the day. Makes my heart leap at the breif sound.

The ability to control me with a flick of yr tongue. To make me squirm at the thought of where that mouth has been.

The slight trembles that let me know I excite you. That I'm wanted. That Im desired. That I'm yours ........ Oh that magical voice......

Guilt is a powerful emotion. It can move mountains and crumble soldiers.

Like most submissives I like to please. Even in my everyday life to people whome i do not submit to. If that makes sense. I try my hardest to see a positive in most things and at a minimum at least learn a lesson from a bad situation. But guilt is one I struggle to find a good outcome from or a positive message.

How can you learn from guilt?

When other people put their expectations or desires upon you, and deliberately guilt you to see their side or to do what they wish. Yes it is selfish but in a way we all do it. Friends, family and employers. Feeding off of my typical nature. And they may even justify it saying it is because they love you or they think that it is best. Adding manipulation to the dirty mix. (My parents for example are great at this)

So the only leason I have learned so far is how to try and rise above the strong hold that guilt often forms around my throat. To learn to be more selfish. Not arrogant. Not disrespectful. Simply learning to say no, because I dont want to. To speak up and be honest. To accept that my wishes, thoughts and feelings are just as important and valued. Even if only to myself.

I also think that guilt can be addictive. Sometimes I use it as an excuse to keep me stagnant or as a sheild to keep myself from being hurt further. Even guilting myself over things that i just should not worry about. So this is my goal for myself. To not let guilt hold me so tight. It will always have a place in my lufe as I feel it keeps me grounded.

So a little cuddle is ok but not with a boa constrictor lol

Today I branded myself for myself.

Ive been thinking of this for a while and was so happy to get it done. I've never had a tattoo and I'm not the skull and crossbones type either. I'd chosen a simple star design made of lines and dots. Delicate and simple. I felt it reflected me well. I laughed with the big, burly, tattoo covered, bearded man who did my tat who seemed like a gentle giant about how technical and difficult my little tattoo was (that's sarcasm btw). It might only be small but to me it is mighty.

It means doing something for myself and of my own choosing. It represents the joy and freedom I have found as a submissive and hopefully my future as I want it. It is my choice and my decision. The freedom to break free from the ideals and restrictions of my vanilla life. When I feel cornered I will look to this to light my way and remind me these choices are mine. Yes I am submissive, yes I enjoy having a Master whom I obey. BUT it is my choice and my choice only. Letting my star shine bright. As my dear friend pointed out to me, I have grown a lot over the last few months. And although growth can often be painful I am happier in the uncomfortable and uncertain than the mundane and unpassionate.
So today was a day for me. A small step that made me so happy I felt I could fly.

Its easy to feel like a cyclone. Like i leave a path of destruction along the way. To take in the feelings of others to fuel my storm. But my path is becoming more clearer now with each hard step forward.

Will it hurt.... oh hell yes. I hate to disappoint people or hurt them, which in turn hurts me. But staying where i am doesn't help anybody. Only masks my pain.
Will I loose people along the way? Most assuredly. They will see me as selfish or just not understand. They will judge me and try to fit me in their boxes so they can analyze me later. But by then I will be gone.
Will I be happy? Thats the plan ?. To stay true to myself. To actually listen to my own desires for once and take control of my own future. Instead of letting life dribble past me, in a place that makes my soul sad. Giving everything i can to please and hold on but for what? Why stay when it only makes me worse...... that never helps anybody.

So I take a deep breath and keep pushing forward. Apologies if I hurt people but explain that this is the path I must take. Trying to minimize the damage I leave. And reach out for the hand trying to help me through....

What does it mean to be sexy or desirable.....

Is it the way you carry yourself. Oozing confidence.
Is it the clothes you wear (or dont).
Maybe it's the way you wear yr hair.
Is it the deep words that you speak and the thoughts you compose.
Is it your caring heart or delightful nature.
The way you bite your lip or shuffle in your seat when you start to get excited.
The smell of your perfume.
The flicker of desire in your eyes.
Is it the shape of your booty or the size of your bust.
Is it being big and beautiful, athletic or petite.
Or the deep yerning to sit at someones feet.
Many things make us sexy. Not just one element. So when you feel the light possibly fade from one remember you have many more things to offer. There are no right or wrong boxes. Being yourself in whatever shape and form that takes from day to day will change. But it is what makes us sexy and desirable. Every detail not just one "flaw". Embrace your qualities and shine

As I woke this morning I felt happy but slightly empty. How can you be both happy and empty? Well not empty but lonely. Yet again I am surrounded by people and have regular contact with friends. I receive love and yet I still feel the same. How? I know how? Because a large part of me is missing. No not the person, although I miss him dearly. I am not that much of a sap. It is the submission I miss. The giving. Not sexually but mentally and emotionally. The feeling of belonging completely to someone who cherishes my gift. So it leaves me feeling lost and a little lonely. Drifting through my day without a purpose. Yes I have other important things to do but they do not satisfy my need.

This is not an invitation for people to try and own me. Because that is not going to happen. I don't need you to satisfy my sexual needs. I have that already. It is more the realization of what submission means to me. It is more than my kinky thoughts. It is the feelings deep inside that becomes satisfied by giving all of myself to someone. And belonging. Finding that safe place. Feeling the strength of another both mentally, emotionally and yes eventually physically. For them to see and discover who I really am and help to pull me out of myself. Because in RL I hide who I am and it is exhausting but necessary.

I desire to find how much I can give (because I have an idea). To find my person to whom I belong and in return they belong to me. The dominant is just as much a gift to me as I am to them. So I continue on my day, trying to stay distracted from my inner thoughts and yearnings. Because right now they are unattainable until i sort out my life....... baby steps