Just me

So today is it. The day I draw the line and stand firm.  I have had a pretty hard time but today it came to a head. My friends who are my world and awesome amazing here and real world have all had major crap going on.  I get to help them which I love!  I'd be so lost workout them.

      My job.... well that's a whole different thing. Were opening a covid wing and it all has to be over seen my me.  I know I know that sounds horrible and egotistical but being the IP I have to make sure it's right. 

     So to the point, I either am going to snap and go off on someone. I'm on the verge of tears and smile so no one will see  what's really going on, I  will be okay because the sun will set and rise like it does every day but today the shadow is a little darker than normal.

💜phe💜

Just for a minute

I stopped to breathe

Just for a minute

I learned to laugh

Just for a minute

I felt the wind blow

Just for a minute

He blessed my world

Just for a minute

I had it all

In one blink of an eye

The world changed

The air became heavy

The wind bone chilling

Laughter died

Opening my eyes

The world has shifted

Things have changed

The normal I knew is gone

Moments come and go

Change is inevitable

Minutes turn into hours

Moments into your life

Each minute and moment

Change who we are

Do I stand still

Waiting for the next

My happy moments

Make me who I am

My sad minutes

Build my strength

What I choose to do with them each

Is my free will......

I started to write this and still need to finish. Today is a different day and a different me. I finally got a conformation I've been preaching since CA went into lock down. I am good at my job. All but 2 results in but my building is COVID free. That's right 264 negative results and 2 not tested due to a mess up in the lab. The time I've taken away from who I was becoming is worth it.
Stay safe my friends and remember just because restrictions are being lifted doesnt mean we are in the clear. Off to celebrate this minor victory!

The news came in while I was standing at my desk. I was getting ready to give my boss some form I had to create for because of the ever changing guidelines from dph. Anyway my phone goes off and I see my brothers name. I smile because out of 7 of us he is the one I am closest to. I open his text and it starts out fine but then as I read on he let's me know hes on his way to the mortuary. My aunt has passed away.
Mind you I am at peace with this because her pain is over. She is free to be the charismatic woman now, not bound by pain and age. Her spirit gets to soar again and be free. What got me was the fact that she was the last living tie to my mom other than my siblings.
This eccentric woman lost her son at a young age, then lost her baby sister, and then her mother. Her son ran away about the age of 14 and never came back. Her sister died almost 20 years ago and her mother shortly after. My aunt never let others get her down. She always found the positive and joy. She was life.
So while I am sad that light has dimmed I am happy that she will be with those she lost again. I know my mom was there with open arms to greet her. I am sad that all of the matriarchs of my family have moved on and I in turn realize that now that role is not only in my sisters hands but mine as well.
Today was difficult but I pray shes flying free and shining bright again. Now on to the real battle to tell my sister.... fingers crossed shes having a semi stable day tomorrow.

Today I tried to remember my friends, the amazing men and women I met when I was a military wife. My dear friend lost her husband when he was leaving Iraq. His chopper was lifting off and a rocket made sure he never got to meet his new born daughter. Ft. Sill lost 9 soilders that day. In one simple act 9 families were changed forever.

Anyway I was thinking of how grateful I am to those who have served and do still serve. To the time I had being part of a huge family. Friends came and went with orders, but the memories we made are unforgettable.

So to my Marine up north thank you, to my ex Army man thank you for not only the time you gave to our country but for the gift of our son. To the navy man who I never really knew thank you for not only your service but the gift of my life and to my Air Force boy stay safe stay strong and know you are always loved.

The green light shines bright on my house. It's a beacon to those who serve or have so they know they have a safe place to get warm, or have a meal. I can never say thank you enough to our service members for all you sacrifice so I may live freely.
So this memorial day I decided to remember the good moments with each and know that their small moment in my life changed who I am.
Thank you

Today started out a normal day. Went and got gas cleaned my windows drove to work. It wasnt until I was heading home that something hit me. A simple thing like clean windows.

I noticed how bright and colorful things are. The limit of people being out has taken a lot of the smog away so the sky is a beautiful blue. Anyway I looked in my rearview mirror and could clearly see the bright colors of the cars as well.

This got me thinking, am I the type of person who wears rose colored glasses and thinks everything is sunshine and Rose's or am I the person looking thru the dirty windows. I realized I would rather watch the world in the dirty windows. It limits the amount of disappointment. The best part is when you clean all the mud off the world is so bright and beautiful again.

Now I'm not saying there is anything wrong with rose colored glasses but sometimes looking at things that way doesnt show you the true nature. I know neither do muddy windows.

