Just me

My bestie in real life is on cage, she had been talking to a Dom and they were hitting it off yay her!
So we started to talk and shes teing me about how amazing this guy is and how hes military. Well anyone who knows me knows how I feel about military. So anyway shes going on telling me and I'm getting heated. I tell her hes a fake and give her questions to ask to prove it.

Anyway just because you pretend to know great acronyms doesnt mean you have ever or would ever deserve to wear a uniform. Stfu get off your soap box and let the men and women who really have saved have their moments. For one I have never seen or heard a military member brag about their rank or credentials. They are humble!

Next how dare you pretend to be something my son, my ex, his family, my friends, or any other person in the military worked fucking hard to be! You are actually worse than the scum we scrape off the hospital floors. You make me sick.

To those of you who have served or currently do my hats off to you. You are the ones truly on the front lines and I have so much respect for you. I may be fighting a virus but you choose to keep my family and I safe and give me the freedom to do so while sacrificing your own.

Thank you to all of you and for those of you pretending please know you will never live up to be half of what our heroes are. My son earned his rank he doesnt have to pretend.

Sorry it had to be said. Remember this is the internet everyone is capable of creating a false persona, question is are you better than that and gonna show the real you becasue lies only hold up for so long!

😡phe🤬

So as today is my late day for work I was thinking about how frustrated I am. No not that way get your mind out of the gutter! Anywho I am exhausted mentally and physically. Small little things I normally do have slipped my mind so I feel like I've screwed up at work. Not always the case but I am a over thinker.
Okay heres the thing and it's just my view not others out there in the front lines please dont think I am speaking for everyone. I appreciate the thank you's and great jobs and how we are appreciated but what I really need is the friends who check in to see how I am doing. If I'm really okay. I understand everyone is faced with a major challenge lately and I get it. My point is please while your at home upset because you cant help or work remember those of us that would gladly trade places with you for a moment.
The thing is you can help, check in with those who are your friends, dont panic when you dont hear from us because we are working. Also please think about gloves and masks. As you use the disposable ones places such as nursing homes and hospitals dont have them. I get off work and I see the roads littered with them all I can think is that's gold for my staff. We dont even have enough and yet people are throwing them on the ground like they are nothing. It saddens my heart that I cant properly protect my staff and yet they are so easily given and tossed away to the community.
I wish this would go away and life could rebuild. I wish everyone had some peace but right now we dont. What I ask is when you ask a front line worker if they are okay and they say yes dig a little deeper. Dont just take they yea I'm good. We did choose to help people we did choose these jobs but the fear we feel is stuffed away because we dont want to cause panic for you. Also the media is not going to give you accurate information they get paid from ratings. So what causes good ratings fear and unknown. They make it seem like we are lying about facts when it is them twisting information. Again I am not slamming their profession but please dont always believe what you hear.
I'm sure this made no sense because lately that's how my brain has worked. What I ask is please while you talk to a frontline worker remember I would gladly stay home but I choose to fight to keep you safe, I just need a friend to know and really care how I am. (Yes I have those that do) please stay at home and stay safe because we dint need more lives lost. I will protect those I can till my last breath, I will care for those who cant till my hands refuse to work, I will calm fears as my own scream inside and I will comfort those who need it even when I feel isolated with people around me.
Thank you to those of you who support someone out there fighting. Thank you to thise who are staying home like you should and to those frontline workers remember we are doing what we love caring for people, find your strength and keep fighting we will win this!
💜phe💜

I am working on a writing but today something set me off. 

    First I am an INFECTIOUS CONTROL NURSE in an althizmers dementia unit where I educate all staff.  Anyway if you have your own insights on this stupid virus please dont post it here.  Make sure your information is correct. Posting snippets you hear from the news or memes or social media can cause panic. 

     I know a lot of us in the medical field are here. If you have a question ask please. Dont assume 

I will answer what I can but fir the love of god dont spread the fear with the virus. 

Sorry I'm done venting 

💜phe💜

I am working on a writing but today something set me off. 

    First I am an INFECTIOUS CONTROL NURSE in an althizmers dementia unit where I educate all staff.  Anyway if you have your own insights on this stupid virus please dont post it here.  Make sure your information is correct. Posting snippets you hear from the news or memes or social media can cause panic. 

     I know a lot of us in the medical field are here. If you have a question ask please. Dont assume 

I will answer what I can but fir the love of god dont spread the fear with the virus. 

Sorry I'm done venting 

💜phe💜

Thank you to all of those who kept me in your thoughts.  Our first hurdle has passed today as we got back all the results. Our building is still COVID free! Such a sigh of relief. Heres praying we can stay that way till this is over. 

I still wont be around much as the cases in LA county keep climbing. This nurse doesnt see an end anytime soon. Anyway just wanted to update and let yall know I'm alive or so my brain says.  My body disagrees. 

   Stay safe everyone 

Much 💜💜💜💜💜phe

Swimming in the sea of unknown

Doubts and fears weigh me down

Struggling to keep my head above

Just to breathe

This isnt normal

The panic the chaos

The spinning waters keep twirling

How can I stay afloat

How can my legs not give out

Searching for the strength

Deep inside me.....

