Finding Myself

I’d like to start this blog off with the preface that generally, I'm not a person who seeks out other's faults and nitpicks at them until they bleed out and are weeping at my feet. I leave that for the Doms. ;)

However! It is a pet peeve of mine when others use "l33t sp33k" or "txt chat" in situations where they are not: 1) necessary/needed, or 2) appropriate.

For example, I found in my inbox this morning, after having edited my profile for the first time in a while, a simple message that went along the lines of: 'check title. Interested.'

Now, this message is neither l33t speak nor text chat, I hear you saying! While that is true, it is also covering a third dilemma we have: bad grammar and spelling! The original message, while it cannot be repeated here, did have several glaring spelling errors,

So, what can we do to combat these things? When we are in a day and age where even handwriting isn't being taught in schools anymore, when the everyday kiddo can't tell you how the difference between when they're running late to get their clothes over there.

That's when we become the teachers. The guidance to these people who don't know; but we do it in a kind way - or at least I hope we do. Remember that one is more apt to catch flies with honey than vinegar.

Clap your hands!!!

Sorry, had to finish it! ANNNYWHOOOS, I'm just a happy person today. I know there was a lot of concern over my last blog post and I never really addressed it, but I will assure you all right now, that I am fine and I will be fine. I'm losing weight FOR MYSELF, in a HEALTHY way, I talked to my Physician, the whole nine yards, etc, etc. can we all move on now....

Anyways... Not the point of THIS blog post. This blog is for me to express how happy I am today! Sure I've been depressed and had bad days in the past few months, but things are looking up! I've lost 5 pounds, which my family actually complimented me on!! (and if you know my family you know how rare THAT is) It's a small thing, but for me it's amazing! I'm eating better and feeling better and just doing better as a whole. I still have a while to reach my goal, but I'm still talking to the same guy nearly every day and he encourages me and I feel great about it!

I'm just... happy.

After a while of searching, of both myself and for others, I have come to the conclusion that the one I have been looking for was already there in front of me and I missed the Daddy through the Doms, so to speak.

I won't mention names - I'm not allowed to, for one, and two, I haven't met my goal to prove myself to him yet - And before you all start ranting and raving about how "You shouldn't have to prove yourself to your Dom" - I DO have to prove myself.

I have wrung this Dom out to dry two times before this, unsure of myself and my place in the world. I need to prove to him that I am serious about being true to myself, true to him, and true to this lifestyle.

SOOOOO. On to losing the weight that I've been steadily gaining over the years. How do I do it? He has suggested going on a thousand-calorie diet, but I just find myself not sticking to it. So... I need to exercise more, perhaps? Or one of those "Fad" diets, such as Atkins or Keto?

I don't think I eat "all the time." I don't eat HEALTHILY is the problem. I like spaghettios over real spaghetti, for example. I like chips over vegetables. That kind of thing.

What would everyone recommend for losing weight? Keep yourself busy? I try, but I find myself 'hungry' during busy times.... hmmm maybe I"m just bored and need to learn what is bored and what is hungry.

Now, obviously some people read my blogs and that's great. I wouldn't write it if I didn't want it read. But seriously? The very thing I was complaining about in my last post was people not wanting to get to know me before jumping into whatever dynamic they want. And what DMs do I get immediately after people read it?

"I wanna be your dom"

"I'll cure your loneliness, just submit to me"

And so on. Like Seriously? I don't even respond to people who do that anymore. So, if you want to truly get to know me, tell me a little about yourself - no not about what you're like as a dom, what your kinks are, so on. If you've filled out your profile the right way, I can get that stuff from your profile. No, I want to know what your interests are outside of BDSM.

What do you like to do in your free time/what are your hobbies? (BESIDES BDSM!!!)

Do you like to read books or do you prefer reading online or listening to audio books? (If you don't read at all consider yourself not compatible.)

What movie/book/music genres do you like? (Any or all of these!!!)

Do you have pets? If so, what kind?

Do you have children, are/were you married?

So on and so forth! I want to get to know YOU before I get to know the Dom.

To keep it fair, let me answer those questions myself!

I love to play video games in my spare time, as well as play dungeons and dragons! Wednesdays I play a D&D Campaign Module known as one of the hardest campaigns in the books, Curse of Strahd. We stream the game at twitch.tv/chaoticcalling! Drop by and say hello, that Syr sent you! I'd love to talk nerdy with you.

I love reading physical books - I love the scent of a new book. Unfortunately in recent years I've slowly stopped reading physical copies and started listening to audio books and reading fanfictions online.

I like most any movie genre, it just depends on if the trailer is interesting enough for me to be interested in watching. But some of my favorite movies are: Oh, Brother Where Art Thou? The Avengers Series, IT Chapter 1 (haven't seen Chapter 2, really want to), so I have a wide variety of movies I'm willing to see.
My book/fanfiction preferences are much more narrow - I pretty much only read fantasy. Harry Potter, Undertale (which is a video game), Beyonders, Fablehaven, so on and so forth.
My preferred music genres are also pretty open except for Rap and Heavy Metal. I think rap is crude, and Heavy Metal gives me a headache. I'm willing to listen to Country, (2000s - earlier) Pop music, Rock and Roll (love Billy Joel and Elvis).

I do not have any pets, unfortunately. Both my grandmothers have toy poodles (my mom's side has a white one named Yogi, and my dad's side has a chocolate one named Herby). They are both so cute and I love them like they are my own. My dad has a cat named Derek Edward the Cat. (Derek for short). He's ornery and likes to cling to me, unintentionally scratching me.

I do not have any children, nor have I been married before. I have had a few previous relationships, but none have lasted longer than a year. I have not found the right one yet!!!

So after a disappointing end to my last encounter, (which was not the slave training I mentioned in the last post but rather some Little Training), I took a month or so away from theCage and just BDSM in general. I tried to find people over "traditional" dating sites, irl, so on, and... well. Lets just say it didn't work out either. So I'm back.

I don't know what to do. It doesn't seem like I'm destined for someone. I'm not happy with myself, and maybe that shines through, so no one can be happy with me either because I am not happy with myself.

It's weird, I get all these messages from Doms but none of them want to find out the real me. I thought I had met a guy today who actually wanted to know the real me but after talking for about an hour, he disappeared on me. Ghosted. Like I don't even matter. :'(

So I've spent a day doing slave training and I already know it's not for me. Still exploring. Maybe a little? a Pet? I like submission to a point. I absolutely LOVE being bound/tied up. Does that mean I'm a sub or I just like bondage? is there a difference?