So looking at life like I do waiting for the bad or expecting it to come keeps me guarded, I dont let myself give in to the bs, I retract and hide. Today seeing the world from a clean window i know what I'm missing....life.

I am going to try and keep my windows clean, I am going to try and view the world around me. I have been so lost in this new world that I have given parts of me up. Today made me see that. I miss this, just expressing myself the interactions with others. It will take sometime to find my stride in writing again but I will and it will be for me.

I think in this life style we tend to try to find who we are that we give up small bits of ourselves. We let them fall to the side and want to learn new things. That's where I need to learn balance how do I learn new and keep the old parts I love.

So today I see the world as it should be seen, tomorrow is a different story. Maybe I will try the rose colored glasses or just another day looking out the clean window.

💜phe💜

Hard limits soft limits what are they. Well for me most limits are soft becasue I have never done them. I cant really say no if I havent tried it.
There are things that scare the crap out of me and I'm sure in the right hands they would be enjoyable. Today as I got ready for work I realized nope I now have a hard limit.
I have always had a fear of having my nose and mouth covered. I tend to hit a bit of panic when that happens. So as I walked into work putting on my medical mask it hit me.. hell no will I ever cover my nose and mouth again unless required by my job.
Breathing the hot moist air makes my nose run, makes me feel like I cant get a deep breath. This makes me feel like I'm slowly suffocating and makes my anxiety higher. So now I have my first hard limit (besides the usual scat urine kids perm marks). I always thought it would be an experience i had in a dynamic that would set limits for me. Who knew COVID would pretend to be my Dom and show me a limit.
To those of you that enjoy masks and gags i bow down to you. I honestly have no idea how its enjoyable but for me it's a hard no.
So here i have to say cloth, medical, surgical, bandanas, n-95 leather, silk satin or even lace and gags are now a hard limit for me. Lol crazy to think right.
Kink on my friends, stay safe and mask what ever way you want but for me it wont ever me for fun!

💜phe💜

Ps thanks Cherry for the great meme to go with this! 

Laying here watching a stupid movie trying to fall asleep and they are picking apples... leads me to this 

Cherry season...... To bad this stupid stay at home order is in effect. I wont get to pull the sweet cherries from the tree they will sit there and be plucked off by the crows or fall to the ground and rot.
The things I will miss while the cherries just sit rotting away.... cherry pie home made, the cute little red stains on my littles faces. The fun of being in the orchards surrounded by others joy. Instead I will think about how they are wasting away not even to be sold in the farmers markets on the side of the road.
Makes me wonder what else will be taken away, it's bad enough I cant even go to the beach. Sit on the sand and watch the sun dip past the horizon.
Random thought for the day.

Exposed to the eyes around her, her skin prickles her nipples harden. He moves back down to her feet. She feels a cloth being put over her head. She shakes her head no and begs to see.. He chuckles, and she stops the deep tone in his voice with that one laugh made her freeze.
She can hear the mumbles all around her. The others are talking but to quiet for her to hear. A light touch brushes her arm and she flinches. Then the other side same thing. Light touchs come at random times and places. Then she feels his nails drag slowly up the bottom of her feet. Sucking in a breath she tries to anticipate his next move.
He ever so slowly trails up the top of her foot with his sharp nails. Dragging ever so lightly her skin prickles with goose bumps. Drawing a line around her left ankle she feels it pulled to the side. Something soft slips around it. She tries to pull her leg back but it wont move. Struggling to sit up the hands hold her down. Her arms held in place at the wrist. Her body held down at the shoulders.
She hears him laugh before he says " I told you I'd show you what your dark desires can be, the choice is yours on how this plays out." She holds her breath then exhales very slowly whispering "Okay"
Her arms are pulled above her head and secured with something soft. Her other leg the same. She waits to for his next move. She feels the light drag of his nails slide up her feet over the tops and to her ankles. They continue their lightbattack on her body drifting up her shins to her knees. She jumps as something cold touches the valley between her breasts. His nails working up her legs and the intense cold slipping down to her belly. She feels the water drip off her sides and hot air blowing the water a small moan escapes her lips.
A small pool of water has formed the blowing trails down the same path making the area cold again. As his nails reach her thighs they dig a little deeper. She is so entranced by the sensations when the hot fluid hits her body she can not control herself. A trail of heat across her breasts covering her tight nipples. It rolls down them and hardens. More heat applied and it continues its attack on her body. Small trails down her side, over her collar bone. She concentrates on the trails the undecided paths they take.
Lost in the new sensation trying to determine where they will go she realizes his nails have left marks, small burning sensations where he touched harder and then she sucks in a breath as one finger slips between her legs, parting her lips. She hadn't felt how wet she had become. She hears him growl low, the intensity she hears in him makes her breathing increase. The wax on her starts to crack her nipples fight against it to break free.
His finger finds her clit hard and eager for his touch. Cirlcles around it rubbing with each passing. Her hips start to move. The wax is being flicked off her skin as she falls into his rythm. Now rubbing up and down on her clit her body takes over. She moans and feels the hot moisture between her legs. A feeling deep in her builds in her core. As she gets closer to the edge his pattern changes. A finger slips in her, his thumb now pressing circles on her clit. His finger inside rubbing on that one spot over and over as a hot moist mouth covers a breast.
Her back arches, her legs tense and she cant hold back anymore. Then a sharp nip on her nipple with the flick of his finger in her and his thumb wickedly attacking her clit she falls over the edge. An animalistic growl escapes her lips and her body tenses. Her walls clutching his finger spasming as her body finds the needed release. Letting her slowly down his mouth trails down her body. She can feel his breath on her lips.
"Dont think were done yet you will get everything you desire! " his tongue parts her lips and meets her clit as he moans.....