Going under

Air no longer there

Head pounding

Heart thumping

Black takes over

Sinking down deeper

Opening my eyes

A small pin prick appears

My feet respond

Kicking harder

It gets larger

The light shines brighter

I fight harder

Body burning against the pain

I hear that little voice

You are made to do this

Your are made to help

Dont give up push harder

Fight for them

Fight for you

The water breaks way

A deep breath i take

The water tries to pull me down

I fight with all I have

I hear the voice that reminds me

Of the the things that need me

Kicking now without thought

My body rises to the top

Floating on the surface

Moving with the waves

I relax and close my eyes

They need me I think

I will win this battle

I will keep breathing

And I will walk away

A changed person yes

Scared but stronger

I will make them proud

They will know they mattered

At least to me.

💜phe💜

Just got the call I have to be in tomorrow. I may be missing in action here for awhile but wanted to let everyone know.  

    As the infection prevntionist I have to be there. Please keep positive thoughts for all those going through hard times! 

   Much love and positive thoughts to everyone 

💜💜💜💜 phe

I couldn't just enjoy my days off. My boss calls me last night asking what's for dinner. I laughed said social distancing. She then proceeds to tell me on monday we will have visitors. I ask who, she says California dept of public health..... ughh I reply. Then she says are you ready. NO IM NOT FUCKING READY! I scream in my head but my work sides says "Yes of course all 6 binders are ready with all the information they want or have given us. I have trained staff on a million different things with COVID and cant promise they will answer correctly.

There are no set guidelines yet in what the CDPH wants to see. No other building has shared this information with us yet so either they are being jerks and not sharing with the company or we are the first! God help us and I hope to all get out that I am on point with my infection control stuff.

I hate that I have time off and all I can think about is this crap!

The past 2 days I have been woken up by staff in fear becasue my RN supervisor are spewing misinformation as well. If they would take the time to listen I wouldnt have to keep putting out fires! 

I'm sorry you may have a higher degree than I do but for fuck sakes how many damn calls have you been on with the CDC, CDPH, or our company consultants! Stop scaring everyone and try to calm them down by not giving out information you see on the news!
Okay I'm done sorry for the rant

Have a great day!! phe

Today I was talking to a friend and told a story about my night last night as I left work...
It made me think how low will one go when stuck alone?

       Heres the story, I was heading to my car after a long day/week. A homeless man was approaching me ( Hollywood is full of them) so I keep moving. He said something unintelligible to me and I went to my car. I get in and back out window cracked and look up hes waiting at the gate I have to pass. So i lock the door buckle up and move forward. I stop at the end of the driveway. The man approaches my car he stands close enough that if I move I could umrun him over.

       Well he starts making kissy faces then flips me off. I notice his nails yep nasty. The I see his blue eyes and think poor man. He hits my window. Shit I think hes gonna break my window. Well he resumes kissy faces and flipping me off mumbling something and I tell him I'm gonna move my car watch out. I roll the window up he hits it again. I take off and head home.

         So in this conversation I say he would have been attractive if he was clean. My friend who I'm sure wont keep his mouth shut if I misquote him says "well he is homeless and I'm sure no one with covid had been around him" this gets me thinking hmmmm maybe a shower and a meal and heyyyyyy....

       So there in lies the question would I actually take a homeless man home clean him up and then have some fun. Um nope still not gonna happen! The things we think about when were told to stay home.

Stay safe kink on in whatever way you can even if its thinking about someone off the street and the ways you can be used.

💜phe💜

Visions flash in her head

The chaos around her

No way to focus

No way to get out

The storm is swirling so fast

She cant even stand

The darkness wont touch her

Its pulled away

She cant see his hand

Reaching for her

He has moved back

The things she found comfort in

Standing off till it calms

Unable to complete a thought

To grab a single idea

She starts to snap

She takes a deep breath

Falls to the ground

Hands and knees head to the ground

She cries,

the fear and chaos

Have broken her,

He walks in the shadow

The darkness guiding him

He moves closer to her

The small girl on the ground

He touches her and she jumps

"Shh" he says

She cries some more

He sits beside her

His hand on her back

The darkness warps around them

Warming her again

She looks up and sees her dreamon

A smirk on his lips

Her anger pours out

"You left me" she screams

He shakes his head

He grabs her in his arms

She fights

He tells her

Sometimes the battles you fight

Must be done alone

You find out how to stand

Or when to ask for help

I was never gone

But this my sweet

Was one you had to do alone

Wrapping her in his arms

She cries some more

The darkness holds them

And in this single moment

She can see the storm

Around her but knows she is safe

With her dreamon

He is the lesser of the evil

The darkness holds them tight

She starts to calm

Wrapped in with the darkness

Her long lost friend

       This is very much about what im.going thru. I would rather have the dreamon back and scaring me nightly than the chaos going on around me.
We all are going through some very challenging times right now and handling it different. I feel myself hiding behind walls I broke down a long time ago. Why because I have to shut off emotions. I cant succeed in my job if I let the fear in it will consume me.
       My head is chaos my thoughts unclear. The only thing I knows for sure is right now I'd take my dreamons and the darkness over this any day. With them I still knew I had feelings. They are one in the same, their presence reminded me of the calm I can find.
Right now in this moment i feel..... empty.

      The aftermath of this virus will not only be loss of life it will be the loss of who we were. We will never be the same, we will adjust as humans do. It is amazing to me that I have my life hanging in the hands of one tiny microscopic spore.