Today I read an interesting blog and it got me thinking. Of course when I go into my own thoughts it will for sure pin point who the author of the other blog is.
In this journey I have searched and read and read more. I have had discussions with many on who and why I am me and why I see myself as a sub. I'd have to say it wasnt until recently that I fully understood myself.
In talking with Doms and hearing things they like for their subs to do I started to see I have always been a submissive in my relationships just never knew it. I have read some of the gor books I have spoken with some of the old guard and when I was told in the past that I am a 40's type of woman I never understood. I do now. I always felt my place was beside my man but that his word was final. I have always walked a little behind and let him guide me. I trusted until it wasnt deserved and loved endlessly. I know that some will say some of my relationships were on a fine line of mental or verbal abuse but I never saw that. I was seen as weak by other women as a push over but I felt that this was who I was.
So flash forward to my learning I figured out it was the submissive inside me who would do whatever it took to make my man happy. Yes I know then it was not good because the man didnt realize what a gift he had.
My life has taught and reaffirmed who I am. My submission wasnt just a choice I made it is who I am in my core. I am a fiercely strong woman at work, I am a killer momma bear who protects her kids but I also am a woman wo needs a stronger man to guide and protect her.
My Alpha side doesnt make me a bad submissive, my submissive side doesnt make me weak or a door mat, together they make ME! I am everything I need to be for those I love and care for.
I know this kinda got off point and I'm not sure if it makes sense at this point but dealing with my day to day right now has my head spinning. So I guess I'll end with this, I am me take it or leave it, I am a small piece of every title a sub has, I am someone who knows what I want and will work my ass off to get it, I am emotional, wear my heart on my sleeve and give my all to those around me. I am proud to say I am a submissive and to me that one word is the umbrella for all the other titles we have here.
Okay off to crash for the night so I can fight the war tomorrow. Day what ever and were still COVID free! Woo hoo! Some how my Alpha side has kept 200 employees and 130 patients safe even when I'm taking major hits about my character. (Sometimes the hits make me laugh others is when I want to be the sub and just let go with my other person)
Happy hump day cagers
💜Phe💜

Sitting at her desk hearing the crazy chaos of the day going on just beyond her door. She takes a deep breath and sends out a message. Hoping he will hear her and know what she needs.

      She closes her eyes and slips off her chair to her knees, sitting the way she does for him when she waits. Still fully clothed she can feel a clam come over her even with the hard tile eating into the bone on her knees. She controls her breathing the way he taught her. Nice slow even breaths, she thinks about him and how he will be matching her breathing.

        He will be sitting in his chair at his desk legs open hands on his thighs. His eyes will be closed and his head looking down. Waiting for her to take her place between his knees to rest her head on his thigh. His palm will turn to rub her head and stroke her hair.

      She scoots closer to her chair and lays her head on it. Thinking about the safety she feels in his lap. She slows her breathing even more and starts to drift into that place. The one he gave to her. The calm in the chaos and everything outside her office fades away.

        Hearing the chime of her phone set only for him she grabs it and sees, Even now you safe with me, I got you baby girl. Breathe with me focus and remember you are the strong warrior they need you to be. I am always right there with you.

       She rises from her knees straightens herself up opens her office door phone in her hand and replies Thank you Sir. She holds her head up and heads out to control the chaos and calm the fears. Just another day she thinks and my rock was there to save me.

Just something I was thinking about today and how even separated a Dom and his sub can find ways to stay connected. 

💜phee